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CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 


By 

Dr.    T.   P.    Bartlett 


Drawings   by  the  Author 


J.   de  Menezes  &   Sons 

Oakland,  Calif. 

1921 


copyrighted   1921 
By  Dr.  T.  P.  Bartlett 

G. 


PREFACE 


"Confessions  of  a  Quack"  is  not,  as  some  may 
infer,  an  attempt  to  ridicule  and  belittle  medical 
men.  The  author  is  a  practicing  physician,  loves 
his  profession,  and  numbers  many  doctoirs  as  his 
most  estetemed  and  respected  friends. 

Th-e  book  is  an  effort  of  the  writer  to  prove  that 
we  are  living  under  a  wrong  system  that  owing  to 
its  innate  dishonesty  necessarily  breeds  the  charla- 
tan. One  does  not  need  to  be  long  from  the  paternal 
roof  to  learn  the  ways  of  the  great  outside  world. 
Ajid  one  is  not  far  from  home  when  one  loses  many 
illusions.  Ideals  are  soon  shattered.  Many  people 
ire  brutally  frank  and  seemingly  take  a  keen  de- 
light in  pullin'g  the  wool  from  your  eyes.  But  when 
we  think  of  the  facte  they  tell  us  we  feel  as  though 
they  have  done  us  a  great  service.  Sooner  or 
later  we  must  find  ot  that  life  is  something  quiU 
different  from  what  we  had  been  taught.  We  are 
doomjed  inevitably  an  invariably  to  discovier  that 
society  is  not  as  perfect  as  we  had  beten  told  and 
we  are  confronted  with  the  unpleasant  truth  that 
the  wicked  often  prosper  while  the  good  frequent- 
ly suffer. 


8.5^^9S3 


II  PREFACE 

Ralston  and  Clayton  aire  types  common  enough 
in  these  times  when  honesty  is  only  too  often  call- 
ed old  fashionel  and  scoffed  at;  when  men  wor- 
ship mammon  and  place  the  dollar  above  every- 
thing else  in  this  world.  They  are  quacks,  not 
from  choice,  but  rather  from  compulsion.  Begin- 
ning their  professional  career  with  ideals  for  direc- 
tion and  guidancte  they  soon  learned  that  a  too 
faithful  adherence  to  ethics  was  keeping  them  at 
the  bottom  of  the  ladder  while  there  was  plenty  of 
room  on  top.  So  both  of  them  began  mental  house 
cleaning.  They  got  rid  of  the  cobwebs  of  obsolete 
and  long  ago  beliefs  and  after  this  renovation  set 
up  business  at  the  old  stand  in  conformity  to  mod- 
ern ideas  as  to  what  the  measure  of  man's  success 
is,  judged  by  the  very  latest  standards.  Were 
they  right  or  wrong?  Were  they  justified  in  do- 
ing what  they  did?  Were  they  the  victims  of  a 
system  corrupt  to  the  very  core,  shattered  and 
tottering  and  ready  to  fall  in  a  mighty  crash  ?  The 
reader  must  answer  these  questions.  To  the  man, 
woman,  girl  or  boy  who  peruses  this  book  is  left 
the  task. 

The  experieinc©  of  none  of  us  is  so  narrow  that 
we  have  not  witnessed  cases  of  moral  deterioration 
similar  to  that  of  Ralston  and  Clayton.  How  are 
w«  to  explain  it  ?  Is  it  a  trick  of  atavism  ?  I  think 
not.  I  have  little  faith  in  that  theory.  There  is  a 
reason  for  it — a  cause  that  explains  with  unanswer- 
able logiic  why  the  dark  shadow  of  dishonesty  hov- 
ers over  the  world.  But  I  wish  you  to  arrive  at 
that  conclusion  by  inference.  I  had  that  thought 
in  mind  wh^n  I  sat  down  and  wrote  "Confessions 
of  a  Quack". 

Dr.  T.  P.  Bartlett, 

917  Grove  Street, 
Oakland. 


Fort  J  y«aiT8   ©Id  and   a   failurer!   (Page  7) 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 


Forty  years  old  and  a  failure !  t  arrived  at  tliat 
conclusion  by  a  slow  and  tefdious  process  of  self- 
analysis.  My  achievements  in  the  profession  of  my 
choice  were  the  simplest.  I  had  never  been  call- 
ed in  consultation  at  a  rich  and  influential  home. 
I  had  never  done  a  ca)pital  operation.  My  practice 
was  largely  among  a  class  that  knew  no  more  about 
honesty  than  a  pickpocket;  who  were  ingrates  and 
justified  their  behaviour  on  the  ground  that  I  lacked 
skill.  But  while  these  poor  specimen  of  fallen  man 
caused  mel  many  a  heartache  and  forced  me  on  in- 
numierable  occasions  to  frequent  the  Pawn  Shop, 
they  rendered  me  a  unique  and  wonderful  service. 
They  opened  my  eyes  to  a  full  seeing  capacity  of 
all  that  was  transpiring  about  me.  They  did  more 
than  this.  They  made  me  painfully  conscious  that 
there  was  something  radically  wrong  in  the  system 
under  which  men  lived.  And  it  occured  to  me  that 
the  quickest  and  safest  way  to  arrive  at  that  know- 
ledge was  by  beicoming  an  imiposter. 

So,  strangling  the  many  conscientious  scruples 
that  stood  in  the  way,  I  cast  aside  the  ideas  I  had 
since  a  boy,  and  became  a  quack.  No  one  knows 
what  it  cost  me  to  do  that.  Being  a  charlatan  had 
never  appealed  to  me  as  someH;hing  to  be  proud  of. 
But  I  ea.rly  learned  that  it  was  both  pleasant  and 
profitable.  And  when  I  sit  down  quietly  by  myself 
and  think  it  over,  I  have  to  smile  at  my  former 
scruples. 

My  financial  condition  when  I  decided  to  take 
the  step  that   brought    a  wonderful  change   in  my 


8  CONFESSIONS   OF    A   QUACK 

habits  and  mode  of  living  was  deplorable.  My 
earthly  belongings  consisted  of  a  shabby  suit  of 
clothes,  many  unpaid  bills,  countless  false  names 
and  spurious  addresses,  my  worthy  patients  had 
givnn  me,  a  few  raedical  books,  some  instruments 
a  little  rusty  from  non-use  and  neglect,  and  enough 
monfjy  to  pay  r-iy  barber  and  th-.'  lasaiib-y  tiuii 
washed  my  linen. 

Is  it  any  wonder  that  I  became  a  quack?  I  think 
ninety-nine  out  of  a  hundred  would  do  as  I  did. 
I  remember  how  one  of  my  patients  had  sympathiz- 
ed with  me  when  I  told  him  my  circumstances.  He 
was  employed  in  the  shipyards  and  I  suggested 
that  it  might  be  best  for  me  to  seek  cmploy'if-nt 
there.  But  he  declared  that  he  would  drive  me 
home  to  my  pills,  splints  and  bandage.  I  took  this 
friend's  advice.  I  stayed  with  my  absorvent  cot- 
ton and  adhesive  plaster  and  became  a  iquack.  I 
don't  blush  with  shame;  when  I  confesis  it.  I  know 
there  are  extenuating  ciscumstanccs,  and  in  order 
that  you  may  know  what  they  are  I  am  writing  you 
these   "Confessions". 

November  1st,  1919,  is  the  beginning  of  that  per- 
iod of  my  life  when  the  star  of  prosperity  rose. 
Fi-om  that  day  on  I  began  to  giet  new  and  desirable 
patients  land  demand  and  secure  bigg«r  fees.  I  can 
just  laugh  when  I  think  how  easy  it  was.  What  a 
stranigie  world  we  arei  living  in,  and  how  easily 
are  people  deceived!  It  looks  as  though  most  of 
them  like  to  be  fooled.  I  had  long  learned  that 
people  judge  you  by  appearances.  ^  Now  T  would 
prove  it.  I  had  taken  the  few  dollars  I  had  saved 
from  all  my  years  of  practi<>e  and  replenished  my 
wardrobe.  I  selected  the  most  fashionable  and 
gaudy  attire,  being  careful  to  keep  within  good 
taste.  I  gave  attention  to  my  office.  I  furnished 
it  in  the  closest  conformity  to  modern  ideas  as  to 
what  a  doctor's  plaee  of  business  should    be    like. 


CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  S 

leaned  back  in  the  chair  at  my  desk,  lit  a  cigar  and 
now  that  the  bait  had  been  thrown,  waited  for  fish. 

I  will  never  forget,  as  longi  as  I  live,  how  happy 
I  felt  as  I  started  on  this  career  of  deception  and 
money  getting.  Here  I  had  waited  foi  success  for 
twenty  years  and  it  had  not  come  my  way.  On  the 
street  I  had  heard  rude  people  whisper  "Horse 
Doctor"  as  I  passed  along.  You  don't  know  how 
it  hurt  me  to  hear  them  say  that.  It  was  so  uncall- 
ed for.  It  was  singularly  and  vulgarly  out  of  pla- 
ce, I  knfw  nothing  about  horses.  I  had  never  rid- 
en  one,  driven  one,  harnessed  or  saddled  one  in  all 
my  life.  "Horse  Doctor"!  I  shudder  as  I  think  of 
it.  Thank  God  it  is  now  an  unpleasant  memory  of 
the  past.  Today  I  am  looked  up  to ;  my  opinion  is 
sought  on  vital  questions ;  my  professional  services 
are  in  demand,  and  I  am  paid  handsome  fees  by 
rich  and  aristocratic  members   of  the  community. 

The  day  I  decided  to  break  away  from  old  con- 
ventions T  went  for  a  walk.  It  was  an  exercise  I 
wa=?  fond  of  and  as  I  was  dtres.sed  fashionable  and 
in  the  very  latent,  I  had  a  pleasurable  consciousness 
of  beiniT  presentable.  It  was  a  loni-]:  time  since  I 
had  "dolled  up"  like  that.  In  fact'  I  had  taken 
pains  to  look  well,  only  once  before.  That  was 
when  I  got  my  sheep  skin.  I  thought  that  the  hap- 
piest moment  of  my  life.  I  was  voung.  not  quite 
twenty-three,  fiill  of  ambition  and  onthiTiifism.  I 
rememiber  the  words  of  encouragement  of  the  little 
crippled  notary  before*  whom  T  had  my  licen<;e  at- 
tested. "Young  man.  you  can  make  a  nice  living 
for  yourself".  Alas!  his  prophesy  didn't  come 
trup.     It  was  a  dream  until  I  became  a  quack. 

But  I  have  wondered  from  my  story.  I  iguess 
nearly  every  one  does  who  writes  a  confession.  As 
I  was  saying.  I  went  for  a  walk.  My  clothes  at- 
tracted people.  I  saw  men  and  women  size  me  up 
and  look  me  oven*.  The  cop  on  the  beat  gave  me 
the   "once   over",   smile'd  approvinglv  and    nodded 


10  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

pleasantly  as  I  passed  alonig.  It  wauld  be  easy  for  a 
crook  to  get  by  if  he  were  a  bit  careiful.  But  the 
trouble  is  they  become  too  Ibold,  get  wreckless  and 
are  caught. 

I  reached  de  Fremery  Park  and  intended  to  sit 
down  and  rest.  But  tihei  (gardener,  a  fine  little 
Welshman,  saw  me  and  called  me  over  to  where  he 
was  watering  the  lawn. 

"Why  the  togs?"  he  asked,  dropping  the  hose 
and  shaking  hands. 

"Going  in  for  business",   I  replied. 

"You've  learned  the  tricks  of  the  game  at  last. 
But  you  were  so  slow  to  catch  on  I  thought  your 
case    hopeless". 

"I  am  igioing  to  become  a  quack.  That  reminds 
me  I  can't  stay  here  gadding  to  you.  Prom  now 
on  I  '11  be  a  very  busy  man. ' ' 

I  turned  abruptly  and  left  the  little  gardener 
staring  in  open  mouthed  wonder  at  the  change  that 
had  taken  place  in  my  appearance  and  manner,  and 
went  home. 


II 

My  first  case  proved  to  be  a  fortunate  one.  A  lady 
refined  in  appearance  and  gentle  in  manner  await- 
ed me.  On  eaterinigi  she  looked  me  over  and,  a3 
my  clothes  were;  cut  in  the  latest  fashion  and  the 
best  quality  of  goods,  I  knew  at  oncet  she  believed 
me  a  good  doctor.  She  had  come  to  consult  me 
about  a  growth  on  her  neck.  An  examination  on 
my  part  told  me  it  was  a  simple  papiloma.  But  I 
could  not  tell  the  truth.  I  had  done  that  for  twenty 
years  and  nearly  starved  and  got  no  thanks  for  do- 
ing so.  Here  was  my  chance,  my  fiirst  opportunity 
to  prove  that  Barnum  was  right  when  he  said: 
"The  Am'erican  people  like  to  be  fooled".  Assum- 
ing a  serious  air  and  musteringi  all  my  profession- 
al dignity,  I  spoke  in  a  tone  of  voice  that  filled  her 
with  fear. 

"My  dear  woman,  you  have  a  growth  malignant 
in  nature.  There  is  only  one  thing  to  be  done  and 
that  is  to  have  it  cut  out.  But  my  charges  are 
rather   high". 

"I  don't  care  what  is  costs  me.  I  am  able  to 
pay   whatever  you  ask''^,  she  replied. 

"My  fee  will  be  five  hundred  dollars.", 

"Very  well.    When  can  you  operate?" 

"To-morrow  morning." 

"At  what  hospital?"  she  asked. 

"I'll  arrange  the  matter  and  ring  you  up  and 
let  you  know",  I  replied. 

I  could  not  think  of  any  hospital  tfiiat  would 
stand  for  the  trick  I  was  aboiut  to  play  on  this 
credulous  woman.  As  I  had  little  practice  and 
therefore  no  standing  with  the  doctors,  my  acquaint- 
ance with  the  surgeons  in  the  hospitals  was  rather 
limited.  It  extended  scarcely  beyond  a  rather  cold 
nod  from  a  few,  while  most  of  them  had  a  look  of 

11 


]2  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

scorn  for  me  as  I  "hiked"  around  in  mj  ghabbj 
suit  and  faded  overcoat. 

I  was  surei  up  against  it  good  and  hard.  I  must 
have  a  confederate.  I  could  not  do  the  job  alone. 
And  whoever  I  got  as  an  assistant  would  have  to 
be  someone  I  trusted  beyond  a  dream  of  suspicion. 
I  thouig'ht  a  long  time  wlhat  was  best  to  do.  I 
pondered  on  this  and  that.  And  then  it  came  to 
me  like  a  flash  of  inspiration.  There  was  one  otlher 
doctor  in  the  town  who  like  me  had  made  a  failure 
of  the  practice  of  medicine.  He  too  was  a  man  of 
ideals.  He  had  a  fine  character,  a  good  name,  and 
like  me  was  very  poor.  I  would  look  him  up.  I 
would  lay  bare  to  him  my  whole  scheme.  I  would 
out  line  to  him  the  plan  by  wihich  I  hoped  to  gat 
wealthy.  But  what  if  he  refused  to  be  my  accom- 
plice'? I  shuddered  when  I  thought  of  it.  I  had 
not  seen  him  for  some  time.  When  I  last  met  him 
he  had  complained  bitterly  of  the  injustice  of  life. 
He  maintained  rightly  that  a  pogr  man  had  no 
chance.  I  had  agreed  witb  him  in  everything  he 
said.  He  had  promised  to  come  and  see  me  and 
we  parted  the  best   friends. 

He  was  my  hope,  the  only  one  I  could  expect  to 
help  me.  So  I  took  my  new  patient's  address  and 
telephone  number,  and  assuring  her  I  would  soon 
ring  her  up  and  let  her  know  what  arrangeiments 
I  had  made,  waited  until  she  was  a  safe  distance 
away,  and  then  walked  out  of  my  officte.  People 
stared  at  me  as  I  passed.  I  looked  prosperoiue  and 
had  tihe  brisk  manner  of  a  busy,  overworked  doctor 
with  no  time'  to  waste.  T  elbowed  and  pushed  my 
way  through  the  crowds  on  the  main  thoroughfart. 
I  walked  at  high  rate  of  speed  and  was  soon  at  tht 
gates  of  Dr.  Ralston.  He  saw  me  from  the  window, 
and  cam6  running  down  the  steps. 

"Golly.  I'm  glad  to  see  you.  Clayton!  I  imagined 
you  had  forgotten  me;  it  is  so  long  since  jou'v« 
been   here!  Why  have  you   not  come?" 


Ralston  was  a  man  of  fine  character  and,  like  me, 
was  very   poor  (Page  12) 


14  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

I  was  at  a  loss  \£or  an  answer.  If  I  said  I  was 
busy  Kalstoii  would  know  it  was  a  lie.  So  ailt-er 
an  embarrassing  silencie^  during  which  each,  read 
the  other's  thoughts,  I  blurted  out  the  only  plaus- 
ible excusei  1  could  think  of. 

"I  was  so  shaihby  1  was  ashamed  to  show  my- 
self". 

Ralston  laugihed.  "But  you  are  dressed  very  well 
just  now.  Tell  me  all  about  your  recent  good 
luck". 

"I  wiU  if  you  only  ask  me   in". 

Ralston  turned  and  ascended  the  stairs.  I  was 
no  sooner  seated  in  the  dingy  little  parlor  that  an- 
swered the  purpose  of  a  reception  room  than  I 
remembered  it  was  over  a  year  since  I  had  last 
been  there.  For  a  few  minutes  I  sat  perfectly  stiU 
and  said  nothinjg  .  I  was  studying  Ralston.  He 
had  changed  greatly  since  I  had  last  seen  him.  He 
had  aged  perceptibly.  The  world  had  used  him 
badly.  Likel  me  he  was  a  miserable  failure  and  he 
was  man  -enough  to  admit  it. 

"How  are  you  getting  along!"  I  asked  wishing 
to  draw  him  out. 

"As  usual". 

"Another  way  of  saying  "badly".  I  surmised 
as  much.  "See  here,  Ralston,  you  and  I  have  abil- 
ities". 

"We  haven't  suoceeded  in  convincing  anybody  but 
oureielves ' '.     , 

"No  sarcasm,  please.    I'm  here  to  talk  bu»inesi". 

"Go  ahead". 

"We  failed  to  get  on  because  we  didn't  imprest 
people ' '. 

"That's  very  true." 

"PVom  now  on  I'm  through  withi  ethics.  I  intend 
to  quack". 

"To  quack!  Good  igxacious  you  don't  mean 
that!" 

"Upon  my  word  I  do.    Here  you   and   I  hav» 


'CIONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  15 

gone  on  starving  for  twenty  years  when  we  miglit 
nave  been  rich,  laud  famous,  it  ali  comes  from  ob- 
servmg  the  proprieties  and  a  too  rigid  adherence 
to  conventions,  i'm  goiutgi  to  mutate  the  success- 
ful ones  and  i  want  you  to  do  likewise". 

''I'll  starve  rather  than  do  anything  unprofes- 
sional ' '. 

"Haven't  you  pretty  neairly  succeeded  in  doing 
tlhat?" 

Ralston  dropped  his  eyes.  I  didn't  mean  to  hurt 
his  feelings.  But  1  knew  I  had  and  he  was  sensi- 
tive and  thm  skinned,  almost  morbidly  so.  I  should 
have  heen  more  tactful  and  diplomatic. 

"I  don't  mean  to  hurt  your  feelings,  but  I  want- 
ed to  point  out  to  you  whetre  you  are  wrong.  We 
have  been  twenty  years  in  the  g:ame.  What  have 
we  to  show  for  it^  Plenty  of  debts,  that's  about 
all.  Touching  elbows  with  us  are  men  who  a»re 
successful  and  because  they  early  saw  in  their  pro- 
fession! career  that  to  adhere  to  the  principles  we 
follow  spells  :failura  Today  marks  the  beginning 
of  a  change  in  my  life.  I'm  going  to  do  like  thei 
rest  of  them.  I'm  not  goinigi  to  have  scruples  of 
any  kind.  I'm  after  the  coin  and  I  want  you  to 
help  me  to  get  it". 

"Me!" 

"Yes,  you". 

"How  can  I  help  youT" 

"By  heeing  my  accomplice,  my  conf edea-ate ". 

"I  never  did  a  low  or  underhanded  thing  in  my 
life". 

"Neither  did  I  until  today." 

"Wiiat  have  you  done?" 

"What  they  all  do^told  a  deliberate  lie." 

Ralston  laughed. 

"That's  nothinig^  I've  been  lying  all  my  lifetime." 

"You!" 

"Yes,  me." 

"I  can't  believe  it,  that's  all." 


16  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

"Allow  me  to  speak.  I  must  explain  myseli'.  i'ou 
and  i  liave  been  lying  ever  smee  we  began  to  prac- 
tice. We(  told,  people  ttiey  were  sulienng  witli 
diseases  when  we  didn't  know  whether  they  had 
them  or  not.  We  took  fees  and  said  men  and  wom- 
en were  cured  when  the  germs  were  present  by  the 
miliionis  in  their  bodies.  We  couldn't  be  honest  if 
we  tried.  Everybody  is  forced  to  bei  dishonest,  only 
some  turn  the  trick  in  rather  a  merciless,  heart- 
less manner.  We've  had  a  little  pity.  We  didn't 
bleed  them  veiry  strong.  That  eixplains  why  we 
are  poor.  This  idea  of  your  becoming  a  quack  is 
nothing  new.     We  are  ail  charlatans.'" 

"Now  1  am  beginnig  to  understand  you.  You 
see  when  it  is  too  latei  that  it  doesn't  pay  to  have 
conscientious  scruples. ' ' 

"I've  known  it  for  years.  Say,  we're  wasting 
time  discussing  these  things.    What  is  your  game?" 

"I  want  you  as  capital,  first  rate  assistant." 

"I  see,  you  want  a  partner." 

"Not  exactly,  but  some  onei  I  can  depend  on,  to 
help  me  in   em'ergencies. " 

"Has  the  occasion  risen  when  my  services  are  re- 
quired ? ' ' 

"Yes,  this    very  day." 

"Bully!  Capital!  I  thought  my  luck  would 
change. ' ' 

"Ralston,  listen.  I've  just  come  from  my  office. 
A  lady  dropped  in  with  a  simple  papiloma  on  her 
neck.  Here  was  the  chancei  of  my  life,  and  I  re- 
solved to  make  th«  most  of  it,  I  presuaded  her  she 
had  a  cancer.  I  convinced  her  it  could  be  nothing 
else." 

"You're  a  liar." 

"Thank  you.    So  are  you". 

"I   know  it." 

"Of  course,  you  told  her  there  was  only  one  way 
to  iget  rid  of  it  and  that  was  to  submit  to  the 
knife." 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  17 

"Exactly." 

"You  should  be  afihamed  of  yourself.  It  could 
have  been  burned  off  witlh  a  caustic  pencil" 

"1  know.  But  I  delcided  I  had  done  that  long 
enough.  As  you  know,  honesty  doesn't  pay  well 
nowadays.  All  the  thanks  you  and  I  ever  got 
was    to    be  called  "Horse  Doctor."' 

"That's  the  reputation  we  acquired  after  all  our 
years  of  conscientious  practice.  It  makes  me  sick 
to  think  of  it." 

"It    can  scarcely  disgust  you  more  than  it  does 
me." 

"How  much  are  you  going  to  charge  the  lady  to 
remove  thet  igirowth  V " 
"Five  hundred  dollars." 
' '  You  're  a  robber. ' ' 
"H.  C.  L.  is  to  be  blamed  for  that." 
"In  what  hospital  do  you  intend  to  operate?" 
"I    don't   know.      That's   what's   troubling   me. 
Where  on   earth   can  we  do   the  job  without  being 
found  out?" 
"Search  me." 

"We'll  have  to  give  them  a  rake  off." 
"Tliat  goes  without  saying." 
"If  we  do  there'll  be  nothing  left  for  us." 
Ralston 's  face    dropped.     He  k"ew    that  society 
was  corrupt.    Men  and  women  were  insanely  avari- 
cious.    Lust  for  gain  and  inordinate  greed  seemed 
to    grip   everyftilody.     Oppression,     thievery,     gi-aft 
everywihere  prevailed.    The  religious  brethren  were 
quoting  Scripture  in   an  effort  to  convince  incred- 
ulous mankind  that  the  end  of  the  world  was  near. 
"None  of  the  first  class  hos-pitals  will  do.     Their 
demands  are  exorbitant.    You  say  you  arc  going  to 
change  this   lady   five   hundred  dollars.     We  must 
peTsuade    her  to  have  the    operation   done  in  her 
home.    Don't  you  see  the  necessity  of  that?"  Ral- 
ston'«    eyes  sparkled.     The  color  had    come  to  his 
pale,  cadaverous  face.     All  the  look  of  despair  that 


18  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

had  proclaimed  him  a  disappointed  broken  man 
had  vanished.  "There  no  one  will  be  ablei  to  dis- 
cover our  guilty  secret/'  he  went  on  in  a  tone  of 
voice  that  throughly  alarmed  me*.  "It  will  be  easy. 
Let  me  teU  you  why.  People  have  an  instintive 
dread  of  hospitals^  and  well  may  they  have*.  Many 
who  enter  therel  never  come  out  alive.  You  wiU 
have  no  difficulty  in  persuading  this  lady  that  her 
home  is  the  right  and  proper  place  to  remove  the 
growth." 

lu  an  instant  all  my  fear  and  worry  fled.  Ral- 
ston had  promised  to  be  my  confederate,  and  it 
was  plain  that  I  would  experience  little  difficul- 
ty in  convincing  my  patient  to  be  opetrated  on  at 
home. 


Ill 

I  came  away  from  Dr.  Ralston 's  full  of  hope  and 
enthusiasm.  It  was  a  long  time  since  1  felt  as  I  did. 
In  fact  my  feelinigs  were  pretty  much  as  they  were 
when  I  received  my  sheepskin  twenty  years  before. 
I  whifitled,  I  sang,  I  hopped  along  and  acted  gen- 
erally like  a  schoolboy  who's  just  received  a  holi- 
day. My  behaviour  attracted  considerable  atten- 
tion and  I  was  given  an  ovation  of  side  glances  as 
I  hurried  home.  But  I  was  very  oblivious  of  every- 
body and  everything  save  the  five  hundred  dollars 
I  was  going  to  receive  for  the  removal  of  a  harm- 
less little  wart  from  a  timid,  diseased,  frightened 
woman.  That  was  the  biggest  five  I  had  ever  ex- 
tracted from  anybody  in  all  my  life.  And  when  I 
thought  of  the  dishonorable  means  I  had  used  to 
filch  it  from  my  (patient  the  little  remnant  of 
shame  I  possesseid  caused  me  to  blush.  It  was  a 
long  time  since;  I  had  done  that — not  since  I  was  a 
boy.  In  my  student  days  I  was  quite  an  adept  in 
the  art.  And  I  remember  a  kindly  old  professor 
who  sympathized  with  me  and  quoted  his  idol  So- 
crates who  one  day  came  across  a  youth  in  Athens 
who  had  the  habit  and  reminded  hiui  that  hei  should 
not  be  ashamed,  "for  such  is  the  color  of  modesty." 
But  I  'blushed  this  time,  not  because  I  was  modest, 
my  cheecks  burned  with  shame  because  I  had  turn- 
ed my  back  upon  ideals  that  had  been  an  inspira- 
tion to  me ;  that  had  enabled  mei  to  live  nobly  and 
righteously  for  twenty  years,  and  which  I  had  in 
a  moment  of  weakness  and  despair  trampled  under 
foot  and  aU  for  pelf,  filthy  lucre  that  never  made 
anybody  happy   in  this   world. 

When  I  thought  of  what  I  had  done  I  was  so 
angry  I  could  have  torn  myself  to  pieces.  It  was 
my  better  nature,    my    higher  self    crying    out  in 

19 


20  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

protest  against  my  betrayal  of  finer  instincts  and 
nobler  impulses.  At  once  1  was  conscious  that  i 
still  possessed  a  conscience  that  would  administer 
a  sharp  reprimand  the  moment  I  did  anything 
wrong.  Immediately  I  became  aware  that  the  new 
career  I  had  decided  to  follow  might  brintgi  me 
worldly  prosperity,  but  it  held  out  t'oir  me  little 
serenity  of  mind.  Still  it  seemed  as  though  tihe 
new  way  was  the  right  way  after  all.  My  mind 
pondered  on  all  the  extenuating  circumstances  that 
would  justify  my  actions.  Foremost  among  these 
was  my  long  struggle  for  success  that  seemed  to  be 
a  "will  o'  the  whisp".  The  prosperity  and  good 
standing  of  my  confreres  who  never  had  scruples 
and  stooped  to  all  manner  of  trickery  was  another 
argument  urging  me  on,  and  by  the  time  I  reeched 
my  office  I  had  succeeded  in  silehcing  that  inner 
mysterious  voice  that  whispe<rs  unceasingly  to  the 
souls  of  men.  • 

I  was  now  a  confirmed  quack.  I  was  not  born 
so.  Nature  intended  me  for  somethinig  better,  but 
circumstances  over  which  I  ihad  no  more  control 
than  a  babe  unborn  had  made  me  one.  In  a  worldly 
sense  it  represented  pirosperity.  Freedom  from  pe^ 
cuniary  worries  was  something  I  had  never  known. 

All  my  life  I  had  money  difficulties.  In  my  boy- 
hood days^  in  my  student  days  I  knew  what  it  was 
to  be  short  of  coin.  I  had  such  a  long  and  familiar 
acquaintance  with  it  that  it  had  no  longer  any  hor- 
rors  for  me.  It  had  smotheiped  and  throttled  to  a 
(great  extent  my  amibition.  But  beyond  this  it  had 
not  injured  me.  I  had  put  up  a  brave  and  manly 
fight  against  it   and  failed.     That  was  all. 

As  I  sat  down  at  the  desk  in  the  office  I  thought 
of  the  great  and  wonderful  things  I  would  do  in  the 
future.  I  pictured  myself  rich,  surrounded  by 
patronizing  influential  friends,  courted  and  admir- 
ed. I  saw  political  honors  betetowcd  upon  me,  and 
a  vision  of  preferment    and    position  in    Natioaal 


ClONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  21 

Councils  came  to  me.  Such,  dreams  I  had  never 
knovrn  in  all  my  life.  It  paid  to  be  a  quack.  It 
brought  splendid  returns.  Soon  my  name  as  a  skill- 
full, daring  operator  would  spread.  I  would  be 
known  far  and  wide.  A  professorship  in  a  medical 
college  would  be,  offered  me.  Pupils  would  sit  at 
my  feet  and  absorb  my  sapient  sayings  and  obtain 
inspiration  and  insight  from  my  lectures.  Patients 
would  flock  to  mei  by  the  hundreds,  and  then  when 
I  had  drained  the  cup  of  human  vanity  to  the  very 
dregs  and  drank  to  satiety  I  would  retire.  I  would 
lean  back  on  my  honors  and  riches  and  look  for- 
ward with  a  sigh  of  relief  to  "the  long,  sweet  sleep, 
sleep  without  measure,  without  dreams  and  an  a- 
vrakening. ' ' 


IV 

Wheal  I  awoke  from  this  dream  of  splendor  and 
grandeur  I  rubbed  my  eyes,  polished  my  gla^sses 
and  looked  about.  There,  before  me  on  my  desk, 
was  the  name  and  address  of  the  lady  on  whom 
I  was  to  do  my  first  operation.  Strange,  wasn  't  it, 
that  I  should  sit  in  this  very  office  for  twenty  years 
and  never,  until  now,  be  asked  to  operate  on  any- 
one? But  I  know  the  reason,  and  it  was  this  very 
knowledjgie  that  prompted  me  to  become  a  €^uack. 

Ralston  was  to  be  my  assistant.  My  first  and 
greatest  worry  had  been  overcome.  My  next  move 
was  to  get  into  touch  with  the  lady  herself.  Call- 
ing her  oveir  the  telephone  she  asked  me  to  drive 
out  in  my  mae'hine  amd  talk  it  over  with  her.  In 
my  machine,  mind  you.  Now  I  was  in  a  dilemma. 
I  had  never  owmed  anything  beyond  a  few  medical 
books,  old  editions,  and  a  second-hand  bicycle  I 
had  bought  at  a  down  town  store.  What  was  I 
to  do? 

Immediately  my  hands  went  into  my  pockets. 
They  contained  a  jack  knife,  a  bunch  of  keys.  That 
wasn't  so  bad.  I  could  jingle  the  keys  and  make 
noise.  The  last  dollar  I  l^ad  in  the  world  was  gtone. 
I  had  parted  with  my  all  for  clothes,  and  my  money 
was  well  spent,  as  you  will  see  a  little  further  on 
in  this  biography.  I  now  thought  of  a  garage  T 
had  passed  on  my  way  from  Ralston.  There  were 
some  splendid  cars  for  hira  there.  I  might  man- 
age to  secure  one  of  them.  Bait  right  away  a  new 
difficulty  arose.  Even  thouigih  my  neat  appearance 
and  aif fable  manners  obtained  mel  the  wish  of  my 
heart,  I  would  have  to  enlist  the  services  of  some 
one  to  drive  me  out  to  where  my  patient  lived,  for 
I  was  grossly  ignorant  of  the  machines  that  nearly 
everybody  found    it    easy  and  convenient  to  own. 

22 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  23 

Right  then  and  there  something  happehed  that 
seetoed  like  the  answering  of  prayer.  A  boy  drove 
a  'beautiful  ne^v  auto  to  the  curbing  in  front  of  my 
door.    In  an  instant  I  was  in  the  street. 

"Young  man,  would  you  do  me  a  favor?"  I  said, 
smiling  pleasantly. 

"What  is  it  you  want?"  he  asked. 

"Drive  me  to  Lake  View  Terrace  as  quickly  &s 
you  can.     There's  a  sick  lady  there  I  must  see." 

Without  waiting  for  a  reply  I  climbed  in  and 
sat  down  beside  him. 

"Your  machine  is  being  repaired,  I  suppose," 
he  said  as  we  went  whirling  along. 

"Y-es,  there's  been  considerable  delay.  Just  why 
I  don't  know."  I  was  a  quack  and  it  was  second 
nature  for  me  to  lie.  "I  have  a  serious  operation 
to  do  and  at  such  times  it  isn't  velry  nice  to  have 
one's  machine  in  the  repair  shop." 

"I  should  SAy  not,"  replied  the  boy. 

The  lad  was  a  careful  driver.  I  was  too  much" 
engrossed  with  my  own  thoui4?}its  to  ask  him  many 
questions.  Be^des  I  wanted  to  impress  him  with 
my  serious,  dignified  air,  which  would  cause  him 
to  beli'eve  he  was  singularly  honored  in  driving  a 
distinguished  surgeon  to  his  patient.  Arriving  at 
the  numlber  I  had  ©iven  him  he  brought  the  car 
to  a  standstill.  I  thanked  him,  told  him  he  would 
not  have  to  wait  long,  and  alighted.  I  ascended  the 
broad  marble  steps  that  led  to  my  patient's  home 
and  pressed  th.e  bell. 


I  heard  the  shuffling  of  feet  and  presently  the 
door  opened  and  a  Chinese  servant  let  me  in.  I 
gave  him  my  card.  He  read  it.  To  my  surpnise 
hei  spoke  perfect  English.  "You  are  Mrs.  Gray- 
son's doctor.  Shei  told  me  she  expected  you.  She 
is  terribly  upset  about  having  to  undergo  an  opeia- 
tion.     She  dreads  to  (go  to  a  hospital." 

"There's  no  J'eason  why  she  should  leave  her 
home.  We  can  do  the  work  just  as  well  right  in 
the  house.  It  will  savei  hetr  considerable  money  be- 
sides. Would  you  be  so  good  as  to  tell  her  I  am 
herei?" 

The:  Chinese,  accustomed  to  obey,  scuffed  down 
the  hall  and  climbed  the  stairway.  I  knew  my  pa- 
tient was  on  the  floor  above.  I  was  now  given  a 
few  minutes  to  use  my  eyep  and  to  bring  to  bear 
my  wonderfully  well  developed  powers  of  observa- 
tion. I  saw  at  once  that  the  home  in  which  I  was 
an  esteemed  and  invited  guest  belonged  to  peo- 
ple of  refinement  and  wealth.  In  style  it  was  mod- 
em, cemented  on  the«  outside  with  low  ceilings  and 
wide  hallways.  While  I  stood  still  admiring  the 
structure  of  the  dwelling  my  mind  drifted  to  Ral- 
ston. Near  me  was  the  telephone.  While  awaiting 
thei  return  of  the  Chinese  who  had  gone  to  an- 
nounce my  arrival  to  Mrs.  G^rayson  I  would  ring 
up  my  worthy  colleague  and  acquaint  him  with 
my  whereabouts.  I  would  insist  upon  him  com- 
ing to  Mrs.  Grayson's  at  once.  I  felt  that  I  would 
experience  small  difficulty  in  convincing  the  young 
chauffeur,,  sitting  in  his  splendid  car)*  that  he 
should  bring  Ralston  to  me  immediately  as  he  seem- 
ed a  youth  of  easy  persuasion.  So  I  quickly  step- 
ped out  and  Avhispered  a  few  words  of  flattery,  in 
which  I  soon  became  wonderfully  proficient,  to  my 

24 


S:^ 


Mrs.    Gmvson   lived   out   on  Lake     View   Terrace 
(Pa^'o  23) 


26  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

newly  made  friend.  He,  proved  to  be  a  splendid 
fellow,  remarkably  accommodating.  I  watched  the 
machine  dash  down  Lake  View  Terrace  and  then 
walked  up  the  ste|ps. 

In  the  hallway  the  Chinese  awaited  me  with  a 
look  of  genuine  alarm,  on  his  face. 

*'I  steped  outside  a  moment.  Sent  my  chauffeur 
after  Dr.  Ralston.    How  is  Mrs.  Grayson?" 

"Awful  scared.  Doesn't  like  the  idea  of  getting 
cut  up."  he  replied. 

"Nobody  does",   I  answered  evading  his  glance. 

It  was  difficult  for  mei  to  keep  a  straight  face.  I 
could  have  laughed  outright  as  I  thought  of  the 
bluff  I  was  going  to  make.  But  suddenly  my  sense 
of  humor  vanished.  It  was  replaced  by  noticeable 
seriousness.  What  M-ould  happen  if  Ihis  simple, 
confiding  woman,  who  had  all  the  confidence'  in 
the  world  in  ma,  and  who  trusted  me  as  no  one  else 
on  earth  should  discover  that  I  was  an  imposter?  It 
was  hardly  probable  she  would,  as  she  was  a  victim 
of  fear — a  morbid  hypochondriac,  who.  like  a 
drowning,  man,  grasps  at  a  straw. 

"Mrs.  Gra.y!Son  wants  to  seei  you",  said  tke 
Chinese. 

I  followed  him  up  the  broad,  high  stairway  that 
led  to  her  room.  I  was  soon  in  the  presence  of  my 
patient.  I  stood  at  heir  bedside  and  as  I  studied 
her  wan.  anxious  face  I  felt  like  a  -firuilty  criminal. 
I  had  lied  to  that  woman  falselv.  maliciously  lied 
and  I  had  done  so  for  money.  How  basip  and  igno- 
ble! It  was  the  meanest  thing  T  had  ever  done, 
the  worst  trick  I  had  ever  played.  But  T  was  a 
quack.  That  was  sufficient  justificntion.  wasn't 
it?  In  vain  T  tiried  to  persuade  rnvs^lf  I  had  done 
wrong.  At  leajst  I  had  acted  as  others  did.  I  had 
taken  advantage  of  an  opportunity  that  had  nre- 
sented  itself  for  a  littlf  easy  money.  It  was  all  in 
the  eramev     T  had  been  fair  and  srmnre  long-  enmisrh. 

While   thesef  thoughts  were  running   through  my 


CONFESSIONS  OF   A  QUACK  27 

mind  Mrs.  Grayson  opened  her  eyes  and  smiled.  It 
was  a  faint,  sickly  smile,  such  as  one  sees  in  those 
who  have  lost  all  hope  and  who  are  in  thei  grip  of 
awful  despair. 

"I'm  so  glad  you've  come.  I'm  nearly  worried 
to  death.  I  have  a  horror  of  being  cut  up",  she 
moaned. 

"Butchea-ed!"  I  exclaimed.  As  it  was  impossible 
for  me  to  control  my  mirth  I    lanj^lud  boisterously. 

"That's  right,  laugh.  I  don't  think  you  doctors 
havel  any  feelings." 

"You  are  mistaken.  We  are  pretty  much  like 
the  rest  of  mankind.  Now,  Mrs.  Grayson,  don't 
worry.  Dr.  Ralston  will  be  here  presently  and  be- 
fore you  know  what  has  happened  you  will  be  rid 
of  that  terrible  cancer. ' ' 

As  I  said  this  I  was  caretful  to  keep  my  eyefe  fast- 
ened on  the  ceiling.  A  man  might  lie  with  his  lips, 
but  his  face  would  show  it. 

Suddenly  the  door  bell  rang.  ' '  Doctor  Ralston  1 ' ' 
I  exclaimed.  I  breathed  easiei'  now.  Soon  every- 
thing would  be  over.  My  own  suspense  and  Mrs. 
Grayson's  anxiety  would  have  an  end.  The  first 
oipetration  I  had  ever  performed  would  be  a  suc- 
cess and  Ralston  and  mysClf  would  have  received 
an  ample  fee. 

Dr.  Ralston  walked  into  the  room  beaming  and 
smiling,  but  looking  frightfully  shabby.  The  only 
suit  he  had  on  his  back.  He  sur?ly  had  a  seedy 
appearance,  but  I  don't  think  Mr'.  Grayson  notic- 
ed it.  Heir  mind  was  tortured  "vith  phantoms  of 
fear.  The  question  of  style  and  the  matter  of  ap- 
pearance) did  not  interest  her.  Her  one  thouglht 
was  to  get  rid  of  the  growth  two  unprincipled  ras- 
cals, posin^gl  as  doctors,  had  told  her  was  cancerous. 

Ralston  oipened  his  handba^g  nnd  began  to  ar- 
rangei  knife,  scissors,  needles,  bandages  r.nd  gauze 
in  a  conspicons  place  in  the  room.  T  thoroughly 
approved  of  this  because  I  knew   it   was   a  capital 


28  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

ass&t  to  impress  the  patient's  mind  that  something 
wonderful  was  being  done.  I  saw  at  once  he  was 
on  the  right  track.  He  had  made  a  (good  heiginning 
and  like  me  would  soon  be  traveling  over  the  road 
that  led  to  success. 

I  took  the  Esmark  inhaler  and  poured  some  chlo- 
roform on  it  and  placed  it  over  Mrs.  Grayson's 
nose.  She  took  the  anesthetic  beautifully.  She 
soon  fell  asleep  and  I  am  sure  in  the  realm  of 
dreams  she  entered,  nobody  had  cancers  and  there 
were  no  quacks. 

The  next  thing  to  be  done  was  the  removal  of 
the  harmless  papiloma,  that  had  been  sort  of  a 
beauty  spot  on  Mrs.  Grayson's  neck.  This  was 
very  easily  accomplished.  A  caustic  pencil,  the 
good  woman  could  have  purchased  at  any  drug 
store  for  ten  cents,  did  the  trick.  Ralston  and  I 
put  on  a  lot  of  gauzey  and  bandages,  threw  open 
tJie  windows  to  let  in  a  supply  of  fresh  air  and 
sat  down  to  patiently  await  the  return  of  Mrs. 
Grayson  from  the  land  of  dreams  to  the  world  of 
reality. 

"The  operation  was  beautifully  and  skillfully 
done,"  said  Ralston. 

"Quit  your  kidding,"  I  replied. 

"Honestly,  don't  you  feel  ashamed?"  asked  Ral- 
ston looking  me   straight  in  the  face. 

"I  don't  f(iel  abashed  at  all." 

"You're  hardened  already." 

"Glad  I  am.  Won't  go  around  with  a  troubled 
conscience. ' ' 

"It's  easy  to  do  this  sort  of  thing.  It  takes  a 
little  nerveiat  first,  Jbut  after  the  ice  is  broken  it  be- 
comes as  easy  to  lie  as  it  is  natural  to  tell  the 
truth." 

"What,  if  we  are  found   out?" 

"No  danger  of  that.    We'  re  too  clever." 

Mrs.  Grayson  began  to  stir.  She  opened  her 
eves  and  smiled.    But  this  time  it  w.isn't  a  sickly 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  29 

smile^  Her  face  had  lost  the  suffering  look.  She 
appeared   happy  and  serene. 

"Is  at  all  over?"  she  asked. 

"Long  ago.  The  operation  was  a  great  success, 
I'm  sure  the  cancer  will  not  recur.  You  will  jivc 
to  be  veary  old. ' ' 

Shei  offered  me  her  hand.  "Call  the  Chinese.  I 
want  to  pay  you." 

Ralston  stepped  out. 

"I'll  remember  both  of  you  as  long  as  I  live." 

"Thank  you,"  I  said. 

"I'm  in  a  position  to  send  you  many  patients." 

"I'm  glad  to  know  it." 

The  Chinese  and   Ralston   entered. 

"Give  these;  igientlemen  the  check;  it  is  on  the 
desk." 

The  Chinese  pulled  down  the  lid  of  the  escritore 
and  handed  me  the)  slip  of  paper.  It  was  the  big- 
gest fiee  I  had  ever  earned  and  I  had  acquired  it 
by  lying.     It  certainly  paid  to  be  a  quack. 

"Mrs.  Grayson,  we  aire  much  obliged  for  the 
prompt  settlement.  The  fee  is  amplei,  all  we  could 
expect.  Rest  quietly  in  bed  and  we'll  drop  in  to 
see    you  tomorrow  momdng." 

Ralston  and  I  bowed  and  walked  out.  But  the 
automobile  that  had  brought  us  to  Mrs.  Grayson's 
was  gone*.  The  younig  chauffeur  had  grown  im- 
patient waiting  and  had   driven  away. 


VI 

Ralston  and  I  walked  along  in  silence.  We  were 
thinii.mg.  And.  our  thouglits  were  in  quite  differ- 
ent eiiannela  than  when  wei  last  met.  We  were 
pondemng  on  the  sudden  good  fortune  that  had 
come  to  us.  We  had  made  a  start.  We  had  taken 
the  step  that  would  lead  us  far  from  poverty  and 
dependencu.  It  would  now  be  milk  and  honey  for 
us  and  our  pathway  tliro^gih  lifei  would  have  pleas- 
ant scenes.  What  fools  we  had  been!  We  had 
wasted  precious  years  in  being  slaves  to  ideals. 
What  had  ethics  dona  for  usV  bureiy  they  had  not 
helped  us  in  any  way  that  we  could  see.  They  had 
kept  us  down  at  the  bottom  rniiig  of  the  lad- 
der whem  there  was  plenty  room  at  the  top,  and  it 
was  easy  cUmbing  if  you  only  knew  how. 

It  had  taken  us  years  to  discover  what  most  of 
men  find  out  in  a  few  months,  and  neither  of  us 
were  slow  of  comprehension.  In  school  we  were 
said  to  hav€(  a  wide  glancing  intelligence  and  brill- 
iant things  were  predicted  of  us.  if  our  teachers 
could  only  see  us  now,  what  would  they  say  ?  We  had 
trampled  under  foot  the  principles  they  had  held 
inviolable  and  sacred.  We  had  turned  the  noble 
healinigi  art  into  a  money  getting  business  where  ly- 
ing and  stealing  were  the  all  important  and  neces- 
sary accomplishments.  We  had  debased  our  pro- 
fession. We  were  a  dishonor  to  th/e  calling,  and, 
best  of  all,  knew  it.  That  was  the  Great  Secret 
between  us.  And  both  of  us  swore  with  an  oath 
the  world  would  never  know.  But  what  if  we 
were  found  out.  Thei  thought  filled  us  with  pain- 
ful apprehension.  There  was  danger  that  success 
might  caus«  us  to  disregard  the  law  of  caution.  We 
migtht  get  bold,  arrogant  and  defiant  and  that 
would  be  our  undoing.     We  had  not  forgotten  the 

30 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  31 

Btory  of  Mesmer  and  other  equally  famous  medical 
fakers  who,  after  enyoing  unprecedented  success, 
lost  prestige  and  died  in  deepair.  Ther«  was  need 
of  prudence  in  everything  we  said  and  did. 

Suddenly  Ralston  stopped  and  stared  wildly  at  a 
newspaper  lying  in  the  middle  of  thei  street/ 

"Look!  Read  what  it  says!"  he  exclaimed, 
clutching  me  by  the  arm. 

"Outbreak  of  Spanish  Influenza!  One  thousand 
cases  reported  at  Health  Office ! ' ' 

"MonDieu!"  I  shouted.  "Don't  you  see  what 
that  means  for  us  ? " 

"Plenty  of  work  and  no  pay,"  Ralston  replied. 

"If  we  did  business  at  the  old  stand.  But  now 
we  have  a  new  line  to  hand  them." 

"What's  that?" 

"No  money,   no  treatment." 

Ralston  laughed.  "It's  strangei  how  quickly  one 
can  learn  the  tricks  of  the  trade." 

"There's  no  time  for  gadding  with  this  epidemic 
raging  all  around.  Ralston,  go  home  and  dress  up. 
Honor  your  calling.  It  is  a  noble  one,  you  know. 
If  I  get  stuck  and  need  you,  I  know  where  you  are. 
Ta  ta,  for  the  present.  Rememiber  now  a  discreet 
tongue.     Good-bye." 

I  turned  away  in  loathing  and  disgust  from  the 
man  who  had  beon  my  pal  in  a  crooked  deal. 


VII 


Arriviii(gi  at  my  otiice  I  sat  down  and  thought. 

The  waves  of  memory  carried  me  back  to  all  the 
quacks  ana  charlatans  i  had  ever  known,  i  re- 
caiidd  stories  1  had  heard  about  them,  i  remembear- 
ed  anecdotes  told  me  of  them.  And  aiter  i  had 
weigned  and  aniyzeci  their  «hort  comings  and  cie- 
i'ttets,  there  was  only  one  conclusion  1  could  reach. 
1  was  like  none  of  them,  i  differed  from  them  in 
eveiry  respect.  There  was  no  similarity  whatever 
betweien  us.  All  of  them,  without  exception,  were 
delinquents.  They  were  sadly  defective,  while  I 
was  normal  in  every  way.  Each  and  everyone  of 
them  had  began  early  to  practice  deception,  and 
were  by  natuire  'born  prevaricators,  while  1  was 
truthful,  honest,  upright  and  had  become  a  quack 
by  sheter  force  of  circumstances. 

Given  an  opportunity  and  a  start  in  life  I  would 
no  more  have  thought  of  becoming  a  quack  than 
I  would  have  planned  to  commit  suiciide.  But  I 
had  reached  such  a  point  in  my  checkered  career 
that  it  seemed  the  only  possible  solution  of  the 
problem  that  confronted  me.  The  great  question 
with  me  ever  since  .graduating  was  how  to  get  on 
honorably.  I  had  tried  long  and  hard.  I  had  been 
kind  and  courteous  to  all.  I  had  cultivated  af- 
falbSlity  of  manner  and  cheerfulness  of  mind,  and 
all  to  no  purpose.  It  seemed  as  though  I  could 'nt 
attract.  It  looked  as  though  I  lacked  the  qualitiies 
that  win  and  hold  and  was  thereifore  doomed  to 
failure. 

God  alone  knows  the  depth  of  my  despair. 
Through  lonely  days  and  sleepless  nights  I  brooded 
over  it^  until  at  last  I  oould  stand  it  no  longer.  And 
thien  all  of  a  sudden  it  seemed  as  though  a  strange 
light  bumst  in  on  my  darkened  consciousness     show- 

32 


CONib'^SSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  33 

iiig  me  the  way.  I  would  become  a  quack,  a  boast- 
ful, deceitful,  dishonest,  lying  pretender.  It  makes 
me  almost  dizzy  when  I  think  of  it.  My  brain 
reels  as  I  recall  the  deterioration  that  took  place 
in  my  character.  I  who  had  never  willfully  told  a 
lie,  now  found  it  easy,  seemingly  natural  to  utteor 
falsehoods.  I  who  had  been  modest  and  unassum- 
ing became  bold  and  overbearinp.  I  w^ho  had  been 
ctharitable,  became  heartless  and  merciless.  I  who 
had  been  benevolent,  had  been  transformed  by  some 
evil  igenii  into  an  unfeieling  monster  whose  avarice 
was  limitless,  and  who  took  a  fiendish  delight  in 
inflicting   pain  and  witnessing    acts  of   cruelty. 

Better  by  far  to  have  stayed  in  my  dingy  old 
office  with  its  faded  fresco  and  obsolete  etching, 
its  dusty  shelves,  threadbare  carpets  and  musty 
sinell.  Infinitely  preferable  to  that  condition  of 
mind  and  heart  success  brought  me. 

My  musing  was  broujght  to  a  sudden  termina- 
tion. The  door  bell  had  rung  and  as  I  was  a  full 
fledged  quack  my  first  duty  was  to  cease  useless, 
senseless  moralizing  and  get  down  to  business. 

My  visitor  proved  to  be  a  Jew,  a  very  respectable 
looking  Jew  at  that.  As  I  was  a  quack  it  was  my 
business  to  ascertain  as  best  I  could  his  financial 
standing. 

A  rather  hasty  survey  of  his  peirsonality  enabled 
me  to  form  a  fairly  accurate  estimate  of  him.  I 
inferred  he  was  a  prosperous  merchant  and  sub- 
sequettit  visits  proved  I  was  right.  He  was  neatly 
dressed  as  beicomes  any  well  to  do  business  man. 

"Ap©  you  the  doctor  "  he  asked,  lookinig  me 
over. 

"I'll  have  to  plead  guilty,"  I  replied. 

"Then.,  for  Moses  sake,  come  across  the  way. 
My  daughter  is  very  ill." 

"What  seiems  to  be  the  trouble?"  I  asked. 

"That's  what  I'd  like  to  know,"  he  answered 
evasively.  '        '  !^1 


My  visitor  proved  to  be  a  Jew,  a  very  respectable 
looking  Jew  at  that.     (Page  33) 


CONFESSIONS    OF    A    QUACK  35 

Kight  away  1  knew  I  was  up  against  a  case  where 
qjuucKisn  meinods  would  have  to  ue  cuuiiousiy  ap- 
plied. Esipecially  would  i  have  to  bei  caretui  when 
It  came  to  the  money  ;side.  My  Semitic  jpaiitait 
would  surely  prove  astute  when  1  tackled  ihim  a- 
long  those  lines.  I  couldn't  put  one  over  on  him 
like  i  did  on  Mrs.  Grayson. 

"I  hope^  it  isn't  the  Flue,"  I  said. 

' '  If  it  was  as  simple  as!  all  that  I  would  not  have 
come  alter  you,"   he  replied. 

I  decided  to  do  no  morel  talking  but  keep  my 
eyes  and  ears  open.  The  Jeiw's  home  was  just 
around  the  corner,  a  place  I  had  passed  hundreds 
o£  times  and  never  thought  it  worth  while  to  in- 
quire who  lived  there,  and  without  ever  thinking 
1  would  be  called  upon  to  make  a  diagnosis. 

I  hurried  up  the  steps  close  to  the  heels  of  a  new 
membeir  of  my  clientele  and  entered.  Insidei  I 
sensed  a  peculiar  odor.  It  wasn't  the  nasty  smell 
one  detects  in  old  buildings  where'  sunshine  and 
fresh  air  ane  unknown;  neither  was  it  the  odoir  of 
anything  I  Avas  familiar  with.  It  was  an  aroma 
uniquei  and  distinctive,,  something  peculiar  itself. 
There  was  no  adjective  I  could  think  of  that  would 
describe  it,  and  immediately  it  occured  to  me  that 
I  might  make  use)  of  it  to  my  pecuniary  advantage. 
Since  the  alarming  spread  of  the  Spanish  Influemza 
the  people  were  in  a  condition  bordering  on  hys- 
terical fnenzy.  They  wer«  ready  to  bolieve  any- 
thinig;.  I  would  use  my  inventive  powers,  coin  a 
name  and  announce  the  prescttice  of  a  new  plague. 
And  to  confirm  the  diagnosis  I  would  call  in  Doc- 
tor Ralston  whose  reputation  had  grown  somewhat 
since  our  operation  on  Mrs.  Grayson.  I  smiled  as 
I  thought  of  my  cUnning  and  resourcefulness,  and 
chuckling  with  glee  I  entered  the  sick  chamJber  of 
my  new  patient. 

Bieforei  me  was  the  most  beautiful  girl  I  had 
ever  seen.    Talk  about  stage   beauties  and  rave  a- 


36  CONFESSIONS  OF   A   QUACK 

bout  moving  picture  stars !  That  girl  had  it  all  over 
them.  She  reminded  me  of  a  Madonna  oi:  Raphael. 
Such  exquisite  perfection  of  feature  and  beautiful 
blending  of  collor  I  had  never  seen.  Her  forehead, 
neck  and  shoulders  were  of  marble  whiteness;  her 
cheieks  were  tinted  like  a  rose.  Her  hair  was  as 
black  as  a  raven's  feathers,  and  her  eyes,  shaded 
by  long  lashes  wera  o&  the  deepest  blue.  She  laid 
perfectly  still  seeimingly  unconscious  of  my  prea- 
ence. 

"She's  been  that  way  all  day,"  her  father  said. 

I  placed  my  ear  to  her  chest  and  listened  to  the 
beating  of  her  heart,  heir  father  all  the  while  watch- 
ing me  closely  and  trying  to  nead  my  finding*  in 
the  lines  of  my  face. 

Carefully,  painstakingly  I  examined  her,  but  I 
found  nothing  wrong.  1  could  not  explain  her  at- 
titude of  listlesness.  Immediately  I  remermbered  I 
waa  a  quack.  If  I  were  true  to  my  calling  I  would 
not  be  expected  to  makef  a  correct  diagnosis.  All 
that  would  t)©  required  of  me  would  be  to  lie.  Tra- 
dition, experience,  the  common  consent  of  man- 
kind demanded  it  of  me.  I  had  begun  that  way, 
I  would  cftid  that  way  and  nobody  would  know  it, 
but  my  confederate  and  coUeaigue. 

"This  is  the  new  plague  that's  just  appeared". 
The  words  were  no  sooner  out  of  my  mouth  than 
the  J'cw  fedl  on  his  knees.  He  grasped  his  daugh- 
ter's hand  and  whisperel  words  of  endeannent  to 
her.  I  was  only  a  quack,  a  man  with  sympathy 
for  nobody,  who  thought  of  nothing  beyond  the 
filching  of  money  from  the  pockets  of  credulous 
and  unfortunate  people,  yet  as  I  stood  there  a  silent 
witness  to  this  display  of  fatherly  love  and  devo- 
tion I  was  painfully  conscious  of  something  chock- 
ing m'e.  My  natural  feelings  were  trying  to  assert 
themselves,  A  battle  was  being  waged  between 
stoicism  and  pity,  with  overwhe/lming  defeat  star- 
ing the  former  in  the  face. 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  37 

"It's  contagious",  I  sliouted;  "get  up." 
Immediately  the*  Jew  was  ©n  his  feet.     With  a 
look  of  despair  on  his  face  he  drew  back.  He  thrust 
out  both  hands  to  me  appealingly. 

"Cune  her!  Save  hetr!  You  must!  She's  all  I 
have  to  live  for.  And  see  how  beautiful  she  is. 
Poor  little  Rachel!"  And  he  began  to  sob  as  though 
his  heart  would  break. 

Oncet  more  I  was  quack,  a  merciless,  heartless 
charlatan,  hard  as  ste^el,  greedy  and  a  monster  in 
lying. 

"I  can  cure  heir,  but  my  charges  will  be  rather 
steep,"  I  replied. 

"I  don't  care  what  they  are.  I'm  not  a  poor 
man,  I  can  pay." 

"But  first  of  all  I  must  bring  a  very  able  con- 
sultant. ' ' 

"That's  right.    Two  heads  are  better  than  one." 
"His  fees  are  somewhat  high,   too." 
"I  don't  mind.     Bring  him  heire  at  once." 
I  turned  away  from  the  bedside  where  lay  beau- 
tiful Rachel  and  hurried  down  to  Ralston 's  to  tell 
him  all  about  thei  new  fish  I  had  cauigiht. 


VIII 

When  I  arrived  at  Ralston 's  I  found  him  greatly 
changed.  He  was  well  dressed  and  had  the  air  and 
manner  af  a  prosperous  physician.  I  could  see  he 
was  a  little  surprised  at  my  coming.  It  was  evident 
he  didn't  expect  me.  He  listened  attentively  to 
what  I  had  to  say  and  asked  many  questions  about 
the  Jew  and  his  daughter  who  were  now  enrolled 
as  my  patients.  I  was  aware  that  he  took  more 
than  casual  interest  in  Rachel  and  believed  he  was 
anxious  to  accompany  me  to  the  homs  of  her  father. 

As  I  sat  and  studied  thei  man  who  was  now  my  tool 
and  partner  in  all  my  lying  and  stealing,  a  strong 
aversion  for  him  came  over  me.  Here  aigain  was 
proof  and  evidence  that  my  better  nature  and 
higher  self  were  not  extinct.  A  few  fragments  of 
shattetned  ideals  that  had  guided  me  over  a  career 
of  honorable  failure  might  still  be  gathered  togeth- 
er that  would  make  of  me  the  semblance  of  a  man. 
But  I  laughed  as  I  thouight  of  it.  I  had  bt^m  to 
go  down  hill  and  nothing  could  now  save  me  from 
the  precipice  at  the  bottom. 

The  man  whose  guest  I  was  had  not  started  me. 
I  could  not  blame  him  for  that.  Chafing  under  dis- 
fiouragemeut  I  had  taken  the  initiative  alone  and 
had  gone  and  enticed  him  to  do  likewise.  Ralston 
might  have  just  cause  for  resentnient  against  me. 
1  had  none  for  him. 

"You're  a  lucky  fellow  to  get  another  good  ca«*e 
so  soon,"  said  Ralston. 

"It  seems  that  way,  doesn't  it?" 

"I  wonder  if  it  will  pay  us  as  well  as  that  ojpera- 
tion."  :    1    ! 

The  word  "operation"  caused  me  to  laugh.  Op- 
erations !  Neither  of  us  knew  anything  about  them. 
Wd   had  no  books  on  surigierv.   frequented  no  hos- 

38 


OONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  39 

pitals  and  were  as  ignorant  as  a  croeodilei  oif  tech- 
nique. We  had  a  few  old  instruments  somewhat 
rusty  from  neglect  and  non  use.  We  wouldn't  know 
an  appendix  if  We  saw  it.  Little  wonder  we  were 
failures.  We  hadn't  looked  inside  the  books  for 
years,  and  in  the  old  days  when  the  necessity  of 
passing  examinations  made  us  study  we  spent  more 
time  than  was  good  for  us  examining  charts  and 
pictures.  Long  ago  we  had  drifted  into  a  don't 
care  attitude,  the  result  di  which  was  that  we  would 
have  starved  to  dead  if  we  hadn't  decided  to  be- 
come quacks. 

"There's  plenty  of  money  in  it  for  both  of  us  if 
we  can  scare  the  old  man  and  iget  the  girl  on  her 
feet,"  T  replied. 

** Let's   gert  busy    and    try." 

"That's  what  I  say.  Ralston,  keep  a  straight 
face  while  T  talk  about  the  new  Plague.  The  peo- 
ple are  scared.  There's  no  denying  it,  and  there's 
good  cause  for  their  alarm.  You  know  that  all 
right.  This  Jew  has  money,  plenty  of  it.  Wo  must 
get  some  of  it.  WeJ're  not  ig^ing  to  hit  him  over 
the  head.  That  would  be  brutal.  There's  no  need 
of  resorting  to  such  tactics.  All  we  have  to  do  Is 
to  look  wisie.  use  a  few  technical  words  he  doesn't 
know  the  meaning  of,  and  give  his  lovely  dausrhter 
a  harmless  mixture  we  could  safelv  administer'  to 
a  baby.  Observe  the  results.  Old  man  Shylock 
nntips  his  purse  strings  and  you  and  T  have  climb- 
ed another  rung  in  the  ladder  of  success. 

"T  hope  it  is  as  'easy  as  you  say.  But  I  havei  a 
pretty  thorouisrh  knowledge  of  Jews.  They  are  a 
peoiple  not   easily    deceived." 

"There  I  agtree  with  you.  But  here's  how  we'll 
get  the  bftttJer  of  the  Jew's  acumen.  He  has  won- 
derful Inve  for  his  child.  He's  devoted  to  her. 
She's  all  he  has  to  live  for.  Without  her  his  money 
and  jewels   mean   nothing  to  him.     Tf  she  were  to 


40  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

fall  a  victim  of  this  new  Plague, . .  "  I  paused  to 
suppress  a  laugh;  "hei  would  be  brokenhearted. 
Life  would  not  be  worth  livini^.  Our  game  is 
simple.  A  child  could  tell  you  what  it  is.  We  are 
to  do  our  worst  or  ibest,  whichever  way  you  wish 
to  put  it,  to  convince  him  that  his  daughter  is  very 
ill.  We  are  to  pre'scribe  for  her  something  simple 
and  iiarmless,  of  course.  As  sbe  improves  we  are 
to  claim  that  our  treatment  did  the  work  and  you 
will  need  have  no  fear  about  the  girl's  father  pay- 
ing  us." 

"You  certainly  have  it  all  figured  out." 
"As  a  general  plans  his  campaign.  Come,  let's  be 
going." 

I  took  Ralston  by  the  arm  and  led  him  down  the 
street.  I  felt  young,  buoyant,  experienced  no 
qualms  of  conscience  at  the  thought  of  what  T  was 
about  to  do  and  was  happy  because  I  was  a  quack. 


IX 

Brisk  walking  soon  brought  us  to  our  destina- 
tion. Wte  found  to  our  great  joy  the  lovely  Rachel 
much  improved.  She  was  sitting'  up  in  bed  and 
her  father  was  kneeling  beside  her,  fanning  her. 
As  we  entered  Ralston  smotheired  an  exclamation 
of  surprise.  He  had  seien  beautiful  women,  plenty 
of  them,  but  he  was  willing  to  swear  this  Jewess 
was  the  finest  creature  he  had  ever  laid  eyes  on. 
And  mind  you  hf|  was  gazing  on  her  in  the  throes 
of  an  alarming  fatal  diseai^e.  At  lea.st  I  had  said 
so  a  little  before.  And  according  to  current  opinion 
I  was  a  skilful  physician  and  should  know. 

"She  seems  much  better,  Doctor,"  hie  saiid.  rising 
and  bowing  to  Ralston. 

**It  is  velry  aparent  she  is.  But  don't  be  misled 
by    this  temporary   improvement." 

The  old  man's  face  darkened.  I  had  taken  from 
him,  as  it  were  the  crutch  on  which  he  leaned  for 
support. 

"It  is  quite  typical  and  characte*ristie  of  the  dis- 
ease. People  are  buoyed  up  with  the  hope  of  a 
speedy  recovery  when  alas!  their  hopes  prove 
illusive." 

He  gave  my  words  the  closest  attention. 

"I  don't  want  to  frighten  you  or  destroy  your 
hopes.  Dr.  Ralston  and  myself  have  seen  cases 
like  this  before.  We've  learned  from  esperience 
that  it  pays  to  be  guarded  in  one's  prognosis.  "We 
DreiPer  not  to  express  an  opinion  until  tomorrow. 
By  that  time  the  crisis  will  have  occurred.  In  the 
meantSmei  we  a^U  leave  some  tablets  which  you  are 
to  give  hpr  accordincr  to  directions." 

I  placed  a  box  of  C.  C.  Pills  on  the  table.  My 
manner  was  grave.  I  carritpd  myself  w^iil  f*r\r{  T 
know    the  Jew  and  bi«  dfiughter   werp    profoundlv 

41 


42  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

impressed  with  everything  I  said  and  did.  Dr. 
Ralston  had  walked  over  to  the*  window  and  was 
lookinjgi  out  on  the  panorama  of  action  in  which  he 
had  done  so  little. 

"It  is  costumary  to  settle  with  the  consultant." 

Immediately  Ralston  turned  around. 

"As  your  daughter's  ease  is  serious  I  am  afiraid 
our  fee  will  appear  a  little  lai^ge.  But  we<  are 
going  to  do  you  a  igireat  favor.  "We  don 't  intend  to 
report  the  case.  If  we  did  you  would  be  quarantin- 
ed. That  would  entaal  hardship  and  suffering  on 
you.  The  fe^e,  including  that  of  my  consultant,  will 
be  five  hundred  dollars." 

The  old  man  shrugged  his  shoulders.  His  daugh- 
ter leaned  her  head  back  on  the  sofa  and  sighed. 

"Doctors  cost  pretty  near  as  much  as  diamonds," 
said  the  old  man  as  he  sat  down  at  his  desk  and 
wrote  out  the  check. 


In  two  days  Ralston  and  I  made  a  thousand  dol- 
lars. That  was  the  most  money  we  had  eV'Sr  seen 
together  in  all  our  life!.  And  we  had  earned  it  easi- 
ly too.  By  fraud  and  deception  wel  had  acquired 
it  and  neither  of  us  was  ashamed.  There  were 
tricks  to  all  trades.  "We  had  made  the  most  of 
them  in  our  line.  We  could  boast  and  brag  a  little 
now.  Five  hundred  dollars  in  one's  pockets  makep 
all  the  difference  in  the  world  in  a  man.  I  began 
to  think  life  was  worth  living.  It  wasn't  such  a 
bad  game  after  all.  A  little  money  changed  my 
viewpoint  on  ever>'thinigi.  It  gave  me  new  and  dif- 
ferent ideas  on  all  subjects.  I  was  beginning  to 
lose  a  good  deal  of  my  pessimism.  The  optimism 
I  had  when  a  boy  was  coming  back  to  met  As  T 
glanced  at  my  reflection  in  the  mirror  I  imaginied 
that  I  looked  younger.  And  people  everywhere 
congratulated  me  on  my  improved  appearance.  I 
noticed,  too,  that  many  went  out  oif  their  way 
to  nseet  me,  and  I  was  receiving  smiles  and  nods 
from  men  and  women  who  formerly  didn't  think 
it  worth  while  to  notice  me.  All  of  which  made  me 
believe  we  are  living  in  a  strange  world  where  no- 
body looks  beyond  appea^rances  and  that  worldly 
prosperity  commands  respeict  and  good  will  of 
men. 

But  what  a  fraud  I  was !  If  they  only  knew  me, 
what  would  thiey  think  and  say !  Here  I  was  pos- 
ing as  an  ethical  doctor  and  passing  as  an  accom- 
plished physician  and  skillful  surgeon,  when,  as  a 
matter  of  fact,  I  w^s  a  quack,  an  imposter,  a 
charlatan  and  fakir.  And  the  only  reason  I  "got 
by"  and  the  countrefeit  wasnt't  discovered  was 
because  I  dressed  ^viell.,  had  unlimited  gall  and 
could  give  Ananias  points  in  an  art  that  in  modem 


44  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

society  is  considered  quite  a  necessary   accomplish- 
ment. 

How  long  would  I  keep  on  acting?  That  was 
the  question  I  found  myself  asking.  I  might  be 
diseoveped  and  exposed.  It  might  happen  any  time. 
It  could  occur  soon.  Perhaps  by  henrx'x  o.trct'nl  a 
year  or  two  would  elapse  hefore  people  would  find 
me  out.  By  keeiping  within  the  law  I  could  carry 
on  my  business  unmolested.  B'ut  the  ghost  of  fear 
began  to  haunt  me.  People  will  talk.  It  is  human 
nature  to  do  so.  No  man  can  count  on  having 
everyone  his  frietnd.  So  I,  like  the  rest  of  man- 
kind, had  enemies.  In  common  with  them  I  learn- 
ed that  there  were  people  "knocking"  m^e.  It  was 
just  as  I  expected.  Jealousy  and  selfishness  under- 
llied  it.  The  doctors  were  watching  me.  My  sud- 
den prosperity  and  success  surprised  them.  All 
kinds  of  rumors  were  afloat.  Some  said  I  had  been 
left  a  legacy;  others  declared  I  had  married  a  rich 
widow,  and  for  reasons  best  known  to  myself,  was 
witholdinig.  the  lady's  name  from  the  public.  It 
amused  me  greatly  to  hear  what  was  being  said. 
I  contrived  to  keep  out  of  the  doctors  way  as  much 
as  possible.  They  nevier  had  much  love  for  me, 
anyway.  I  didn't  join  the  Medical  Society  and 
held  myself  aloof  from  all  of  them.  I  was  about 
as  popular  with  them  as  a  skunk  is  in  the  chick- 
en coop.  The(y  had  no  use  for  me  because  I  was 
poor  and  didn't  get  on.  But  there's  an  old  saying 
that  every  dog  has  his  day,  and  I  sure  was  having 
mine.  Patients  begian  to  come  by  the  hundreds.  I 
couldn't  answer  half  the  calls  I  had.  Those  that 
looked  doubtful  I  sent  to  Ralston.  He  was  greedy 
and  would  run  anywhere  if  thetre  was  a  chance  of 
getting  a  dollar.  For  all  my  "Flu"  cases  I  pre- 
scribed calomel  and  quinine.  Over  and  over  again 
I  wrote  pescriptions  for  thesei  tAvo  useful  drugs. 
I  became  sick  and  tireld  of  doing  so  and  it  was  not 
easy  for  me  to  keep  from    smn.ling   as  oIttp  of   my 


CONFESSIONS    OF  A    QUACK  4.3 

patients  would  drop  in  to  see  me,  plank  down  two 
dollars  and  ask  for  a  preventive  agiainst  the"  Flu". 
I  would  take  my  blank  out  of  my  pocket  and  as 
fast  as  my  fingers  would  go  1  'd  write  down  the  mild 
chloride  of  mercury  and  good  old  sulphate  of  qui- 
nine. Of  course,  occasionally  I'd  order  aspirin  tab- 
lets, but  it  wasn't  velry   often. 

When  the  epidemic  was  over  I  had  a  big  pile  of 
currency  and  a  sack  of  silver  to  show  for  my  troub- 
le. I  had  good  luck  with  all  my  cases  whiedi  in- 
creased my  reputation  and  strenghtened  the  peo- 
ple's belief  in  my  possiession  of  knowledge  and 
skill.  I  could  now  play  thei  role  of  quack  in  a 
bolder  and  more  defiant  way.  By  this  time  1  had 
acquired  a  brisk  manner  that  inclined  most  otf 
people  to  leave  me  alone.  I  assumed  an  aloofnesi 
that  was  wholly  unnatural  to  mie.  I  was  a  Demo- 
crat by  nature.  1  hadn't  a  particle  of  use  for 
aristocracy  and  despised  those  who  mimicked  its 
ways  and  adopted  its  airs.  Yet  hare  was  I  practic- 
ing what  I  didn't  preach,  doing  things  I  believed 
in  not  doing  and  making  as  big  a  fool  of  myself 
generally  as  is  possible  for  a  human  bein  intoxicat- 
ed with  success  to  do.  And  it  all  came  from  me 
beinigi  a  quack.  It  was  the  natural  sequence  and 
logical  outcome  of  it. 

One  day,  shortly  aft«r  Ralston  and  I  cleaned  up 
the  five  hundred  for  seirvices  as  related,  rendered 
the  daughter  of  a  wealthy  Jew.  a  lady  stylishly 
dressed  came  into  my  office.  At  first  glance  she 
seemed  not  unlike  the  many  other  patients  who  con- 
sulted me.  But  a  little  closer  scrutiny  on  my  part 
revealed  the  fact  that  she  was  wholly  different  from 
any  of  them.  She  had  the  subdued  air  of  a  woman 
whose  spirit  was  broken  and  who  had  known  a 
close  acquaintance  with  grief  and  sorrow.  Despite 
this  she  was  decidedly  pretty.  She  spoke  with  for- 
'eign  accent  in  a  low  sweet  voice.  I'll  remember  it 
always.      I    could  easily  distinguish   it    anywhere. 


46  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

And  right  now,  as  i  sit  here  writing  these  "  Con- 
fessions"  1  hear  it.  1  imagine  such  a  voice  is  given 
to  one  in  a  million.     1  could  listen  to  it  forever. 

'Doctor,  I  want  you  to  come  and  see  my  son- 
Something  is  the  matter  with  him.  What  it  is  1 
don't  know.  But  I'm  nearly  distracted  because  of 
it.    Can  you  come  right  away  ? ' ' 

' '  I  can  go  this  very  instant,  right  with  you  if  you 
don't  mind",  1  replied. 

1  escorted  the  little  woman  down  the  stairway 
and  out  into  the  street.  Not  for  a  moment  did  1 
foilget  I  was  a  qiuack.  This  woman  and  her  sick 
son  had  only  one  interest  for  me,  namely,  to  de- 
ceivie,  and  fool  them  and  turn  their  fears  to  my  own 
pecuniary    advantage. 

1  experifciice  no  shame  in  admitting  it,  I  was 
callous  and  hardened.  I  had  lost  the  last  vestige 
of  honor.  I  was  an  unscrupulous,  uupriucipied  char- 
latan. As  wei  walked  along  there  was  one  thought 
in  my  mind  and  that  was  [how  I  might  get  an 
ample  fee  for  the  services  I  was  to  render.  So  I 
began  adroitly  enough  by  asking  a  few  questions 
that  would  give  me  an  insigjit  into  my  newly  ac- 
quainted patient's  finances. 

"I  suppose*  your  husband  is  in  business?"  I 
asked. 

"I  have  no  husband.  I  am  a  widow." 

"Your  sick  son  is  your  support  I  presume." 

"Gracious,  no.  I  am  quite*  beyond  the  need  oi 
assistance  from  anyone." 

"I  see.  Well  to  do.  How  fortunate!  It  is  nice 
to   be  in  comfortahle  circumstances." 

"It  is  to  say  the*  least  very  convenient." 

"Quite  so." 

I  lapsed  into  a  thoughtful  silence.  I  wished  to 
know  no  more.  I  could  charge  a  big  fee  but  would 
I  get  it  ?  I  would  on  one  condition  only.  If  I  were 
clever    enough  to    scarel  her  and  make   it  aippear 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  47 

that  1  had  cured  her  aon  1  knew  she  would  pay 
me    whatever  1  asked. 

•'How  long  has  your  son  been  ill?"  I  asked,  hop- 
ing she  would  teii  me  ©verything,  so  that  i  could 
piay  thti  game  of  imposter  without  lear  of  ex- 
posure. 

"Since  yesterday." 

"Confined  to   is  bed?" 

"Yes." 

"Any  fever?" 

' '  Yes.     His    temperature  is  very  high, ' ' 

"Headache  and  backache    as  well?" 

"Yes.      He   complains   most    of  that." 

"My  good  woman,  he  has  symptoms  of  the 
Plague." 

She  reeled  and  would  have  fallen  if  I  hadn't 
caught  her  in  my  arms.  I  chuckled  as  I  thought  of 
it.  How  clever  1  was !  How  thorough  my  know- 
ledge of  human  nature  !  How  tactful  and  diplomat- 
ic for  me  to  say  that !  Those  few  words  of  mine 
had  called  into  beinigi  a  leg-ion  demons  of  fear. 
This  little  woman  with  the  sweet  musical  voice  and 
subdued  air  was  in  a  frame  ol  mind  to  believe  any- 
thing. The  absurd  and  incredible  were  things  quite 
alike.  She  had  lost  all  power  of  distinction.  Her 
sense  of  logic  and  the  sequence  of  cause  and  effect 
meant  nothing  to  her  now. 

"But  I  can  cure  him."  I  shouted,  shaking  her. 

"Cure  him!  Of  course  you  can.  That's  why  I 
am  bringing  you  to  him",  she  added  diying  her 
eyes. 

"My  charges  will  be  somewhat  high,"  experience 
taught  me  it  was  always  well  to  say  this. 

"I  don't  care  what  they  arei.  My  son  is  more  to 
me  than  all  the  money  in  the  world." 

"That's  the  Avay  for  a  real  mother  to  think  and 
feel.     I  suppose   he  has   been  a  dutiful   son." 

"A  joy  and  comfort  to  me.  The  thought  of  los- 
ing him  is  breaking  my  heart." 


48  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

She  began  to  weep  bitterly. 

"Come  don't  cry,"  I  said  patting  her  on  the  back. 
"I'll  soon  have  him.  up  and  well." 

She  stopped  crying  and  looked  up.  Before  us 
was  a  beautiful  home  with  a  fine  garden  shade 
trees  and  an  abundance  of  flowers. 

"This  is  where  I  live.     Come  in." 

I  heard  the  heavy  iron  gate  creak  on  its  hingea 
and  with  a  jaunty  air  and  buoyant  manner  I  tiptoed 
over  the  graveled  pathway  that  led  to  her  door. 
Surely  some  benigji  goddess  was  presiding  over 
my  affairs.  I  don't  imagine  another  human  being 
had  such  a  streak  of  good  luck  in  thii  world.  In 
th-e  space  of  few  days  I  had  »ecured  in  rapid  suc- 
cession three  important  cases  that  replenished  my 
deple/ted  purse  and  gave  me  prestigje  and  pro- 
fessional renown. 

I  found  my  patient  resting  on  a  sofa  in  the  par- 
lor. He  was  a  handsomie  youth  of  twenty  and  one 
hasty  glance  told  me  the  boy  was  suffering  from 
a  heavy  cold.  But  I  was  a  quack.  I  wasn't  born 
one,  but  had  become  so  by  choic«.  So  the  only 
thing!  for  mei  to  do  was  to  lie.  And  I  did  so  as 
fast  as  I  could.  I  felt  it  was  my  duty  to  do  that. 
There  was  a  nice  big  fee  at  stake  and  the  getting 
of  it  all  de|)ended  upon  my  ability  to  speak  un- 
truths 

"Madam  I'm  sorry  to  say  he  has  the  pneumonic 
plague,"  I  said. 

' '  The  plague ! ' '  she  ^gasped. 

"But  it  is  not  necessarily  fatal.  You've  called 
me  in  early.  There 's  a  great  deal  in  that  you  know. 
We  can  cut  short  the  disease.  But  I  must  have  a 
consoiltant.  The  case  is  too  serious  for  me  to  handle 
alone." 

The  boy  turned  and  gave  me  a  look.  I'll  never 
forget  that  .glanoe  as  long  as  I  Hve.  It  said  more 
in  the  way  of  reproach  than  all  the  wcrds  he  might 
utter.     Scorn  and  contempt  were  in  it  and  all  the 


CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  49 

kate  of  fraud  that  was  in  his  young  h^art.  H« 
knew  I  was  lying.  He  reootgnized  me  ag  an  im- 
poster  and  when  he  got  well  I  could  count  on  him 
as  an  open  enemy.  Suddenly  fear  came  over  me. 
Perhaps  I  would  meet  my  Waterloo  in  this  smooth 
faced  boy,  whose  mother's  love  and  fear  I  had 
taken  advantage  of  to  lie  and  steal.  For  the  first 
tim&  I  became  aware  that  there  were  people  in 
the  world  who  could  detect  the  mask  of  hypocrisy 
I  wore  and  some   of  them  were   very  youngf. 

"May  I   use  your  telephone,*'  I  asked. 

''Certainly.  It  is  right  in  the  hallway,"  she 
3?«plied. 

This  bit  of  information  caused  a  tremor  to  pass 
over  me.  The  thought  flashed  through  my  mind 
that  the  moment  I  left  the  room  that  boy  would 
•onfide  his  suspicion  in  his  mother.  There  w«! 
only  one  chance  in  a  thousand  that  he  wouldn't.  If 
he  did  I  would  know  it  the  moment  I  entered  the 
parlor.  It  now  occurred  to  me  that  I  should  not 
have  asked  for  a  consultant.  In  doing  so  I  had 
blundered,  made  a  grave  mistake.  But  it  was 
too  late  to  rectify  it.  I  must  make  the  best  of  a 
bad  situation.  With  a  look  of  defiance  on  my  face 
I  walked  out  of  the  room  and  soon  found  myself 
conversing  with  Dr.  Ralston. 

He  regarded  my  predicament  from  a  hutoioroua 
standpoint.  My  embarrassing  position  with  my 
reputation  as  a  gientleman  of  honor  at  stake,  ap- 
peared to  him  in  the  nature  of  a  joka.  It  might 
be  funny  to  him  but  it  was  a  mighty  serious  piece 
of  business  for  me. 

He  promised  to  ©ome  at  once.  I  knew  that  it 
wasn't  that  he  felt  sorry  for  m«  or  cared  a  rap 
if  I  were  found  out.  But  it  was  greed  that  urged 
him  to  make  haste  and  in  the  shortest  possible^ 
time  to  be  nt  my  side.  He  was  thinking  of  the  foe 
and  not  of  me.  My  compromising  stand  didn't 
Intetrest  or  worry  him  in  the  least. 


50  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

"Dr.  Ralston  will  be  herei  directly  and  we  can 
both  make  a  thorougii  examination  and  arrive  at 
an  accurate  diagnosis,"  I  said  as  I  entered.  I 
was  careful  to  avoid  the  boy's  gaze  but  somehow 
or  other  I  contrived  to  discover  that  his  eyes  were 
borinig'  into  me.  Their  light  was  burning  into  my 
very  soul.  They  were  accusing  me,  blaming  me 
foT  what  I  was.  They  were  doing  miore  than  this. 
They  wera  appealing  to  me  to  rei'orm.  If  Ralston 
would  only  come!  What  wouldn't  I  give  to  have 
the  consultation  over !  I  never  felt  so  ill  at  ease 
and  uncomfortable  in  all  my  life.  The  short  time 
I  had  to  wait  seemed  an  eternity. 

Alas,  all  that  I  lanticipated  happened!  The  boy's 
mother  assumed  immediately  an  attitude  of  indif- 
ference to  me.  Her  manner  was  chilling.  She 
showed  little  disposition  to  carry  on  a  conversation 
and  naturally  I  felt  awkward  and  embarrassed.  In 
the  midst  of  my  perplexity  the  door  bell  rang.  I 
sighed  with  relief.     My    suiffering    would  soon  be 

Dr.  Ralston  came  in  smiling.  He  shook  my  hand 
-warmly  and  bowed  politely  to  the  boy's  mother. 

"Dr.  Ralston,  we  have  another  case  of  pneumon- 
ic plague.  It  is  very  typical.  The  symptoms  are 
quite  characteristic.  Is  there  anything  you  can 
suggest  ? ' ' 

"Nothinigi  more  than  you  have   already  done." 

"Neither  of  you  have  done  anything  at  all,"  pro- 
tested the  angry  boy. 

"Sat  around   and  talked,"  corrected  his   mother. 

Her  voice  which  had  held  me  spellbound  with 
its  mtisical  cadence  was  now  harsh  and  strident. 
She  was  incensed  to  the  very  core.  She  was  boil- 
ing over  with  wrath  and  indignation.  Ralston 
and  I  saw  that  a  storm  wa,s  about  to  break. 

"Clear  out  of  here.  You're  a  pair  of  quacks," 
she  shouted,  making  for  us. 

We  beat    a  haste  retreat,    forigetting  to    ask    for 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  51 

our  fee,  glad   to  escape    the  bicws  we  so    justly 
deserved. 


XII 

"Strmg!"  exclaimed  Ralston  when  w©  reached 
the  street.  i        i    i        ' 

"Good  and  hard  and  early  in  the  game,"  I 
Mplied. 

*'We  ran  u{p   against  two  we   couldn't   fool. 

"We'll  meet  more  of  them  before  we're  through." 

"We'll  have  to  be'  miore  careful  the  next  time." 

"That's  what   I  say." 

"Won't  it  be  awful  if  this  gets  out!"  said  Ral- 
ston. 

"The  worst  thing  that  could  ever  happen.  And 
it  all  comes  from  not  being  careful.  I  mig-ht  have 
known  these  two  were  not  fools.  Just  think  of 
the  fee  I  lost.  Why  didn't  I  use  better  judge- 
ment in  what  I  said  and  did?" 

"Why  didn't  you!  I  think  I  can  answer  you. 
Ton  were  in  too  much  haste.  It  was  the  thought 
of  the  fee  that  upset  you.  You  saw  five  hundred 
in  easy  reaoh  and  lost  your  head." 

"I  guess  that  explains  why  I  acted  as  i  did. 
But  I  learned  a  good  deal  that  will  come  in  handy 
in  our  next  case.  YouVe  got  to  study  your  pat- 
ients well.  You  can't  handle  intelligent  people 
«s  you  do  ignorant  ones.  They  won't  swallow  all 
you  say.  You've  got  to  hand  them  something 
plausible.  The  pills  you  givie  have  to  be  more 
than  sugar  coated." 

"Well  said.  The  comparison  is  a  igood  one," 
Mid  Ralston. 

Suddenly  a  great  noise  reached  us.  I  looked  at 
Ralston.    JEIe  was  deathly  pale. 

"What  is  it?"  I  asked. 

*'A  clash  between  the  strikers'  and  the  police." 

Five  days  before  all  the  shipyards  and  the  Key 
Route   System   had  gone  on  strike.     Thousands  of 

52 


CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  53 

men  had  waikeid  out.  Transbftj  traffic  was  ba4.iy 
crippled.  There  was  a  complete  tieup  of  ail  tii« 
car  lines.  For  a  while  it  seemied  as  iJiough  boiu 
sides  might  reach  some  kind  of  a  settlement.  But 
that  hope  was  now  gone.  It  would  be  a  fight  to 
tihe   finish. 

Hei-e  was  lialston's  chance  and  mine  to  distinguish 
ourselves.  We  were  both  known  to  be  friends  of 
organized  labor.  In  our  more  obscure  and  lem 
prosperous  days,  having  much  time  and  few  patient* 
we  had  attended  every  political  mefctiug  where  the 
wrongs  of  the  working  man  were/  explained  and 
the  proper  remedy  proposed.  But  since  becoming 
successful  practitioners  Wiqi  preferred  very  much 
not  to  be  around  political  meetings.  There  wertf 
many  reasons  for  this.  But  the  main  cause  wm 
we  didn't  see  any  money  in  sight  at  such  gathcxr- 
ings  and  as  we  were  quacks  and  out  for  the  mazumn 
we  conclud'Cd  the  best  thing  we  could  do  was  to 
stay  home  and  look  out  for  victims.  However, 
whether  in  public  or  in  private  we  managed  to 
maintain  an  attitude  of  sympathy  for  the  workers. 
Of  course,  we  knew  the  side  our  bread  was  buttered 
on.  Most  of  our  patients  belonged  to  the  working 
class,  and  whatever  people  might  say  about  us 
no  one  could  accuse  us  of  being  unloyal  to  those 
who  produced  the  wealth  of  the  world.  We  might 
be  Qiuacks.  In  the  minds  of  many  people  there 
was  no  question  about  it.  But  no  one  could  be 
found  who  could  offer  any  proof  or  evidence  that 
we  were  other  than  true  and  loyal  friends  to  the 
men  now  on  strike. 

The  turault  had  increased.  Curses,  groans  and 
hisses  filled  the  air.  Automobiles  and  motorcycles 
dashed  by.  Men  and  women  ran  tlhrough  the 
streets  pale  and  dishereled. 

"Look!"  exclaimed  Ralston  pointing  down  the 
street. 

I    tumpd  my    eyes  in  the    direction    indicated. 


54  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

xiiere  were  men  in  the  twentieth  ce«ntuiy  oi  so 
called  Christian  civilization  pumimediing  one  an- 
other like  a  pack  of  lunatics  or  blood  tnirsty 
Apache  Indians.  Thoy  fought,  they  cursed,  they 
yelltd.  They  blasphemed  and  uttered  grossly  ob- 
scene words  and  hurled  vile  epithets  at  their  as- 
sailants, 'J'hey  bled  like  stuck  pigs  and  battled 
against  overwlieiming  odds  with  bull  dog  persist- 
ence. All  the  primitive  instincts  of  prehiistoric  man 
had  leaped  to  th^  surface  and  e|Lfaced  the  finer, 
setter  feelings  that  centuries  of  culture  had  im- 
planted. It  was  a  spectacle  little  calculated  to  en- 
noble anyone,  and  it  had  a  depressing  effect  on 
both  of  us. 

"Our  services  arei  badly  needed  down  there," 
1  said.  I,    ,.,.aj 

"That's  very  true.  But  will  we  get  any  pay?" 
asked  Balston. 

"You're  a  regular    quack,"    I    replied. 

"So  are  you." 

He  spit  out  the  words  and  gave  me  a  menacing 
look.  1  had  hurt  his  feelings.  1  had  cut  him  to 
the  quick.    It  didn't  always  pay  to  tell  the  truth. 

We  ran  down  the  street  and  only  stopped  when 
further  travel  was  beset  with  perils.  As  long  as 
I  livei  I'll  not  forget  the  scene  that  confronted  us. 
Several  cars  had  been  demolished  and  broken  glass, 
trolley  poles,  fragments  of  shattered  platforms  were 
strewn  all  around.  It  rejminded  me  of  a  battle- 
lield  wihen  the  detonation  of  cannon  ceases  and 
the  smoke  clears  away.  But  this  wasn't  the  worst, 
not  by  a  long  shot.  As  wej  moved  a  short  dis- 
tance from  this  debris  of  wreckage,  we  camel  face 
to  face  with  several  officers  of  the  law.  They 
were  stalwart  fellows,  splendid  specimens  of  man- 
hood and  stood  like  silent  sentinels  o\»r  thet  pros- 
trate forms  of  several  strickers  bleeiding  and  un- 
conscious in  the  ground. 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  55 

Seeing  us  one  of  them,  presumably  a  Sargeant, 
stepi)e<l  forward.  • 

*"iou  ieiiows  arei  Doctors.  Examine  these  men 
and  teii  us  how  badly  they  are  hurt." 

He  spoke  with  a  strong  Celtic  accent  and  there 
was  a  ring  of  authority  in  his  voice.  That  man 
was  accustomed  to  being  obeyod.  \Vhen  he  said 
a  thing  he  m^eant  it.     There  was  no  mistaking  that. 

It  didn't  take  long  for  Ralston  and  myself  to 
come  to  a  conclusion  as  to  wh^t  was  best  to  do. 
And  for  once;  we  would  be  honest.  It  wasn't  be- 
cause we  liked  to  be  on  the  square,  we  had  to  be. 
inti  all  seeing  eye  of  the  law  was  on  us. 

13ut  here  was  our  chance  to  distinguish  our- 
selves. This  was  an  opportunity  that  didn't  come 
our  way  every  day.  And  we  would  get  newspaper 
advertising  that  might  increase  our  clientele  and 
swell  the  sum  total  of  our  earnings.  So  it  seemed 
most  fortunate  that  w(.  should  happen  to  come  a- 
long  at  an  opportune  time. 

"fialston  let's  get  busy.  And  no  monkey  bus- 
iness this  time,"  I  said  pulling  off  my  coat  and 
rolling  up  my  sleeves. 

We  examined  the  first  victim  who  had  fallen 
in  the  battle  waged  by  organized  labor  against 
capitalist  monopoly  and  found  that  he  had  sus- 
tauied  a  fracture  of  the  skull,  had  innumerable 
abrasions  and  contusions  and  had  lost  all  resemblan- 
ce to  a  human  being  in  the  nuiee  that  had  just 
ended.  His  face  had  been  beaten  to  pulp.  His  eyes 
were  closed,  lips  swollen.  His  ribs  were  broken 
and  the  bones  of  both  arms  and  legs  as  well. 

"That  follow  received  the  worst  mauling  I've 
ever  seen,"  said  Ralston  lying  the  unfortunate 
man  gently  on  the  ground, 

"No  hope  for  him  I  suppose,"  said  the   officer. 

"I'm   afraid  there   isn't,"  I  replied. 

The  next  victim  fared  scarcely  any  better.  He 
was  black  and  blue    from  bead  to  foot.     All    his 


5«  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

teeth  were  eared  in.  There  was  an  ugly  gaah  ou 
top  of  his  head  from  which  flowed  a  crimson  flood 
that  had  gathered  in  a  pool  near  where  he  lay. 

"There's  no  use  in  examinirug  the  rest  of  them. 
All  have  received  fatal  injuries.  It  seems  a  pity 
to  let  them  linger  this  way,  although  unconscious- 
ness has  thrown  the  mantle  of  sweet  oblivion  over 
them,"  I  said. 

Ralston  and  I  washed  our  hands,  put  on  our 
coats  and  turned  away.  For  the  first  time  since 
we  had  become  quacks  we  had  given  our  profess- 
ional opinion  and  not  asfced  for  our  fee. 


XIII 

Ralston  and  I  walked  away,  iilent  and  thought- 
ful with  weighty  matters'  that  occupi-ed  our  minds. 
What  we  had  seen  impressed  us  mightly  and  it 
had  made  as  think.  We  were  living  in  a  t'.me  of 
perplexity.  Great  material  forces  long  held  on  re- 
straint liad  been  let  loose,  industrial  unionism 
had  mat&hed  its  strength  against  the  cunning  and 
native  intelligence  of  capitalist  oppression,  and  ex- 
ploitation, Thei  workers  of  the  world  had  riaeii. 
In  the  might  and  strenght  of  conscious  right  thej 
had  forced  their  way  to  the  front.  And  the  whole 
universe;  seemed  to  be  listening  to  their  wrong* 
and  pointing  out  to  them  the  means  of  redres*. 
There  was  no  dodging  of  the  issue.  It  was  foily  to 
try  and  get  away  from  it.  The  truth  was  before 
us.  We  !saw  it  and  recognized  its  meaning.  We 
gave  it  the  right  and  proper  interpretation  and  even 
though  we  were  q:uacks  and  thought  only  of  pelf 
our  hearts  were  full  of  fear  and  our  minds  dis- 
turbed by  painful  apprehension.  Neither  of  us 
were  religious.  We  would  hardly  have  been  quacks 
if  we  were.  But  we  saw  something  supernatural 
in  what  was  happening  about  us. 

A  spirit  of  unrest  pervaded  the  world.  Off cials  and 
men  who  held  the  destinies  of  nations  in  their  hands 
were  troubled  and  perplexed.  Corruption  had  invad- 
ed high  places.  Sin  and  evil  evei*y where  prcvailevi. 
Selfishness  and  greied  were  dominant  factors  in 
life.  And  all  looked  forward  to  something  to  hap- 
pen that  would  change  existinpf  conditions  and 
purge  socie/ty  of  its   hellish  evils. 

Ralston  and  I  had  fallen  in  line.  In  becomiing 
quacks  we  had  done  nothing  more  culpable  and 
reprehensible  than  the  rest  of  mankind.  Every- 
body was  dishonest  and  insincere.    Why  should  we 

57 


58  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

be  different  from  the  rest  ?  It  was  all  in  the  game, 
the-  strange  game  called  Life.  We  didn't  know 
why  we  were  here  and  didn't  care.  We  had  awak- 
ened to  consciousness  in  a  world  where  lying  and 
stealing  were  considered  necessary  accomplish- 
ments, where  men  made  money  the  God  they  wor- 
shipped. And  to  get  it  we  early  learned  that  many 
of  these  poor  specimens  of  fallen  man  would  stoop 
to  acts  at  which  the  brute  would  revolt.  Is  it; 
any  wonder  we  became  quacks?  As  I  sit  here 
writing  these  confessions  I  am  comscious  of  no 
shame.  I  feel  there  was  justification  for  Ralston 
and  I,  and  I  know  the  impartial  reader  who  wades 
through  this  poorly  and  crudely  written  biography 
will  have  no  word  of  condemnation  lor  us.  \»  o 
were  victims  of  a  system  that  draws  you  into  its 
vortex  whether  you  want  to  go  or  not  and  your 
feeble  words  of  protest  are  lost  or  speedily  for- 
gotten as  men  rush  across  the  shores  of  time. 

Ba  honest  and  you  will  fail  is  both  trite  and 
true.  I  have  no  intention  to  hold  any  man  or 
group  of  men  up  to  ridicule  or  execration.  But 
I  can  say  without  fear  of  contradiction  that  Ral- 
ston and  I  haven't  been  any  worse  than  many 
others  with  this  difference  however^  that  they 
covered  up  their  tracks  while  we  allowed  our  foot- 
prints to  be  seen.  And  in  the  heyday  of  our  pros- 
perity when  the  illusive  thing  called  success  that 
men  so  assiduously  persue,  seemed  within  our  grasp, 
a  conspiracy  was  hatched  by  jealous  professional 
rivals  that  put  human  blood  hounds  on  our  trail 
and  ended  our  career  as  quacks. 


XIV 

Arriving  at  my  office  1  sat  down.  I  felt  tired 
and  iinew  i  neeutJd  rest.  The  <iay  had  been  an. 
exacting  one.  it  had  suprise  and  excitement  for 
me  ana  i  had  returned  to  my  sanctuai'y  oi  ^cueui- 
lug  and  planning  with  an  excessive  weariness  on  me- 
i  reviefwed  the  incidents  of  the  day  and  drew 
lessons  and  warnings  from  them,  i  might  be  a 
quack  but  1  was  not  exactly  a  fool.  I  had  enoi^gh 
sense  to  know  that  I  should  profit  by  experience 
and  1  made  it  a  point  never  to  repeat  any  of  my 
mistakes. 

Kalston  and  1  had  parted  as  usual  the  best  of 
friends.  There  was  a  mutual  understanding  bet- 
ween us.  (Jlose  association  had  giveoi  us  wonder- 
ful insight  into  each  others  chairacter-  We  were 
wholly  unlike.  Our  tastes  were  entirely  dissimilar, 
but  identical  interests  and  the  same  goal  of  am- 
bition obviated  all  this  and  welded  us  as  it  were 
into  one/.  Strange  isn't  it  how  men  can  get  along 
so  well  when  material  gain  is  at  stake.  During  my 
long  and  uiisuccesslui  career  us  a  legitimate  piac- 
titiuner  1  had  observed  that  and  since  becoming 
a  quack  the  truth  had  become  more  evident. 

It  was  obvious  from  thei  start  that  I  would  have 
little  difficulty  in  maintaining  pieitisaut  and  agree- 
able 'relations  with  Ralston.  I  knew  him  thoroughly- 
His  virtues  and  vices  wegre  on  my  finger  tips  so 
to  speak.  I  could  read  him  like  a  book.  I  un- 
derstood how  to  take  him.  And  let  me  say  to 
his  everlasting  credit,  that  while  he  fell  short  of 
being  an  angel,  and  that  when  measured  by  ordinary 
human  standards  he  had  most  of  frailities  common 
to  mankind,  hei  still  possessed  virtues  and  good 
qualities  that  more  than  compensatcid  for  and 
over  balanced  his  vices  and  defects.     For  instance 

59 


60  CONFESSIONS   OF    A  QUACK 

he  was  a  true  and  loyal  friezid-    He  had  a  ^me 

sense  oi.  gratitude  and  he  was  igeneroua  aaa 
charitable  to  a  fault.  His  benevolence  and  good- 
ness of  heart  had  made  him  a  failure  and  hud  pi'«- 
vented  him  from  getting   on. 

J.  sat  still  for  a  wrhiltj  pondering  on  the  warm 
pei-sonal  friendship  that  existed  between  us  and 
then  it  occaixred  to  me  that  it  was  fraught  with 
danglers  £or  both  of  us-  In  the  first  place  i  had 
talked  Ralston  into  becoming  a  quack.  The  idea 
oif  prostituting  his  profession  never  entered  his 
heaa,  until  I  put  the  notion  there,  and  I  will 
never  forgeft  how  bitterly  he  spurned  the  pro^ 
posal  at  first.  It  was  only  by  reasoning  and  argu- 
ing with  him  and  exhausting  my  powers  of  persu- 
asion that  1  had  succeeded  m  couvmciiitg'  iiim  that 
it  was  the   right  and  proper  thing  to   do. 

Many  times  sinoei  we  have  gone  over  the<  same 
ground  and  we  both  agree  that  the  life'  of  a  quack 
has  advantages  and  disadvantages.  It  has  pecun- 
iary emoluments.  Any  one  knows  that  who  has 
given  it  a  fair  trial-  But  it  is  beset  with  dangers 
and  pitfalls  lie  on  eve'iy  siile.  It  has  moui'ents 
when  even  the  most  hardened  and  callous  ex- 
perience the  prickings  of  an  outrage  oonscience, 
and  worst  of  all  fear  is  associated  with  it  and 
some/how  or  other  it  is  inseparably  the  ever  pre- 
sent companion  of  the  charlatan.  I  sat  in  ithie 
revolving  chair  before  my  desk  thinking  of  all 
this  when  suddenly  my  telephone  rang. 

Would  I  come  at  once  to  Sixteenth  and  Chest- 
nut Streets.  I  hated  to  go  but  I  disliked,  to  pe^ 
fuse.  I  knew  thq  family  very  well-  The  father 
of  the  patient  was  a  prosperous  successful  barber 
with  a  fine  shop  in  Seventh  street,,  near  Myrtle, 
supplied  with  the  veiry  latest  equipment  in  tonsorial 
art.  It  was  there  I  got  shaved.  I  learned  years 
before  it  is  not  the  best  policy  to  prescribe  for 
those  you  know  intimately.    There  is  an  old  say- 


CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  61 

ing  that  familiarity  breedi  eontempt  and  ne»ver 
for  a  moment  did  I  forget  it.  Moreover  my  ex- 
perience in  life  taught  me  it  was  a  truism- 

The  mother  of  the  patient  insisted  that  I  come. 
But  I  had  an  aippointment  at  my  oflfice  that  I 
could  not  think  of  breaking.  As  soon  as  I  was  free 
I  hurried  down,  I  was  received  graciously  and 
cordially.  The  mother  of  the  sick  man  pressed 
three  dollars  into  my  hand  for  a  previous  visit 
to  the  patient's  baby  and  escorted  me  in.  Shei 
led  me  into  the  sick  chamber  and  T  sat  down- 
Before  me  resting  quietly  in  bed  with  a  netting 
covering  him  was  my  patient.  He  was  a  young 
man  of  twenty  five,  whom  I  had  not  seen  since  he 
was  eisrbteen.  In  his  ynnng  and  foolish  days  he 
used  to  come  and  see  me  and  in  a  simple  boyish, 
way  tell  me  all  his  secrets.  He  used  to  weary  me 
with  a  narration  of  his  escapades.  When  I  heard 
he  was  married  I  ceased  to  worry  about  him  as 
I  concluded  he  would  settle  down  and  lead  a  cor- 
rect and  upright  lifei 

A  rather  hasty  and  careless  examination  on  my 
part  revealed  nothing  further  the  matter  with  him 
beyond  a  sliirhtly  sensitive  hip  and  considerable 
swelling-  T  also  noticed  that  -he  was  prehpiring 
freelv  and  that  the  pre.«<piration  had  a  sour  acid 
smell.  I  was  a  quack  hence  I  wanted  to  imprew 
my  patient  with  my  learning.  So  adjusting  my 
glasses  and  looking  wise  I  told  him  in  simple  words 
what  aile/d  him. 

"Yon  have  rheumatism,"  T  said  with  the  air  of 
one  who  knows  and  has  superior  knowledge. 

"That's  what  your  friend  Ralston  said,  and  I 
fired  him-" 

I  nearly  fell  oveir  with  surprise.  Dr.  Ralston  had 
been  there  and  had  not  told  me.  Infinitely  worse 
he  had  not  isent  for  me  as  he  was  wont.  He  was 
playing  double.     He    was  not    on    the  level  and 


62  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

square  as  I  thought  he  was-     I  would  give  him  a 
good  call  down  as  soon  as  I  saw  him. 

"I  suppose  both  of  you  know  or  ought  to  know 
your  business,"  he  said  sarcastically  and  turned 
his  head  toward  the  wall.  I  took  out  my  blanks 
to  write  him  a  prescription.  I  ordered  four  drams 
of  Sodium  Salicylate  dissolved  in  three  ounces 
of  Compound  Tincture  of  Cardamons  with  five  grains 
of  Saccharine  to  sweeten  the  mixture,  told  him 
to  take  a  teaspoonful  in  a  glass  of  water  every 
four  hours,  bid  him  good-bye  and  came  home. 

On  my  way  home  T  did  a  ]nt  of  fViinViner  about 
the  patient-  My  mind  went  back  to  the  time  I 
had  an  office  on  Fourth  Street,  San  Francisco.  I 
remember  how  he  used  to  come  to  me  with  all 
his  troubles  and  ask  my  opinion  and  advice.  I 
had  a  distinct  impression  that  he  was  a  nice  like- 
able boy  in  those  days,  although  a  little  wild  and  way- 
ward. But  I  felt  that  T  was  goino:  to  have  trouble 
with  him-  He  would  be  hard  to  manage  and  when 
I  tried  my  usual  quackish  tactics  on  him  as  T  did 
on  all  my  other  patients,  I  would  get  the  worst 
of  it. 

The  first  thing  I  did  on  reiaching  my  office  was 
to  ring  up  Ealston.  I  can't  recall  all  I  said  to  him 
or  use  in  these  "Confessions"  the  languagie  T  saw 
fit  and  proper  to  adopt  as  my  natural  vernacular 
the  day  T  called  my  colleague  on  the  phone.  I'm 
afraid  if  I  did  so  I  might  be  accused  of  praying 
to  the  Lord  in  rather  picturesque  phrases.  Of 
course,  as  I  expected  Ralston  pleladed  excuses. 
There  were  reasons  which  for  delicate  causes  he 
could  not  give  why  he  had  not  sent  for  me  as  a 
con«!ultant-  He  was  profuse  in  apologies  and  pro- 
testations of  innocence  and  promised  to  behave 
more  like  a  true  and  loyal  quack  in  the  future. 

There  was  only  one  thing  to  do  and  that  was 
to  forgive  him,  which  T  did  with  all  mv  heart. 

"I'm  not   sorry  I  got  discharged.     I'm  glad    of 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUAlCK  63 

it.  I'm  no  prophet  but  I  feel  safe  in  saying  you 
are  going  to  have  trouble  there.  Your  man  yiU 
be  hard  to  handle.  I've/  seen  his  kind  before. 
None  of  his  likes  for  me.  Take  my  advice'  and  re- 
tire from  the  case,  before  your  name  is  erased  from 
the  pay  roll." 

To  my  subsequent  sorrow  I  found  out  Ralston 
was  right.  That  one  case  caused  me  more  humil- 
iation than  all  the  others  T  had  in  my  whole  career. 
And  it  did  more  than  this.  It  brougt  down  on  me 
not  only  the  wrath  of  the-  patient's  entire  family 
but  the  maledictions  of  the  doctors  who  for  the 
first  time  denounced  me  openly  and  proclaimed 
me  a   q'uaek- 

I  would  gladly  give  back  the  moi.ey  T  harl 
extorted  from  credulous  women  and  men  if  I 
could  go  back  to  the  day  I  made  the  fatal  blunder 
of  taking  this  case.  It  seems  the  one  blot  of  dis- 
grace I  cannot  erase.  And  when  I  think  of  it, 
instead  of  becoming  as  all  my  other  mistakes, 
Ifss  distinct  with  the  passing  of  time,  it  appears 
a  luminous  spot  in  my  consciousness  that  eve>* 
condemns  and  n  tauig^iblo.  permRnent  rerJitv  tb-^t 
always  upbraids.  But  whether  we  be  ruacks  o;' 
true  men  we  all  aquire  wisdom  in  pretty  much  the 
sam^e  way.  Its  le*ssons  are  learned  at  a  price  wo 
think  dear.  But  in  thp.  end  when  all  is  said  and 
done  we  see  that  eis/perience  brings  us  n  wealth 
of  knowledsre  of  life  and  men. 


xv 

The  next  momhif?  after  breakfast  I  went  down 
to  see  my  new  patient.  Hig  mother  let  ma  in  and 
1  could  see,  by  her  manneir  something  had  gone  wriong. 
As  I  entered  the  sick  room  he  greeted  me  coldly. 
Really  I  would  have  felt  better  if  he  hadn't  said 
anything  at  all.  He  was  surly,  insolent  and  in 
the  mood  to  fight.  I  was  in  no  condition  to  "scrap-" 
Besides  neither  mental  or  physical  pugilism  had 
any  appeal  for  me. 

"You're  a  nice  one,"  he  blurted   out. 

"Why  what's  wrong?"  I  asked  quiet  innocently. 

"What's  wrong?"  he  shouted.  "The  medicine 
you  gave  me.    That's  what's  wronig," 

"What  seems  to  be  the  mater  with  it!"  I  asked 
hoping  to  pacify  him. 

"Sweet  as  treacle.  That's  what'i  th«  matteir 
with  it,"  he  snarled. 

"Oh!     Is  that  all?     I  can  chmm  that  all  right." 

Immediately  I  thought  of  what  I  had  done.  I  had 
put  ton  much  saccharine  in  it,  I  took  out  my  writ- 
incr  pid  and  nuickly  scribbled  off  another  R. 

"There  that  will  be  morel  pleasant  to  take," 
T  said  as  I  gave  it  to  him. 

He  cast  it  rudely  aside. 

"If  it  doesn't  take  effect  there'll  be  trouble 
between  you   and  me." 

"See  hetre,  young  man,  if  you  talk  that  way  to 
me  you'll  have  to  get  another  doctor,"  I  said, 
My  own  anger  rising. 

"You  needn't  get  huffy-  I  can  get  huffy  too," 
he  retorted. 

"I'm  not  huffy,  but  I  don't  like  being  dictated 
to  by  you.  Now  be  sensible,  reason  a  moment 
with  me.  You  nro.  n,  very  sick  boy.  You'll  admit 
that.  The  fact  that  you  are  lying  in  bed,  ha"v« 
sweats  and  fever,  proves  it-     It's  up  to  me  to  get 

04 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  65 

you  well.  I  can  do  it  too,  if  you  will  only  give 
me  a  chance.  But  if  you  oppose  and  contradict  m« 
there's  only  one  thing  for  me  to  do,  namely,  to  let 
you  gK>  to  a  better  world." 

"Siatisfied  to  stay  in  this  world  a  while,"  he 
said. 

This  r(iply  told  me  my  words  had  the  desired 
effect-  He  wanted  to  live.  He  was  anxious  to 
(giet  well  and  his  mother  and  wife  shared  has  wishee. 

As  the  day  went  by  he  seemed  to  gett  some*- 
what  better.  His  condition  had  improved  to  such 
an  extent  that  his  sister  got  married  and  the  house 
was  full  of  friends.  This  would  have  been  most 
fortunate  if  his  ease  had  ended  as  I  thought  it 
would.  But  Fate  had  decreed  that  everything 
should  happen  contrary  to  my  wishes.  The  fever 
and  sweats  continued-  Suddenly  it  dawned  upon 
me  that  the  petulant,  peevish  boy  who  had  tried 
my  patience  as  no  other  patient,  had  florid  phthisis 
or  quick  consumption.  The  thought  had  come  to 
me  like  a  flash  of  inspiration  and  it  was  now 
conviction. 

But  how  could  I  telll  him?  True,  I  was  only  a 
iqiuack.  But  charlatan  that  I  was,  T  still  had  feelings. 
I  had  belen  lying  so  long  that  it  came  quite  natural 
for  me  to  speak  untruths.  But  when  I  thought  of 
his  sister  just  married  and  the  gloom  this  would 
caiLse  her,  I  resolved  to  be  true  for  once  to  my 
calling.  I  would  be  a  merciful  quack  and  spare 
her. 

Six  months  later  he  fell  asleep  .nnd  I  got  the 
blame  for  it.  But  why  should  I  care.  I  was  a 
quack.  A  pretender  to  medical  skill  that  I  did 
not  possess- 


XVI 

News  ot  the  mistake!  I  had  made  spread  fast. 
It  was  suprising  how  quickly  it  traveled.  In  less 
than  a  fortnight  the  whole  town  had  heard  of  it. 
i  was  abused  and  condemned.  Former  friends 
who  had  given  me  the  glad  hand,  avoided  me.  For 
a  while  it  looked  as  though  I  had  met  my  Waterloo. 
Patients  dropped  off  and  it  seemed  as  though  Ral- 
ston and  myself  would  soon  be  reduced  to  our 
old  level.  Both  of  us  were  nearly  frantic  with  fear. 
Neither  of  us  knew  just  what  to  do  to  reooveir 
our  former  standing.  And  it  incensed  me  beyond 
the  power  of  words  to  tell  when  I  thought  1  had 
brought  all  this  trouble  on  myself  because  I  had 
pity  and  goodnesse  of  heart.  I  discovered  when 
it  was  too  late  that  to  play  the  role  of  quack  one 
had  to  be  heartless.  It  would  never  do  to  be 
merciful-  Compassion  led  swiftly  to  one's  un- 
doing. "'" 

We  now  began  to  think  of  a  new  way  of  de- 
ceiving a  gullible  public.  Our  minds  naturally 
drifted  to  Mrs.  Grayson,  the  kindly  woman  wlio 
Uveld  out  on  Lake  View  Terrace  and  who  had  given 
us  a  boost  and  start.  No  matter  what  people 
might  say  we  could  count  on  her  being  steadfast 
and  loyal.  We  would  have  to  einlist  her  services. 
She  would  rally  to  our  defense.  We  would  tell 
her  of  thqf  wonderful  o|)eration  we  had  done  on 
her  and  once  more  we  would  climb  the  ladder  of 
success  and  bask  in  the  sunshine  of  popular  favor. 

It  seemed  a  pleasant  and  easy  avenue  of  escape 
firom  all  the  obloquy  that  had  been  heaped  on  us. 
We  both  felt  it  was  our  only  way  out  of  dificulty, 
so  we  decided  to  call  upon  her.  We  belieived  that 
she  would  be  delighted  to  see  us-  But  when  we 
thouight  of  what  we\  had  to  tell  her  our  courage 
failed  us.     What  a  disappointment    it  would    be 

66 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  67 

lo  her!  Besides  she  had  already  done  so  much 
for  us  we  had  no  right  to  expect  her  to  do  anything 
mora,  it  was  possible  too  she  had  placed  credence 
in  the  rumors  afloat.  When  we  thought  of  that 
despair  came  over  us.  Our  financial  condition  was 
deplorable.  We  had  lived  extravagantly,  travelled 
over  the  primrose  path  at  night,  squandered  our 
money  recivles;sejy.  \\'e  had  been  improvident  to  an 
extreme,  giving  little  or  no  thought  to  the  future 
and  the  possibility  of  want.  Money  had  come  to  ils 
easily  and  it  passed  as  readily  from  us.  Now  we 
saw  our  folly.  And  we  both  swore  that  if  we  re- 
covered our  lost  prestige  and  got  on  our  feet  once 
more  we  would  be  more  careful.  Ralston  who  was 
.somewhat  superstitious  attributed  our  tribulations 
to  a  just  Providence  that  r</wards  the  good  and 
punishes  tiie  wicked.  But  I  could  not  see  it  that  Avay. 
To  my  way  of  thinking  it  was  the  natural  se- 
qjuence  and  logical  outcome  of  our  own  reckless- 
ness. It  was  yn  expeiicnce  that  had  come  to  ub 
rich  in  many  lessons.  Perhaps  if  we  hadn't  re- 
ceived a  teani)orary  cheek  and  setback  our  methods 
of  quackery  might  have  gottetn  us  into  serious  en- 
tanglements with  the  local  police.  What  we  feared 
most  was  the  Board  of  Medical  Examiners.  That 
august  body  had  their  eyes  on  us.  They  were  watch- 
ing us  from  a  close  angle.  In  their  employ  were 
dectectivcB  who  traveled  about  in  the  guise  of 
patients.  They  had  laid  their  traps  for  us  but 
somehow  Ralston  and  I  managed  to  escape.  We 
both  seemed  to  possiess  the  happy  faculty  of  know- 
ing when  human  bloodhounds  were  on  our  trail. 
And  as  soon  as  we  discovered  we  were  being  pur- 
sued we  beat  a  hasty  retreat  and  lay  low.  We 
could  truthfully  say  that  no  blood  was  on  our  hands. 
What  we  had  done  was  mostly  within  the  law. 
We  had  never  gone  further  in  rascality  than  de- 
manding exorbitant  fees,  and  tricking  people  into 
believing   that  we  were  wonderfully  clever. 


XVII 

The  next  moruing  I  mci  liabitou  just  as  he 
was  coming  out  of  his  house.  Wic  lu.(i  a  borief 
coniertiice  as  to  what  was  best  to  uu.  We  were 
both  of  the  same  opinion.  In  Mrs.  iiraysuu  was 
the  hope  of  us  becoming  once  Kioie  successiui 
chariataiiis.  She  was  the  first  patient  we  had  ever 
Uectaved.  She  had  been  an  "easy  mark".  She 
iicki  allowed  herself  to  be  hoodwinked  so  easily 
that  Kalston  and  I  laughtd  when  we  thought  of  it. 
Yet  she  was  a  woman  of  intelligence  aiia  iiianagcd 
with  consumate  skill  the  vast  estate  her  husband 
had  left  her.  It  looked  as  thomgh  Ralston  and  I 
exerted  hypnotic  power  over  her.  She  accepted 
all  we  said  as  absolute  truth-  Seemingly  it  never 
occured  to  her  to  question  our  bragging  and  boast- 
ing. When  we'  had  pronounced  the  simple  papiioma 
that  occupied  a  consiJiciuus  jtiaec  ■  u  iicr  neck  and 
caused  her  no  end  of  embarrassment  and  untold  wor- 
ry a  malignant  growth,  and  used  tiie  word  "cancer" 
in  describing  it,  it  had  never  occurred  to  her  to 
consult  another  praelitioncr  to  vei-ii'y  our  dia- 
gnosis. With  the  faith  and  onfiddice  of  a  child 
she  bowed  her  head  submi^;.sivcly  to  our  superior 
knowledge  and  submitted  to  the  knife.  Yet  this 
insignificant  wart  she  might  have  removed  her- 
self with  the  aid  of  a  ten  cent  caustic  pencil.  It 
is  little  wonder  that  we  looked  to  hei-  as  being 
our  saving  angel. 

i'\uancial  embarrassment  maiJc  us  Lelive  that 
walking  was  an  ideal  exercise-  So  with  an  easy 
slri(ie  and  anxious  heart  we  'hiked"  on  to  Lake 
View  Tdrraee.  Mrs.  Grayson  received  us  cordially. 
Apparently  she  was  overjoyed  with  our  coming. 
Of  course  she  was  suprls^d  and  disappointed  to 
hoar  tliat    we  were  not  doii,'^    well.  Slie    svvimatli- 

68 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  69 

ized  with  us-  She  warned  us  not  to  let  rebuff 
discoujjwge  ns,  and  then  she  gave  us  a  wonderful 
promise  that  raised  the  worry  from  our  hearts 
and  broug'ht  us  new  hope  and  enthusiasm. 

Since  we  had  been  so  successful  in  curin?  her, 
why  didn't  we  specialize  on  cancer?  The*  sug- 
gestion seemed  a  gtood  one.  It  struck  both  Ralston 
and  myself  as  being  so.  The  field  was  interesting 
with  possibilities  for  research  work  and  original 
discovery  that  no  other  branch  of  medicine  afford- 
ed. We  might  find  a  cure  that  would  bring  us 
undying  fame  and  unlimited  wealth.  As  Mrs* 
Grayson  outlined  the  plan  by  which  she  hoped  to  re- 
plenish our  finances  and  give)  us  greater  prestige 
than  heretofore  we  enjoyed,  I  kept  my  eyes  on 
Ralstion.  In  all  mjy  life  I  have  never  seen  so  many 
different  emotions  pass  over  anyone's  face  at  one 
time.  He  was  certainly  worth  studying.  From 
a  psychological  standpoint  he  was  extremely  in- 
teresting. 

"Gentlemen,  follow  my  advice  and  ^give  up 
general  practice-  It  is  too  hard.  Specialize.  This 
ds  the  age  of  speciality.  Takel  up  the  treatment 
and  cure  of  cance'r,  I  myself  am  a  living*  t.esti- 
monial  of  your  wonderful  skill.  "What  you  have 
done  for  me  you  can  do  for  others.  But  vou  miLSt 
have  a  chance.  You  haven't  had  an  opportunity 
or  loiiGT  before  now  you  would  have  been  rich  and 
famous.  I'm  getting  old  and  I  fctel  as  though  I'd 
like  to  do  a  littlei  good  in  this  world.  So  I'm  ?o- 
ing  to  set  both  of  you  up  in  business.  I'm  going 
to  open  a  sanitarium  for  you  where  all  the  patients 
in  the  country  who  have  cancer  may  come  and  get 
cured." 

She  paused  and  looked  first  at  Ralston  and  then 
at  me. 

"What  a  ipity  some  one  didn't  take  two  clever 
men  like  you  in  hand  years  ago?" 

This     was    almost    more    than   we   could    stand- 


70  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

It  was  difficult  for  us  to  keep  fpom  laughing  out- 
right. 

"But  I've  always  siaid  you  can't  keep  real 
ability  down.  There's  an  old  saying  that  every 
do.g|  has  his  day,  and  I'm  going  to  see  that  you 
have  youife." 

"Mrs.  Grayson  we;  don't  deserve  it-  Beside 
the  opening  of  a  sanitarium  would  cost  consider- 
able money,"  I  said  wishing  to  have  her  believe 
I   was  overwhelmed    with  her  benevolence. 

"Wliat  do  I  care  what  it  costs?  I  have  plenty  o(f 
money.  I  might  as  well  spend  some  of  it  in  doing 
a  little  good." 

"You  are  too  kind.  We  can  never  repay  you 
for  .all  you  have  done." 

"I  have  simply  obeyed  my  better  instincts.  I 
am  happy  for  having  don^e  so." 

Mrs.  Grayson  described  in  detail  the  "Cancer 
Home"  she  proposed  to  build.  It  was  to  be  a 
magnificent  structure  outclassing  anything  of  the 
kind  that  had  ev«r  been  thought  of.  Ralston  and 
I  were  to  live  there.  We  were  to  take  ne  outside 
patients.  Our  efforts  were  to  be  confined  to  our 
speciality.  And  anything  we  would  need  in  the 
way  of  equipment  or  apparatus  Mrs.  Grayson's 
purse  would  supply. 

Our  star  af    prosperity    had    once   more   risen. 
Visions    of    wealth    and    popular    esteem    flitted 
across    our  melntal    horizon.     All    our  worry  had 
fled.     As    far  as  we    were  concerned,    debts  and 
debtors    had    no    existance  for  us.     Enemies  were 
vanquished.    Detractors  were  silenced.    The  reputa- 
tion we  had  acquired  through  nobody's  fault  save 
our  own,  we  would  live  down.    This  time  a  real  op- 
portunity to  become  proficient  presented  itself.  We 
had  played  the   criime  of  quack  and  lost.     Now  wo 
Avould  be    ethical.      We    would    recover  the    good 
n.nme  we  had  thrown  away.     We  would  (gather  to- 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  71 

gether  the  broken  fragments  of  a  conscience  that 
had  long  guided  us  over  the  straight  and  narrow 
path. 


XVIIl 

There's  a  sayiug  that  it  is  hard  to  teach  an  old 
dog  new  triclcs.  Ralston  and  1  lound  out  this  was 
a  truism..  We  had  scarcely  left  Mrs.  Grayson's 
than  the  force  of  fixed  habits  began  to  assert 
itst/lf.  We  discoA'ered  it  is  easy  to  make  resolu- 
tions.: quite  another  thing  to  keep  them.  Our  ideals 
were  rather  short  lived.  Into  our  consciousness 
had  come  thoughts  and  plans  by  which  we  might 
"fleece"  unsuspecting  women  and  men.  "Once  a 
quack,  always  a  qiuack",  can  bei  laid  down  as  an 
axiomatic  truth.  We  were  beyond  conversion.  Hard- 
ened sinners  are  not  readily  fljrought  into  the  fold. 
We  had  been  so  long  at  the  game  of  fraud  and 
deception  that  it  now  became  second  nature.  We 
couldn't  do  diffeirently  if  we  tried.  iSo  we  both 
gave  up  in  despair. 

"Honestly,  I  feel  ashamed  to  take  a  penny  from 
that  good  woman,"  I  said  when  we  were  outside. 

"You  didn't  think  that  way  when  you  charged 
her  five  hundred  dollars  to  remove  a  harmless  wart 
fi-oni  her  neck,"  replied  Ralston. 

"But  I  was  a  quiack  tJien.  I  wasn't  supposed  to 
liavd  any  feelings". 

"You  and  I  will  always  be  quacks.  We  couldn't 
be  anything  else  if  wp  tried." 

"What's  the  use  of  us  specializing  in  cancer 
I  hen?" 

"What's  the  use?  Therei's  big  money  in  it. 
That's  what   we  want." 

"We've  been  after  it  ({uite  a  while  and  have 
little   enough  to  show." 

"That's  our  OAvn  fault.  We  played  the  game 
wrong." 

"Tt  is  time  we  played  in  I'ight.  From  now  on  I 
intend  to  do  the  proper  thing.  I'm  going  to  bei  on 
the  square.    Nothing  crooked  goes  with  nie. " 

72 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  73 

Ralston  was  watchiixg'  ine  closely,  a  erin  on  his 
face.  He  was  disgusted  with  the  cant  I  w^as  speak- 
ing. He  knew  I  didn't  mean  a  word  I  said.  He 
had  been  as  close  to  me  as  it  is  possible  for  one  hu- 
man being  to  another.  He  knetw  my  weakness  and 
my  good  points  as  well.  He  was  aware  that  I  was 
fickle  and  vacillating  when  the  question  was  one 
of  selecting  the  good.  But  I  belived  if  T  had  not 
taken  the  down  hill  grade  I  would  still  be  upright. 
And  I  knew  he  thought  that  I  and  he  as  well  wene 
headed  for  perdition. 

Mrs.  Grayson's  "Cancer  Home"  instead  of  re- 
forming us  would  lead  us  further  into  the  mire, 
than  all  the  cases  we  had  treated  while  in  general 
practice.  There  we  could  carry  on  the  nefarious 
business  of  fooling  people  and  robbing  them  ats 
well  and  no  one  would  bei  the  wiser.  The  kind 
hearted,  well  meaning  woman  had  unwittingly  pla- 
ced temptation  in  our  way,  and  as  both  of  ir-^  were 
misarably  weak,  it  was  a  certainty  we  would  fall. 

"When  I  thought  of  all  this  I  was  inclined  to  go 
b;ick  and  tell  heir  to  consider  Avell  what  she  w'aJB 
about  to  do.  The  venture  might  pi'ove  a  failure^. 
There  were  many  reasons  why  it  Avonld,  and  chief 
and  foremost  among  them  was  the  fact  that  Ral- 
ston and  I  were  qiuacks.  We  werci  charlatans  by 
nature  and  choice.  We  coudn't  be  anything  else 
if  we  tried. 

But  Ralston  only  laughed  when  T  told  him  my 
seriiples.  He  said  I  Avould  get  over  them.  The 
ample  fees  we  would  soon  be  eerning  would  e«fface 
our  sense  of  right.  I'm  Borry  to  say  his  ^vords 
proved  prophetic.  When  T  sit  'lown  and  think  over 
what  I  have  done,  T  can't  understand  how  I,  who 
was  so  well  trained  in  ethics,  =;hould  lose  every 
vestiigel  of  honor.  It  didn't  take  me  long  to  shake 
off  principle  and  depart  from  truth.  It  is  surpris- 
ing how  quickly  a  man  reaches  the  bottom  once  he 


74  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

starts  down  the  grade.    And  it  rarely  happens  that 
he  climbs  up  the  hill  a<giain. 

But  I  can  offer  an  apology  for  the  wrong  I  have 
done.  All  men  do.  It  is  human  to  seek  justification 
and  any  unprejudiced  and  unbiased  mind,  look- 
ing over  the  arena  of  life,  will  detect  flaws  or 
defects  that  explain  the  dishonesty  of  the  world. 
Many  doctors  livie  off  the  ignorance  of  peo- 
ple and  thrive  on  their  vices.  To  follow  the  heal- 
ing art  in  a  legitimate  way  is  to  be  true  to  its  ideals. 
Nefver  to  waver,  to  turn  aside  from  the  path  of 
duty,  to  be  conscientious  under  any  and  all  circum- 
stances is  hard  indeed  and  quite  b^eyond  the  aver- 
age* man  or  woman's  ability  to  adhere.  And  this 
explains  why  Ralston   and  I   were  quiacks. 


XIX 

Ralston  and  I  parted  with  visions  of  a  glorious  fu- 
ture  before   us.     Our  past   was  checkered.     There 
was  no  question  about  that,     Th©  career   that   lay 
behind   us   would   not   make   nice     reading.      It   a- 
bounded    in    acts    of   dishonesty,     selfishness    and 
cruelty.    We  had  good   cause  to  be   ashamed  of  it 
and  to  keep  it  hidden  away.    So  the  best  thing  we 
could  do   was  to   try   and  forget.     But  t)oth  off  us 
knew  this  wouldn't  be,  easy.    We  were  familiar  with 
the  working  of  the  mind.    We  knew  the  laws  that 
regulated  and  curtailed  it  and  guided  and  directed 
it  over  that  vast  field  and  range  of  thought  where 
were  exercised   its  strange   and  mysterious  actions. 
Better    still  we  were  acquainted  with  the    human 
heart.     We  were  conscious  of  the  wonderful  power 
of  love  and  the  far  reaching  influence  for  good  it 
exerted  over  women  and  men.    The  life  of  a  quack 
had  taught  us  much.    It  had  brought  us  knowledge 
that  should  have  made  us  ashamed    of    ourselves. 
And  as  I  sat  down  in  my  office  and  thought  of  all 
this,  the  elation  I  had  so  shortly  felt  fled.  My  buoy- 
ancy left  me  and   I   suddenly  found  myself  infini- 
tely wretched.    The)  old  despairing  mood  that  had 
filled  my  days  with    unrest  and  my    nights   with 
dread  wais  on  me.     In  vain  I  tried  to  shake  it  off. 
It  was  no  use.     It  had  come  to  stay.    T  would  have 
to  suffer.    It  was  the  good  in  me  struggling  for  su- 
(premacy.     The  remnant  of  the    real   man   in    the 
throes  of  extinction  gradually  by  a  slow  process  of 
deterioi'ation  undergoing  annihilation.     I  had  exper- 
ienced    many    times     before.      And     eiach     attack 
I  seemed  a  kinder,  better  man.    My  whole  life  pass- 
ed before  me.    Youth  with  all  itis  hopes  and  dre;ams, 
ideals   and  ambition,  disappointed  middle  age   with 
blasted   hopes  and  eheri«hed   desireis   shattered   and 
scattered  beyond  anv  possibilitv  of  realization. 
■        75 


76  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

Weary  and  disgruntled  I  went  to  bed.  Soon  I 
fell  asleiep,  but  my  sleep  was  fitful  and  disturbed. 
I  awakened  with  a  start.  My  telephone  was  ring- 
ging.  I  jumped  out  of  bed  and  looked  at  the  clock. 
It  was  half  past  two.  I  was  wanted  at  ' '  The  Ori- 
ental", a  rooming  house.  I  hesitated  about  going. 
I  had  no  patients  there.  But  the  man  at  the  other 
end  of  the  line  pleladed  that  I  come.  He  promised 
me  fifteen  dollars  if  I  would  go.  Mon^y  was  the 
bait  he  threw  out  and  as  I  was  a.  quack  I  bit  at  it. 
When  I  arrived  at  the  place  to  which  I  had  been 
cialled,  I  was  escorted  to  the  room  where  I  would 
find  a  sick  woman.  But  no  lady  ever  occupied  it. 
Instead  a  red  headed  fellow  soundly  asleep.  When 
awakened  he,  stoutly  denied  havimg  sent  for  me.  So 
I  saw  someone  was  playing  tricks  on  me.  It  might 
be  fun  for  them.  No  doubt  they  thought  it  a  good 
joke,  but  it  didn't  appeial  to  me  as  being  humorous 
at  all.  The  proper  place  for  me  and  everyone  else 
at  that  hour  in  the  morning  was  in  bed.  And  a/ft«r 
that  I  saw  that  it  was. 


XX 

The  next  day,  wh^n  I  related  the  incident  to 
Ralston,  he  laughed  heartly. 

"Better  accuse  met  ofi  doing  it",  he   said. 

"Don't  worry.  Won't  be  bothered  that  way 
when  you  make  Mrs.  Grayson's  "Cancer  Home" 
your   residienoe. 

"Do  you  think  the  home  is  a  realty  or  a  dre<amt" 
I  asked. 

"It's  the  most  real  thimg  that  ever  was.  That 
woman  has  money  and  she's  an  enthusiast.  She's 
so  set  on  going  into  this  venture  that  we  could 
not  dissuade  her  if  we  tried." 

"I'm  not  going  to  try." 

"It  looks  a  good  thing  for  both  of  us." 

"It's  the  most  fortunate  thing  that  could  ever 
happen. ' ' 

"That's  what  I  said  when  Mre.  Grayson  told  us 
her  plan." 

"  If  we  only  make  igood  and  curci  the  patients. ' ' 

Ralston,  for  once,,  we  must.  We  axe  to  quit  fak- 
ing. This  time  we  are  to  be  on  the  level  and  square. 
We  owe  it  to  Mrs.  Grayson.  Besides  I'm  sick  and 
tircid  of  fooling  people.  There's  no  satisfaction  in 
playing  the  gamei  that  way.  We  are  to  reform. 
We've  done  enough  mischief  as  it  is." 

"You  said  that  before  and  did  not  keep  your 
word." 

"I  know.  But  this  time  you  shall  see.  Let's  say 
no  more  about  it." 

"Very  well." 

"If  you  have  no  appointments  or  pres.sing  einga- 
gements,  I  want  you  to  go  with  me  to  a  case." 

"I  have  nothing  at  all  on  hand,  so  I  am  free." 

The  case  I  had  on  hand  was  a  mental  one.  The 
previous  evening  a   lady  phoned  to   me  asking  me 

77 


78  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

to  come  and  see  her  father.  He  was  very  wealthy 
and  imajgiined  he  was  poor.  Here  was  tiie  chance 
lialston  and  myseJi  had  long  wis'hed  for.  This 
would  be  an  opportunity  to  replenish  our  deplet- 
ed finances.  A  little  clever  lying  on  our  part  would. 
convince  him  of  the  wisdom  of  parting  with  some 
of  his  gold.  And  our  ability  as  quacks  would  be 
proven  in  the  success  we  had  in  persuading  him  he 
was  ill  and  in  need  of  our  skillful  treatment.  When 
I  think  of  how  we  fleteced  this  dear  old  man,  I  feel 
as  though  I  should  blush  with  shame.  But  blush- 
ing doesn't  come  easy  to  one  hardened  as  I  was.  And 
while  Ralston  and  I  bled  ihim  unmercifully  we  at- 
tended regularly  his  church  and  testified  at  prayer 
meetings  what  the  Lord  had  done  for  us.  If  ever  a 
pair  of  conscientious  crooks  lived,  Ralston  and  I 
were. 

' '  Our  patient  has  rats  in  the  garret  and  we  must 
se*e  that  he  keeps  them  there.  We  are  to  make  a 
big  bluff  that  we  are  driving  them  out  and  we  are 
to  see  that  we  are  well  paid  for  our  services.  The 
money  is  the  thing  we  are  after  and  we  usually 
get  it." 

Ralston  laughed,  but  he  made  no  comment  on 
what  I  said.  It  was  evident  it  had.  struck  him  as 
being  ludicrous   and  true. 

' '  But  it  won 't  do  to  go  about  it  in  a  haphazzard 
fashion.  We  learned  that  from  experience.  We've 
got  to  be  careful  what  we  say  and  do.  The  first 
thing  we  have  to  do  is  to  win  the  confidence  of  his 
daughter.  This  accomplished  it  will  be  an  easy 
thing  to  handle  her  father." 

"How  much  is  he  worth?"  asked  Ralston  now 
thoroughly  interested. 

"Somci  say  nearly  a  million.  But  I  think  that  is 
a  gross  exaggeration.  There  is  no  doubt  that  he  is 
comfortable  and  that  we  will  receive  a  handsome 
fee." 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  79 

**We  were  bom  under  a  lucky  star,"  said  Kal- 
ston. 

"I'm  beiginning  to  think  that  myself. 
.  "What  it"  we  ^are  found  out?    We've  had  enough 
notoriety  as  it  is." 

"We  have  Mrs.  Grayson  as  usual  to  fall  back  on. 
There 's  the  ' '  Cancer  Home ' '  in  which  we  may  take 
refuge. ' ' 

"Has  it  never  occurred  to  you  that  that  good  wo- 
man like  the  rest  of  thei  cominunity  may  discover 
that  we  are  a  pair  of  quacks  ? ' '  asked  Ralston  quite 
earnestly. 

' '  I  have  thought  of  it  very  of tepn. ' ' 

' '  If  she  'Cfver  finds  out  the  kind  of  gdnks  we  are, 
we'd  better  take  to  the  woods.  Believe  me,  if  she 
ever  discovers  we've  been  fooling  her  we'll  make 
a  lively  get  away." 

"But  she  won't.  She'll  never  mistrust  us.  Say 
hOTe's  the  place." 

"Some  home  all  right,"  observed  Ralston  look- 
ing thei  house  over. 

I  opened  thei  gate  and  assuming  a  dignified,  pro- 
fessional air  marched  boldly  up  the  steps.. 

A  servant  let  us  in  and  .escorted  us  to  the  sittinig 
room.  We  were  told  we  would  not  have  to  wait 
long,  as  Miss  Rawlins  expected  us.  Ralston  and  1 
had  a  whispeired  conference  as  to  what  thie  best 
meithod  of  procedure  the  moment  she  came  in,  and 
both  aigjreed  that  an  innocent  manner  and  a  sancti- 
monious air  were  most  becoming.  Miss  Rawlins 
was  an  enthusiastic  church  membeT  and  if  w^e  were 
to  play  our  cards  well  we  must  pose  as  Christian 
Gentlemen.  It  would  be  easy  for  us  to  do  that  as 
we  possessed  the  faculty  of  readily  adapting  our- 
selves to  different  environments.  We  had  acted 
th<e  role  of  hypocrite  so  long  that  we  were  quite 
proficient  at  it. 

Presently  the  door  opened  and  Miss  Rawlins  en- 
tered.    She  was  stylishly    dressed  and    looked  the 


80  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

picture  of  health  and  beauty  as  she  sat  down.    She 
was  quite  at  t^ase  and  spoke  affably  to  U£>. 

' '  My  father  as  resting  on  the  sofa  upciiaii's,  so  we 
can  have  a  private  talk  about  his  condition  down 
here.  1  think  1  told  you  most  of  the  facis  over  the 
telephone.  Perhaps  1  ilorigiot  some  deitaiis  i  can  now 
supply.  But  first  of  ail,  tell  me  if  you  can  cure 
my  father." 

"Sure,  we  •oan,"  replied  Ralston  and  I.  It  was 
easy  and  natural  for  us  to  lie.  We*  had  been  at  it 
so  long  it  had  become  second  nature. 

' '  I  heard  you  we»re  wonderful  Doctors, ' '  she  said. 

To  my  humili^ion  Ralston  laughed  and  I  gave 
him  a  sharp  kick  in  the   chins. 

"\f  ti've  effected  some  remarkable  cures.  I  dare 
say  w©  will  iind  your  father's  case  no  different 
from  the  rebt,  although  the  nature  of  tiiis  malady 
presupposes  a  long  treatment."  I  said  this  with 
thoughts  of  the  aniiple  fees  we  were  about  to  txtort 
from  him  passing  throuigih  my  mind. 

'■]  don't  care  how  long  it  takes  or  what  it  costs 
so  long  as  my  father  is  cured." 

' '  That 's  a  sensible  way  to  look  at  it.  A  doctor, 
]io  matter  how  clever  he  may  be,  cannot  cure  you 
in  a  day.  It  takes  time,  The  trouble  with  many 
people  is  they  haven't  the  patience.  They  want  to 
get  well  right  away.  After  years  of  abuse  they 
expect  us  to  build  them  all  over  again  in  a  day. ' ' 

''You  won't  find  my  fathejr  that  kind  of  a  man, 
even  though  his  mind  is  a  little  wrong.  He's  will- 
ing to  givei  everything  a  fair  trial.  But  when  h&'s 
given  a  thing  a  test  and  there  are  no  results,  then 
look  out.  He's  not  particular  about  the  kind  of 
language  he  uses  and  doesn't  care  very  much  what 
he  does." 

Cold  shivers  run  up  and  down  my  spine.  There 
was  no  enemy  as  Ibad  as  a  demented  one.  His  capaci- 


CIONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  81 

ty  to  do  wrong  was  always  unlimited  and  his  desire 
for  vengeance  was  intense. 

' '  I  know  your  father  will  be  hugely  pleased  with 
what  we  do  for  him.  If  we  thought  we  couldn't 
help  him  we  would  never  have  takepa  this  case." 

"I'm  sure  you  woudn't." 

"It  may  take  some  little  time  to  win  his  confi- 
dence], but  that  once  secured  it  will  all  be  easy  sail- 
ing for  us." 

"How  glad  I  am  to  hear  you  say  that!  I've  tri- 
ed so  many  practitioners  with  such  poor  results 
I  was  in  igreat  despair.  It  was  fortunate  I  heard 
of  you." 

"And  it  gives  us  great  satisfaction  to  know  you 
have  faith  in  us." 

"Anyone    would  have)  faith  in    you." 

Again  Ralston  laughed  and  once  more  I  reward- 
ed him  with  a  kick  in  the  shins,  a  little  stronger 
than  before. 

"But  we  are  wasting  time  discussing  matters 
that  have  no  bearing  on  my  father",  said  Miss  Raw- 
lins, rising.  "Just  a  momeint  and  I  will  bring  my 
father  in." 

When  she  was  gone  I  turned  angrily  on  Ralston. 

' '  Have  you  no  sense  ? "  I  asked. 

"Have  you  no  honor?"  he  retorted. 

"I  can  see  nothing  comic  in  being  betrayed." 

"Who's  betrayed   you?"   he  demanded. 

"It  looks  as  though  you  weire  set  on  doing  so. 
This  is  the)  chance  of  our  life  and  it  appears  that 
you  don't  appreciate  it." 

Miss  Rawlins  returne*d  leading  her  father  by 
the  hand. 

"Father,  here  are  the  doctors!"  she  exclaimed. 
"The  doctors!     Where?"    he    said,  passing    his 
hand   across  his  brow.     Hei  had   the  wild    stare  of 
the  'paranoic  and   moved  as   though  it  post  him    a 
great  effort. 

"Mr.  Rawlins,  we  are",  here  to  cure  you,"  T  said. 


82  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

"Cure  me!    I'm  all  right." 

"Aiid  we  are  goin;gi  to  do  it  in  double  quick 
time. ' ' 

"I  have  no  money  to  pay  you." 

"He  thinks  he  is  poor.  That's  his  main  delu- 
sion," explained  his  daughter. 

"No  hallucinations  of  grandeur.  Plainly  not  a 
case  of  paresis.    He  can  be  cured  eiasily." 

"If  I  could  only  believe  it  vrere  true!" 

"You'll  see  how  true  it  is  if  you'll  give  us  a 
chance  to  cure  him." 

"I  want  you  to  begin  treatment  at  once  .  I  sup- 
pose your  fees  will  be  rather  high." 

'  *  Somewhat.  We  are  very  busy.  Our  sorvic  ;s 
are  in  dCmand  everywhere.  We'll  have  to  refuse 
many  other  desirable  cases  to  attend  your  father. 
But  our  fees  will  be  nominal.  We  don't  believe  in 
hieing  exorbitant.  We'll  take  your  father's  case 
and  guarantee  to  cure  him  for  a  thousand  dollars." 

"Your  terms  are  agreeable  to  me,  but,  of  course, 
they  won't  be  to  my  father,  as  he  insists  he's  poor," 
said  Miss  Rawlins.  She  rosei  and  wallced  to  the 
do«k.     Sitting  down  she  wrote  out  the  check. 

"Another  victim  of  our  damnable  deceit,"  ex- 
claimed Ralston  when  we  reached  the  street. 


XXI  \ 

As  Ralston  and  I  walked  away  from  the  house 
where  we  had  vicitimized  a  creildulous,,  unsuspect- 
ing woman,  we  felt  ashamed.  W©  were  not  so 
hardened  that  now  and  then  the  softer,  finer  emo- 
tions did  not  assert  themselves  and  proclaim  their 
right  to  rnlci.  In  common  with  all  men  who  lived 
off  the  feair  and  ignorance  of  theiir  fellows,  there 
were  moments  when  shame  and  remorse  were  un- 
pleasant companions.  And  the  money  we  obtain- 
ed, instead  of  giving  us,  as  wei  foolishly  supposed 
it  would,  peace  and  a  sense  oif  security,  broutght  U3 
nothing  but  unrest.  "We  had  already  been  exposed. 
We  had  lost  our  prestige.  Most  of  our  patients  had 
drifted  away  from  us,  and  in  the  midst  of  all  this 
perpletsity  we  had  gone  and  committed  our  old 
crime  over  again  and  exposed  ourselves  to  further 
tribulation.  It  looked  as  though  we  were  making  a 
desperate  effort  to  brinig  speeidy  ruin  on  ourselves. 

What  would  Mirs.  Grayson  say  if  she  knew  our 
rascality?  And  Ave  lived  in  the  constant  fear  that 
she  would  find  it  out.  What  would  she  do  if  she* 
discovered  the  sort  of  game  we  were  playing?  It's 
safe  to  say  she  wouldn't  open  a  Caneor  Home  and 
place  us  in  charge.  When  T  thought  of  it  I  conclud- 
ed we  had  gone  far  enough.  It  is  time  we  halted. 
We  would  turn  the  trick  once  too  often.  An  angry 
victim    would    seek    reltributiooi.. 

Arriving  at  my  home  I  bid  Ralston  good-bye 
promising  to  keep  in  close  touch  with  him.  On  my 
desk  was  a  note  from  Mrs.  Grayson.  She  had  drop- 
pe'd  in  to  confer  with  me  about  the  home.  She 
had  rented  the  Goddard  house,  a  magnificent  place 
in  an  aristoeratic  section  of  the  city.  I  knew  the 
location  quite  well.  It  was  ideal.  Thp  snrround- 
iners,  the  setting,  everythinsr  associated  with  the 
old.  unoccupied  m/ansion  appealed  to  me  and  pleas- 
ed me  erreatly.  And  I  knew  Ralston  would  feel 
equally  as  elated  when  told  of  our  good  fortune. 

83 


84  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

As  I  sat  down  and  thought  of  what  the  good  wo- 
man was  doing  for  us  and  how  little  we  deserved 
from  her  or  anyonti  else,  »great  remorse  came  over 
me.  If  the  two  of  us  had  our  just  deserts,  we 
wouldn't  be  going  around  foolinigi  people  and  ex- 
torting money  from  them.  We'd  be  doing  time 
like  other  crooks  and  criminals.  W^  had  been 
lucky  to  escape  detection  and  capture.  That  was 
because  wie  kept  within  the  law  and  confined  our 
efforts  to  money  getting.  Pondering  on  this  made 
me<  resolve  to  once  more  be  straight.  It  was  never 
too  late  to  mend.  We  had  not  gone  so  far  in  wrong 
doing  that  we  could  not  reform.  Here  was  our 
chance,  the  opportunity  that  comes  to  everyone*  to 
take  the  right  road.  The  Cancer  Homc(  would 
eihelter  us  from  the  storm  of  public  wrath  and  in- 
dignation so  soon  to  break.  There  in  peace  and  se- 
curity wei  could  do  our  work.  Our  mistakes  and 
deliberate,  willful  t>etrayal  of  (faith  would  be  for- 
gotten. We  could  make  amends  for  the  wrong  we 
had  done. 

Ralston  and  I  had  resolved  to  do  this  once  be- 
fore. But  we  found  we  were  miserably  weak  in 
the  presence  of  temptation.  Old  habits  of  dishon- 
esty had  fastened  a  chain  around  us  that  linked  us 
with  wrong  doing.  And  it  sef/med  as  though  there 
was  no  hope  for  us,  no  way  out  of  the  labyrinth  of 
lying  and  stealing  in  which  we  were  lost. 

I  looked  around  my  office  and  thougth  of  the 
long  years  of  bitter  struggle  I  had  with  adverse, 
circumstances.  I  would  gladly  live  those  days  over. 
T  would  go  through  it  all  again,  experience  its 
heartaches  and  disappointements  in  preference  to  the 
unrest  of  soul  I  had  known  since*  T  became  a  quactk. 
But  I  could  not  igo  back.  I  oould  undo  nothing  I 
■had  done.  There  was  one  sensible  thing  for  me  to 
do  and  that  was  to  place  the  past  and  its  mistakes 
behind  mel  It  was  rich  in  lessons.  It  contained  all 
the  warnings  of  a  long  and  varied  experience  with 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  85 

my  fellow  men  in  the  closest  and  most  delicate  re- 
lations of  Life^,  and  if  I  now  went  on  in  the  samie 
old  way,  therei  was  only  one  inference  to  be  dra%vn 
— I  was  a  hopeless  case,  an  absolute  incorrigible. 


XXII 

Ralston  and  I  were  now  installed  in  the  Goddard 
place.  In  haste  we  had  gathered  together  all  our 
belongings  and  with  the'  least  possible  ceremony 
had  dieparted  from  our  rtfepective  hom^s  and  taken 
up  a  permanent  residence  in  new  and  palatial  quar- 
ters. Our  abode  was  exquisite.  We  had  everything 
the  most  fastidious  could  crave.  Mrs.  Grayson  had 
spared  no  moneiy  to  have  the  Hiospital  equipped  in 
the  latest  and  most  splendid  style. 

The  house  was  ideally  constructed  for  such  pur- 
poses. While  the  architecture  was  a  little  obsolete 
everything  had  been  plannefd  with  a  thought  as  to 
convenience.  On  the  first  floor  was  the  receptiou 
hail,  the  office,  waiting  room  and  wards.  Above^ 
the  operating  room,  private  rooms  for  patients,  bill- 
iard and  smoking  rooms  and  library.  All  of  the 
apartments  were  gorgeously  furnished. 

As  Ralston  and  I  walked  from  room  to  room  ex- 
amining in  detail  the  elegiance  of  the  furnishings  a 
consciousness  of  unworthineiss  came  to  us.  What 
right  had  two  unprincipled  quacks  to  all  this?  It 
seemed  as  though  thei  very  walls  and  floors  must 
cry  out  and  condemn  us'. 

We  had  reached  the  turning  point  in  our  career, 
Purthar  travel  over  the  road  would  lead  us  to  a 
precipice.  We  must  turn  back.  There  was  no  al- 
ternativie.  We  would  have  to  retrace  our  steps 
to  where  we  departed  from  accepted  standards  of 
right,  and  cast  aside(  ideals  that  had  been  an  inspi- 
ration and  a  iguide. 

It  was  easy  for  us  to  t'hink  of  doing  all  this, 
but  experience  had  taught  us  it  was  hard — so  very 
difficult  neither  of  us  leven  dared  hope  it  would 
■come  true.    Early  in  our  career  as  quacks  we  had 

86 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  87 

learmjd  that  habits  become  servitudes.  We  had 
been  dishonest  so  long  it  was  utterly  impossible  for 
us  to  be  honest.  But  a  new  environment  with  ev- 
erything associated  with  it  calculated  to  inspire 
ethical  idt<al&  might  break  these  fixed  habits  of 
conduct.  With  that  hope  to  sustain  us  we  had  be- 
gun the  life  of  specialists  and  hospital  surgeons. 
What  a  splendid  opportunity  to  redeem  ourselves! 
What  a  igilorious  chance  to  recover  our  good  name ! 
But  it  seemed  as  though  our  self  respect  was  gone. 
Wig  mistrusted  our^lves.  We  felt  we  were  weak. 
We  knew  we  meant  to  do  what  was  right.  But  so 
many  obstacles  stood  in  our  way!  At  the  very 
start  we  saw  our  journey  over  the  straight  and 
narrow  path  hindred  and  blocked.  Jealous  profes- 
sional rivals  were  watching  us.  Now  that  a  streak 
of  good  luck  had  come  to  us  the^  would  be  more 
than  anxious  to  malign  us.  Some  of  them,  no  doubt, 
would  call  on  us  and  offer  us  the  hand  of  ifriend- 
ship.  Otheirs  wouid  spurn  our  acquaintance  and 
hold  themselves  above  us  in  a  certain  hauighty  aloof- 
ness. We  expected  none  of  them  to  treat  us  courte- 
ously. And  w&  wenei  prepared  for  many  to  be  open- 
ly vindictive  and  courageously  antagonistic.  We 
were  aware  that  it  wouldn  't  be  all  pleasant  sailing. 
Stoirms  would  be  encountered,  perhaps  quiie  e.irly 
too.  So  we  decided  to  prepare  for  trouble  and  de- 
vise the  best  means  of  combating  it. 

Ralston  agreed  with  me  that  the  wisest  and  saf- 
est plan  was  to  do  nothing  wrong.  With  a  clean 
slate  we  had  nothing  to  fear.  Men  might  say  all 
manner  of  'Cvil  of  us,  but  if  their  charges  had  no 
foundations  they  would  not  last.  So  we  both  agreed 
to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  bagin  ane>w.  With 
this  end  in  view  we  bought  many  new  medical 
books — latest  editions  of  standard  authors,  and 
familiarize  ourselves  with  the  use  of  surgical  in- 
struments and  studied  the  techni)q)ue  of  operations. 
We  wer&  earnest  in   the  matter.     We  meant  well, 


88  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

and  both  of  us  predicted  we  could  keep  the  good 
resolutions  we  had  made. 

liut  wie  hadn't  been  in  ouir  new  quarters  very 
long,  when  we  discoveired  that  we  were  beset  with 
many  temptations  wei  didn't  think  existed.  The 
passion  of  avarice  that  Wi&  had  nourished  and  fos- 
tered with  such  care,  we  found  difficult  to  shake. 
We  werei  just  as  thirsty  for  dollars  as  ever  and  not 
a  bit  mor(3  scrupulous  how  we.  (g|ot  them.  Howevqr 
we  soon  learned  that  we  had  to  play  the  game  of 
quacks  in  Mrs.  Grayson's  Cancer  Home  altogether 
diflfierently  from  the  way  we  did  in  years  gone  by^ 
In  the  first  plac«  most  of  the  patients  admitted,  to 
the  place  were  highly  intelligent  and  had  received 
treatment  before  coming  to  us.  Their  trouble  had 
been  correctly  diagnosed.  Hence  we  could  not  fool 
them  into  belietvingi  they  had  complaints  they  didn't. 
Our  chance  of  eSstorting  money  from  them  was  li- 
mited to  charging  exorbitant  fees  and  kJeeping  them 
in  the  hospital  as'  long  as  possible.  This  was  to 
be  sure  a  modified  form  of  thievery,  a  more  digni- 
fied way  of  practicing  deception. 

But  what  did  we  vCaHe  as  lonig  as  we  got  ,tihe 
dollars  ?  Big  and  leasy  money  is  what  we  wanted^ 
and  w-e  got  it.  We  received  it  more  easily  with 
half  the  effort  than  whetn  w&  pursued  our  calling 
in  a  privatel  way  and  with  much  less  strain. 

Mrs.  Grayson  visited  us  almost  daily  and  encour- 
aged and  hielped  us  in  every  conceivable  way.  I 
cannot  imagine  how  any  woman  could  have  done 
more  for  two  strugglingi  doctors.  And  when  I  sit 
down  quietly  by  myself  and  think  of  her  benefi- 
cence and  remember  how  I  deceiveid  her,  my  consci- 
ence troubles  me.  I  wonder  if  she  '11  ever  read  these 
"Conflessions".  If  she  does,  she'll  see  I'm  very 
sorry  for  what  I  have  donei,  and  that  the  commit- 
ting of  them  to  paper  was  a  petnance  imposed  upon 
myself.  It  takes  patience  and  labor  to  write  out  a 
narrative  like  this  and  I  must  say  at  times  it  seem- 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  89 

ed  an  irksome  task.  But  I  felt  when  it  was  finish- 
ed and  the  publislher  gave  it  to  a  re)ading  public, 
if  it  happened  to  fall  into  the<  hands  of  the  good 
woman  who  was  my  protectorees  and  saving  anigiel^ 
it  would  be  the  best  tribute  I  could  oflfer  her  of 
my  gratitude   and  love. 


IIIXX 

Balston  and  I  wei'e  studyin/g  hard.  Since  assum-' 
ing  management  ol  the  "Jdome"  we  were  reading 
early  and  Jate.  Mrs.  Grayson  took  great  pride  in 
the'  library.  As  books  wei'e  her  hobby  sihe  had 
succeeded  in  making  a  wonderful  collection  of 
them.  We  had  at  our  command  the  latest  works 
of  the  greatest  medical  writers.  And  I  can  truth- 
fully say  Ralston  and  I  took  advantage  of  this  op- 
portunity to  amass  much  knowledge.  And  it  Avasn't 
that  we  just  mtimorized  facts.  We  applied,  or  at 
least  tried  to,  what  we  read  in  the  treatment  of  our 
cases.  True  we  were  quacks  when  it  came  to  ask- 
ing and  demanding  money,  but  in  our  treatment 
we  were  careful  and  painstaking.  Both  of  us  had 
become  proficient  in  a  surprisinigly  short  time  in 
all  the  branches  of  medicine.  We  had  acqiuired 
dexterity  and  skill  in  addition  to  possessing  know- 
ledge and  were  bold  and  daring  operators.  It  was 
natural  that  our  success  should  make  us  known 
widely  and  greatly  talked  about.  And  those  who 
recomended  us  were  people  of  wealth  and  influence. 
We  found  ourselves  rich,  famous  and  popular  and 
passing  as  very  upright  and  honorable.  Patients 
told  how  conscientious  we  were  when  neither  of 
us  had  the  slightest  conception  of  the  meaning  of 
that  word.  It  was  said  that  we  posse&god  kindness 
and  goodness  of  heart  whein,  as  a  matter  of  fact, 
we  were  heartless  and  merciless,  having  pity  and 
sympathy  for  no  one.  Our  ruling  passion  was  ava- 
rice. We  were  so  greedy  that  there  was  no  lie  we 
would  not  tell  to  gain  our  ends.  I  shudder  when 
I  think  of  the  change(  that  took  place  in  our  char- 
acter. It  make  me  sick  at  heart  when  I  ponder 
on  it.  And  I  often  wish  I  had  never  met  Mrs.  Gray- 
son and  been  the  recipient  of  her  generosity. 

90 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  91 

Infinitely  better  to  have  been  a  poor,  obscure 
practitioner.  What  does  success  amount  to  if 
bought  at  such  a  price.  With  these  things  in  mind 
i  reanember  one  morning  walking  into  the  "Doctor's 
Koom ' '  and  finding  Raiston  in  one  of  his  * '  moods. ' ' 
This  was  a  frame  of  mind  my  colleague  fell  into 
when  he  became  extremely  pessimistic  and  took  a 
most  gloomy    view    of  lifet 

"Are  you  happy?"  1  asked. 

"Lord,  no!"  he  exclamed. 

"Haven't  you  everything  this  world  can  igive  to 
make  you  soV 

' '  Positively  I  haven 't. ' ' 

"You  have  success." 

"What  of  it?" 

"That  seems  to  be  what  everybody  is  after." 

"It's  littlo  peace  of  mind  success  has  brought 
us." 

"We're  confortable.  There  are  people  worse 
off." 

"V(ery  true.  But  these  people  you  refeo*  to  are 
not  quacks." 

"1  laughed.  Ralston 's  tongue  was  sharp.  He 
always  had  a  come  back. 

*  *  A  man  can  commit  a  greater  crime  that  that  of 
being  a  quack, ' '  I  said  apologetically. 

"There  I  can't  agree  with  you.  The  calling  of 
a  charlatan  is  the  worst  a  human  being  could  se- 
lect. Bear  with  me  a  minute  and  I  will  prove  it. 
In  that  undignified  position  you  take  advantage  of 
the  greateb!-  evils  that  afflict  human  race,  namely 
fear  and  ignorance.  And  you  don't  stop  here.  Yoii 
igo  further.  You  lie  and  lose  all  conception  of  the 
truth.  You  adquire  a  passion  of  avarice  inconceiv- 
able to  the  man  who  leads  an  ethical  life.  True  you 
pile  up  riches.  But  after  you  step  beyond  the 
boundary  line  where  caution  ceaseis  and  reckless- 
ness begins,  you  do  somethimgi  that  you  are  sorry 
for  the  balance  of  your  life. ' ' 


92  CIONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

"Are  you  speaking  from  experience?"   I  asked. 

"1  am.  il  what  wei  have  done  were  known  wo 
wouldn't  be(  hiere  in  this  "Uancer  Home'"  taking 
advantage  of  people  s  credulity  and  teathering  our 
nests,  we'd  be  on  the  rock  pile  in  the  quarry  or  the 
Jute  Mills,  where  w,e  coula  think  it  over.  1  don't 
believe  we'd  be  on  thei  gallows,  because  we  drew 
the  line  at  murder.  But  we  could  give  the  fellow 
who  sells  spurious  oil  and  mining  stocks  a  few 
points  all  right.  They  are  a  bit  tame)  at  the  game. 
But  we,  Lord  save  us,  we  copped  eveay thing  in 
sight— grabbed  everything  we  could  put  our  fingers 
on." 

"There  are  many  others  just  as  bad." 

"Is  this  the  excuse  you  plead?  Is  that  your  jus- 
tification?" 

"Yes." 

* '  It  seems  to  me  a  poor  way  of  dodging  responsi- 
bility. Ever  since  thei  day  I  began  to  quack  I've 
been  haunted  by  feiar.  Until  then  I  was  brave  as 
a  lion,  you  know  I  was.  That's  because  1  had  a 
clear  conscience." 

"A  clear  conscience,  but  many  debts,"  I  interpos- 
ed. 

llalston  smiled.  "Give  me  the  debts  every  time. 
In  those  days  I  could  truthfully  say  I  had  never 
harmed  a  human  being  in  all  my  life.  That 's  more 
than  I  can  say  now.  Whein  I  think  of  what  I  have 
done  I'm  almost  beside  myselifi  with  rage,  and  I 
have  you  to  thank  for  it.  It  was  you  who  first 
came  to  me  and  talked  me  into  it.  Until  then  I 
had  never  done  a  mean  or  underhand  thing.  1 
would  have  spurned  the  calling  of  medical  fakir. 
And  here  you  came  along  and  lead  me  into  some- 
thing that  is  ajgiainst  my  grain  and  principle.  Aren't 
you  ashamed  w^hen  you  think  of  it?" 

"I  don't  feel  a  particle  of  remorse  and  have  no 
regrets. '  * 

This  was  more,   than  Ralston    could  stand.      He 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  93 

was  .gettting  real  angry.  He  rose  and  walked  over 
to  the  window  and  looked  out.  For  a  few  minuteB 
lie  stood  still.  Then  he  turned  around  and  glared 
at  me. 

''I  sometimels  think  a  eursei  came  on  me  tho  day 
[  first  met  you,"  he  said  savagely  as  he  turned 
and  walked  out. 


XXIV 

This  outburst  of  Ralston  didn't  worry  me  in  the 
least.  I  had  grown  quite  used  to  it.  It  enhanced 
his  value  in  my  eyes.  He  had  increased  greatly  in 
my  estimation  because  of  it.  It  proved  he  was  a 
fine  man  with  a  consciencei  that  all  my  roguery  had 
never  killed.  Re(gularly  hel  had  these  moods.  When 
he  came  out  of  them  he  seemed  none  the  worse 
and  was  once  more  the  afifablel  fellow  that  made 
me  selebt  him  as  my  pal  and  confrere  in  the  art  of 
quackeiry. 

Free  from  these  qualms  of  conscience  he  plung- 
ed into  the  affairs  of  the  hospital  with  enthusiasm. 
It  pleased  and  amused  me  to  seei  the  interest  he 
took  in  things.  Nothing  that  happened  in  the 
home  down  to  the  most  trivial  event  escaped  his 
observation.  Really  it  was  truly  wonderful  how 
observant  he  was.  And  it  surpriseJd  me  greatly 
when  I  discovered  that  he  was  just  as  familiar  with 
the  details  of  all  that  was  transpiring  when  weigh- 
ty matters  occupied  his  mind  as  when  moments  of 
leisure  caused  him  weariness. 

As  I  sit  here  writinig  this  strange  autobiography 
in  which  he  figures  so  largely  and  playjg  such  an 
important  part,  it  seems  as  though  he  is  right  near 
me  His  presence  is  a  tangible  'reality  although 
years  have  passed  since  we  drifted  apart.  When 
I  think  of  how  true  he  was  to  me  in  all  I  said  and 
did,  much  of  which  was  intrinsically  wrong,  and  as 
I  recall  how  loyal  and  steadfast  he  was  in  his 
frieftidship  when  many  things  in  that  intimacy  were 
essentially  bad,  I  cannot  help  from  thinking  that 
his  kind  is  rare  in  this  world  of  infidelity  of  affec- 
tion and  betrayal  of  confidence.  That  is  why  T  am 
here  telling  his  life  story  as  well  as  mine,  and  it 
is  also  the  reason  why  I  am  not  holdinig  him  up  to 
the  execration  I  deserve,   but  pointing   out  to   you 

94 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  95 

the  virtues  'he  possessed  despite  he  was  a  qiiaek, 
and  which  I  would  have  you  emulate.  Ralston  was 
as  noble  as  he  looked.  It  was  I  who  made  a  char- 
latan of  him.  That  is  some  thing  I  can  never  for- 
get. It  is  a  crime  I  cannot  forgive.  He  was  strug- 
gling hard,  eking  out  an  existence  whein  I  came  a- 
long  and  by  praise  and  cajolery  enticed  him  into 
the  remunerative  business  of  Mddical  fakir,  all  of 
which  I  have  told  before.  But  it  beiars  repeiating  be- 
cause it  contains  a  lesson.  It  proves  how  a  good 
man  can  be  influenced  by  a  rogue  and  it  also  teach- 
es that  we  readily  acquire  the  ways  and  take  on 
the  habits  of  those  with  whom  we  closely  associate", 
although  by  nature  we  are  made  of  finer  clay  and 
molded  for  a  higher  purpose. 

Whatever  wrong  Ralston  did  I  was  to  blame  for 
it.  On  my  shoulders,  not  on  his,  should  be  placed 
tho  responsibility  of  guilt.  I  made  him  what  he 
was.  I  taught  him  to  lie  and  it  was  from  me  he 
learned  all  the  arts  that  are  linked  with  the  ignoble 
profession    of  quack. 

"When  T  think  of  my  checkered  career  blackened 
by  dishonesty  and  lying  and  reflect  that  it  was  I 
who  first  suggested  to  Ralston  that  the  life  of  a 
charlatan  was  an  easy  and  pleasant  road  to  mon- 
ey igietting,  I  feel  as  though  T  committed  too  great 
a  crime  for  pardon.  Btut  I  must  say  both  to  his 
credit  and  mine  that  we  tried  to  make  amends.  A 
large  portion  of  the  money  we  so  fraudulently  ac- 
qaiired  we  gave  away.  Our  charities  were  abun- 
dant. Many  a  helpless  cripple,  widow  and  orphan 
werp  benefieiarif|R.  Women  have  shed  tears  of 
gratitude  as  we  in  a  quiet  and  unnb<jtrusivo  wny 
helped  to  keep  the  wolf  from  their  door.  And  we 
Rouffht  no  recognition  for  this  betneficiienee.  We 
looked  for  no  recomipenseL  True  it  seemed  like 
robbini?  Peter  to  pay  Paul,  to  use  an  old  and  fami- 
liar c^mnarison.  But  it  was  a  healing  balm  to  our 
wounded  conscience. 


96 


qONPESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 


Our  religious  friends  tell  us  there  is  to  be/  a 
Judgment  Day.  According  to  their  belief  it  is 
then  that  all  the  graft  and  wickedness  of  sinful 
fallein  man  will  be  made  known.  How  will  Ralston 
and  I  be,  able  to  face  the  victims  we  so  merciless 
trimmed  "What  justification  can  we  offer  for  our 
misdeeds?  The  weak  argument  all  wrong-doers 
will  offer,  I  suppose.  And  how  ridiculous  and  ab- 
surd will  our  small  effort  at  atonement  appear. 
Tjike  millions  of  others  who  have  donei  wrong  our 
sins  will  condemn  us.  When  I  think  of  what  we 
nnist  face  courage  fails  me.  I  find  myself  wishing 
the  rocks  and  mountains  would  hide  me  and  I 
unceasingly  curse  the  day  I  became  a  qjuack. 


D    □  Q  D 

D   a  D  O 
n    D    Q   D 


The    Cancer  Home 


XXV 

At  Mrs.  Grayson's  "Cancer  Home"  time  passed 
quickly.  We/  were  busy.  There  was  never  a  mo- 
ment to  waste.  And  Balston  and  I  having  little  op- 
portunity for  reflection  were  happy.  I  daresay 
we  were  as  contented  a  pair  of  rogues  as  could  be 
found.  The  mornings  we  put  in  doing  operations. 
As  all  kinds  of  surgical  eases  wore  admitted  to  the 
Hospital,  we  had  a  splendid  chance  to  perfect  our- 
selves in  the  art  of  "butchery".  The  ignorance 
and  credulity  of  mankind  is  astounding.  I  knew 
this  from  the  time  I  beg^n  to  study  and  observe. 
But  my  ideas  were  somewhat  vague  and  hazy  until 
I  became  a  quack.  I  then  saw  that  ignorance  caus- 
ed two  thirds  of  the  misery  of  the  world.  It  waa 
this,  the  worst  of  human  evils  that  pcjrmitted  a  false 
economic  system  to  exist.  Long  before  I  became  a 
quack,  in  my  poor  and  obscure  days  when  I  wag  a 
legitimate  practitioner  I  perceived  that  those;  who 
did  the  most  of  the  hard  work  of  the  world  receiv- 
ed but  a  fraction  of  wealth  they  produced.  This  was 
so  self-evident  that  it  required  no  effort  on  my  part 
to  detect  it.  Naturally  my  heart  went  out  to  those 
who  worked  for  a  living.  My  sympathy  was  keen 
for  them.  In  those  days  I  could  no  more  think  of 
telling  an  untruth  to  one  of  these  than  I  could  of 
stealing,  killing  or  doing  any  other  criine.  But 
what  a  change  came  ovet  me  when  I  shook  dff 
the  yoke  and  hamo^se  of  right  doing,  jumped  over 
the  traces  and  cast  all  moral  restraint  to  the  wind ! 
I  blush  with  shame  as  I  think  of  it.  No  sooner  had 
I  sihaken  off  righteousness  and  turned  away  from 
rectitude  than  I  lost  all  compassion  and  sympathy 
for  those  who  so  shortly  had  beetti  my  friends.  I 
would  as  soon  lie  to  a  working  man  as  I  would  to 
a  millionairet  I  would  deceive  a  poor  widow  as 
quickly  as  I  would  a  society  matron.    I  would  rob 

97 


98  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

an  orphan  with  no  mone  compuntion  than  1  would 
a  bank  president. 

As  I  ponder  on  it  the  conviction  forces  itself  on 
me|  that  in  becoming  a  quack  1  departed  from  all 
virtue  and  igoodness.  1  sowed  the  seeds  of  moral 
deterioration  that  sprung  up  and  produced  a  cr>.p 
of  evils  that  brought  about  disintegration  of  my 
character. 

One  Sunday,  as  I  sat  in  the  olffiee  witlh  these 
gnawing  thoughts  disturbing  me,  two  men  came  in. 
They  asked  me  if  1  could  be  so  good  as  to  make 
an  outside  call.  It  wasn't  far,  just  a  few  blocks  a- 
way.  Howeve(r  I  was  averse  to  going.  I  was  in  a 
contemplative  mood  and  wished  to  bei  left  alone. 
But  RaLston  had  gone  for  a  walk  and  I  knew  of  no 
other  doctor  I  would  care  to  send.  So  after  much 
prevarication  in  which  art  I  w^as  most  adept,  1 
promised  to  go. 

My  visitors  were  old.  Neither  of  them  looked 
prosperous.  But  as  I  was  now  independent  and  it 
was  high  time  I  was  bejeoming  charitable,  I  didn't 
mind  it  a  bit.  Arriving  at  the)  address  they  had 
given  me,  the  entrance  w^as  guarded  by  a  dag  who 
orouched  in  the  door  way  with  his  nose  nestling 
betweeffi  his  paws.  He  seemed  to  resent  my  coming 
as  an  intrusion,  growling  as  I  ascended  the  steps. 

For  a  moment  I  was  all  at  sea  as  to  wihat  was 
(best  to  do.  He  looked  vicious.  And  it  was  apper- 
ent  he  was  a  watch  dog  placed  at  the  door  to  keep 
strangers  away.  It  occurred  to  me  that  I  should  try 
on  Mr.  Doig  the  tactics  I  had  so  effectively  used  on 
human  beings.  I  had  a  vast  experience  in  dealing 
with  men  and  women,  little  or  none  with  animate. 
Perliaps  they  were  as  susceptible  to  flattery  as  the 
victims  Ralston  and  I  had  fleeced.  I  would  see. 
"Nice  little  dog,  you  wouldn't  bite  me",  I  said, 
patting  him  on  the  head.  My  words  acted  like 
magic.  Immediately  he  waggefl  his  tail.  Assured 
he  meant  me  no  harm,  I  entered  and  climbed  tihe 


CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK  99 

long,  narrow  stairway  tliat  led  to  the  sick  man's 
room.  There  the  two  gentlemen  who  had  come 
alter  m©  aAvaited  my  arrival.  On  the  bed  lay  the 
patient,  a  little  wizeneld  lold  man  of  eighty-five. 
He  was  emaciated  and  looked  bad.  He  was  dirty 
and  unsha,vejii.  He-  had  a  swelling  on  the  right  side 
of  his  neck.  I  examined  it  and  found  it  was  very 
sensitive.  As  I  was  a  cancer  specialist  it  was  the 
most  natural  thing  in  the  world  for  me  to  declare 
it  a  malignant  growth.  But  for  once  in  my  career 
as  quack  I  would  not  lie.  So  I  said  it  was  abscess, 
prescribed  flax  seed  poultice  and  sat  down.  You 
don't  know  how  happy  I  felt  after  all  the  years  of 
lying  I  could  tell  the:  truth.  That  was  something  to 
be  proud  of,  I  had  despaired  dfl  ever  being  able  to 
do  that  aigain.  As  I  thought  of  it  I  became  con- 
scious of  new  strenght,  I  was  aware  too  that  the 
essence  of  good  was  still  within  me.  I  could  re- 
frain from  lyinig  if  I  tried.  I  was  able  to  throw  off 
the  mask  of  hypocrisy  I  wore.  Once  more  I  might 
practice  the  healing  art  in  an  upright  way. 

While  these  thoughts  were  flitting  through  my 
brain  a  little  man,  elvidently  a  friend  of  my  patient, 
sat  directly  opposite  nue.  He  watched  me  closely. 
He  noticed  every  move  I  made  and  hunig  on  every 
word  I  said.  And  riight  then  I  concluded  he  had 
pasfscjd  judgment  in  me  and  declared  me  a  fakir. 
But  I  misjudged  him,  as  subsequent  events  amply 
proveid.  Instead  of  questioning  my  honesty,  he 
was  admiring  the  way  I  had  of  doing  and  say- 
ing things. 

"Doctor,   don't  you  reimember   me?"  he   asked. 

"You're  a  little  man  I've  known  by  sight  for 
years. ' ' 

"I  used  to  work  in  stable^.  But  I  don't  any 
nior^e.  I'm  too  old — sixtj'-nine.  I  just  walk  around 
to  pass  away  the  time." 

"Where   were  you   born?"  I  asked. 

"In  East   London.     I've  been   around  the  world 


100  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

several  timae.  There's  nothing  like  travel,  believe 
me.  It  broadens  a  man  and  giveis  him  knowledge 
he  never  can  acquire  from  books." 

"I  iqwite  agree  with  you,  although  1  have  never 
traveled  much.  I've  beem  so  busy  these  years,  i 
haven't  had  time." 

"But  think  of  all  the  good  you  have  done." 

Lord!  If  he  only  knew  the  kind  of  game  I  play- 
ed! 

"There's  just  as  much  joy  in  that  as  there  is  in 
being  able  to  run  about." 

"I  dare  say  there  is." 

''May  be  if  you  had  been  a  dishonest  doctor  like 
some  I  know,  perhaps  you  might  have  been  able  to 
take  it  easy  and  see  some  of  the  world." 

"Perhaps." 

I  could  not  look  him  in  the  face.  I  had  to  efvad« 
nis  eyes.  I  knew  he  was  a  good  judge  of  charac- 
ter. All  men  are  who  travel.  May  be  a  look  or  a 
word  would  betray  me  and  he  would  discover  what 
a  fraud  I  was.  By  his  own  admission  he  had  come 
in  contact  with  dishonest  doctors.  I  presume  some 
of  them  were  like  me.  I  felt  uneasy  and  wished  I 
had  never  began  a  conversation  with  him.  I  long- 
ed to  be  back  at  the  "Cancer  Home",  wlieire  Ral- 
ston and  I  could  sit  down  and  talk  with  perfect 
understanding  and  freedom.  We  weire  two  of  a 
kind.  We  had  an  intimate  acquaintance  and  knew 
each  other's  igiood  qualities  and  bad  traits  as  well. 
All  our  secrets  wc  shared  in  common.  Neither  of 
us  had  anything  to  conceal.  But  I  felt  quite  dif- 
ferently in  the  pilesenee  of  this  little  man. 

"Sometime,  if  you  don't  mind,  I'm  coming  over 
to  see  your  "Cancer  Home",  he  said,  after  a 
thoughtful  silence. 

"Do,  by  all  means.  I  shall  be  glad  to  show  you 
about  the  place." 

Immediately  I  had  fallen  into  my  old  lying  hab- 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  101 

its.  I  no  more  wanted  him  to  pay  me  a  visit  than 
I  wished  to  be  a  quack.  What  I  desired  most  was 
a  long  conference  with  Ralston,  where  I  could  point 
out  to  him  thci  necessity  and  advisability  of  ub 
turning  over  a  new  leaf.  To  my  way  of  thinking 
it  was  time  we  reformied.  We  had  gone  far  enough 
in  wrong  doing.  We  were  already  on  dangerous 
ground.     A  misstep    might  lead    to  •certain  ruin. 

"I  won't  forgeit  how  kind  and  attentive  you've 
been  to  this  man.  If  I  evetr  get  sick  you'll  be  the 
first  doctor    I'll  send  for." 

There  was  only  one  way  for  mei  to  ansyer  this  com- 
pliment. I  thanked  him  most  heartly  for  the  con- 
fidence he  had  in  me  and  promised  if  the  occasion 
ever  arose  wheai  he  needed  my  services,  I  would 
treat  him  to  the  best  of  my  ability. 


XXVI 

I  was  glad  to  get  away  from  that  old  rooming 
house  and  back  to  Mrs.  Grayson's  "Cancer  Home". 
The  first  thing  I  did  on  arriving  there'  was  to  look 
up  Ralston.  I  found  him  in  the  library  pouring  over 
a  book  on  surgery.  I  invited  him  into  the  office 
where!  we  had  a  long  and  serious  conference. 
"I'm  going  to  reform,"  I  said. 
Ralston  laughed. 

"That  isn't  the  first  lie  you've  ever  told.  You've 
been  igetting  this  reform  gag  off  ever  since  we 
became  quacks",  he  repied. 

"But  this  time  you  will  seeL  Everything  in  this 
world  has  an  end.  And  that  applies  to  the'  game 
we  have  been  playing.  Say,  I've  just  come  from 
a  visit  across  thei  way,  where,  for  the  first  time  in 
^;eai'4. 1'.wavS  on  the  square.  And  I'm  so  hatppy  I 
don't'  linow,  what  to  do.  I  tell  you  it  pays  to  do 
c^yljat.  i4  Jil^ht  *  But  it  took  me  a  long  time  to  find 
'it  out."" 

"You  old  hypocrite!  How  can  you  sit  there  and 
say  what  you  know  is  untrue  " 

"Are  you  really  not  to  be  convinced?" 
"Not   until   I  have   more  proof  than   your   word 
for  it." 

"Very  well.    V^hen  I  make  my  visit  tom,orrow  I 
want  you  to  accompany  me." 
"It's  a    go." 

"I'vie  been  thinking  of  taking  this  step  for  a 
long  time.  We  don't  have  to  be  dishonest  any 
more.  Wef're  both  well  fixed.  There's  no  need  of 
us  being  iqiuaieks  any  longer." 
"Once  a  quack  always  a  quack." 
' '  I  don 't  believe  it.  A  man  can  go  a  long  way  in 
wrong  doinig,  call  it  quits  and  do  what  is  right. 
I'm  going   to  prove   he    can.     Ralston,  let's    try  it. 

102 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  103 

It's  never  too  late  to  mend.  We  can  redeem  our- 
selves, recover  our  good  name  and  with  a  clean 
slate  begin  whctre  we  left  off  years  ago.  Are  you 
with  me  or  not?" 

"With  you,  of  course.  But  we'll  both  prove  un- 
equal to   the   task." 

"No,  we  won't.  We'll  find  it  as  easy  to  do 
right  and  far  more  pleasant  than  to  do  wrong. 
Since  we've  been  quacks  we've  not  had  a  moment's 
peace. ' ' 

"There  I  agree  with  you," 

"Excuse  me,  Ralston,  therei's  somie  one  at  the 
door,"  The  be[ll  had  rung  and  as  usual  my  collea- 
gue had  not  heard  it.  My  hearing  was  fine.  With- 
out bragging  and  waiving  all  claim  to  conceit,  I 
think  I  could  truthfully  say  that  I  was  a,ble  to  dis- 
tiagtuish   sounds  as  few   men  can. 

"Remember  what  I  told  you.  Today  marks  the 
beginning  of  a  new  life  for  both  of  us,"  I  said  ris- 
ing and  going  to  thei  door. 

My  visitor  was  a  colored  boy.  One  glance  was 
sufficient  for  me  to  understand  that  he  was  in  great 
distress.  He  was  seared  and  anxious  looking.  He 
could  not  speak  above  a  whispe'r. 

"Doctor,  can  you  come  down  right  away?  My 
sister  has  taken  a  bad  turn." 

I  grabbed  my  hat  and  pulled  on  my  ovet*eoat. 
Only  yesterday  I  had  beten  down  to  see  her.  She 
was  a  beautiful  girl  of  eighteen,  had  graduated 
with  honors  from  the  High  School  and  had  just  be- 
gan her  studies  in  the  Normal  School  when  she  fell 
a  victim  to  the  white  plague.  She  had  florid  phthi- 
sis or  quick  consumption.  Her  casei  was  hopeless, 
bu't,  as  T  was  still  a  quack,  T  had  lied  and  told 
her  folks  ishe  would  get  well.  Her  father  was 
an  old  woodchopper  and  spent  much  of  his  time 
away  from  home.  I  will  n-ever  forget  what  a  path- 
etic picture  he  made  as  he  stood  before  me  and 
appealed  to   mei  to  do   something   for    his    girl.   I 


104  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

felt  wholly  justified  in  telling  him  an  untruth.  It 
would  have  been  cruel  for  me  to  have  told  him  his 
daughter  was  so  soon  to  be  taken  from  him.  Ar- 
riving at  his  home  I  found  my  patient  lying  in  a 
pool  of  blood  on  the  floor.  A  hemorrhage  from  the 
lungs  had  made  furthetr  visits  on  my  part  unnec- 
cessary.  That  sad  scene  has  never  faded  from  my 
memory.  It  stands  out  distinctly  among  the  pic- 
tures that  haunt  my  waking  objective  conscious- 
ness and  even  my  subjective  mind  reproducers  it  in 
dreams.  I  will  always  see  that  beautiful  girl  who 
had  childlike  faith  and  trust  in  me,  and  I  regret 
exceiedingly  that  I  was  so  helpless  to  prevent  the 
breaking  tihie  thread  of  her  life. 


XXVII 

Early  the  next  morning  wei  had  a  call  up  the  val- 
ley. This  filled  us  with  joy.  The  thought  of  tak- 
ing a  drive  over  the  mountains  in  a  first  rate  tour- 
ing oar  was  most  pleasant.  At  last  a  chance  would 
be  g^ven  us  to  try  out  the  the  splendid  machine 
Mrs.  Grayson  ihad  given  us. 

W&  both  felt  the  need  of  recreation.  A  little 
diversion  such  as  the  present  journey  promised  us 
would  go  a  long  way  in  removing  the  unrest  that 
had  tortured  us  since  assuming  occupancy  of  the 
"Cancer  Home."  We  were  quacks  but  we  were 
wounJerfully  susceptible  to  the  beauties  of  nature. 
Wc  Avere  appreciative  of  all  the  grandeur  and  beau- 
ty of  mountain  and  valley,  plain  and  prairie. 

Tlie  road  we  were  to  take  passed  the  ''Home" 
and  wound  like  a  serpent  way  beyond.  We  had 
started  early.  It  was  not  seven  o'clock,  as  we 
looked  back  at  the  place  wherel  we  had  passed  so 
many  restless  days.  Soon  a  bend  in  the  road  would 
hide  it  from  view,  and  we'd  forget  all  the  acts  of 
dishonesty  we  had  done  behind  its  walls.  Every 
untruth  we  had  uttcired,  the  many  mean  and  under- 
handed things  we  had  planneid  to  accomplish  we 
would  cover  with  oblivion.  We  would  recall  noth- 
ing ignoble  or  tricky.  We  would  think  only  of  the 
good  we  intended  to  do, 

Ralston  drove  the  car  slowly.  It  was  my  request 
that  he  do  so.  It  was  a  new  routes  for  us.  We  had 
never  Ixeen  that  way  be'lfore,  althouig'h  we  had  oft- 
en heard  of  the  wonders  and  beauties  encountered 
on  the.  journey. 

There  was  another  reason  why  I  wanted  to  make 
the  trip  by  easy  stages.  Our  patient  was  in  no 
immediate  danger  and  could  safely  await  our  lei- 
surelv  coming.     I  had  much  to  say  to  Ralston.    He 

105 


106  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

and  I  had  come  to  somei  sort  of  understanding,  and 
theu'e  was  no  more  opportune  time  to  do  so  than 
the  present.  Away  I'rotn  the  distractions  of  the 
hospital  I  could  think  well  and  talk  convincingly. 
I  felt  when  wei  returned  we  would  have  a  batter 
knowledge  of  each  other  and  of  this  I  was  sure, 
namely  that  we  had  turned  away  forever  from  all 
that  v/as  dishonorable  and  returned  to  those  ideals 
that  had  been  our  hopei  and  inspiration  when  we 
Avere  poor  and  obscure. 

"What  a  relief  to  get  aAvay  from  the  "Homei!" 
I  said. 

' '  Yes,  indeed.  A  trip  like  this  makes  onei  feel  as 
though  life  is  worth  living,"  he  replied. 

"These  are  some  of  thei  joys  of  the  rural  practi- 
tioner," I  remarked, 

"Joys  not  to  be  despised,"  he  retorted. 

"Ralston,  I've  often  thought  that  there  is  the  fol- 
lower of  the  healing  art  who  gets  the  most  out  of 
life.  It  is  a  strugigj.e  to  get  on  the  city.  You  and 
I  found  that  out  years  ago.  It  is  probable  we  would 
have  starved  if  we  hadn't  become  qxiacks." 

"I  have  no  doubts  about  it." 

"And  now  that  success  has  come  to  us,  what  has 
it  brought  us?" 

"Nothing,  but  re(grets." 

"There  you  are.  Don't  you  see  a  man  cannot 
do  wrong  and  escape  the  penalty?  I  tell  you  it 
is  the  law  that  holds  giood  every whiere. " 

"I  have  always  believed  that  way." 

"You  have!" 

"Ye$." 

"Then  why  didn't  you  thrash  me  the  day  I  came 
to  3'-ou  and  asked  you  to  become  a  quack?" 

"That's  what  I  should  have  done." 

"It  would  have  saved  me  many  a  heartache." 

"Me,  too." 

"Here's  a  promise  I'll  make  you  in  good  faith. 
If  you  don't  quit  quacking  you'll  be  licked.     You 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  107 

can  go  fooling  the  public  just  so  long  and  then 
you'll  find  out  if  you  know  what's  good  for  you, 
you'll  stop  or,  what's  better  still,  take  to  the 
woods." 

"What  we're  doing  just  now." 
"Yes.    But  we're  going  back." 
"Not  until  we)'ve  ceased  to  be  quacks." 
"Then  you  are  in  earnest  about  reforming." 
"I  want  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  from  now  on." 
"It  makes  me  feel  ten  years  younger  to  hear  you 
say  that." 

One  look  at  Ralston  was  sufficient  to  convince 
me  that  he  meant  just  what  he  said.  He  was  dis- 
gusted with  the  life  he  was  leading.  Like  me,  he 
longed  to  gert;  away  from  it.  He  v.'ished  to  be  free. 
The  rest  of  the  trip  we  made  in  silence.  Our  eyes 
wandererd  over  the  valley  and  mountain.  Here 
was  the  cancer  patient   we  had  come  to  see. 

"This  way.  Doctor,"  said  an  old  man,  opening 
the  gate. 

We  drove  in.  Way  behind  the  orchard  was  the  house 
painted  white  with  red  roof  and  green  shutters  as 
contrast  in  coloring.  Here  was  peace  and  life  in 
the  primitive.  How  gladly  I  would  have  exchang- 
ed places  with  the  man  who  had  opened  the  gate 
and  let  us  in!  Serenity  of  conscience  was  written 
on  his  face.  Better  off  by  far  than  eithier  of  us 
was  he. 

Our  patiemt  proved  to  be  a  lady  of  eighty  six, 
suffering  with  cancer.  Her  case  was  beyond  any 
cure.  All  we  could  do  was  to  leave  some  morphia 
tablets  to  relieve  her  pain.  This  done  wei  demons- 
trated to  our  satisfaction  that  we  weire  still  quacks 
by  asking  an  exorbitant  fee,  accepting  our  pay 
with  many  thanks  and  promising  to  come  again,  if 
our  services  were  wanted.  We  were  escorted  into 
the  dining  room  where  we  were  given  a  splendid 
supper. 


108  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

The  hospitality  of  country  peopla  is  remarkable 
This  wasn't  the  first  tim,e,  I  had  seen  it.  I  had 
known  it  since  a  boy.  At  the  table  I  maintained 
a  dignified  silence  much  to  the  annoyanoe  of  Ral- 
ston. The  conversation  centered  around  livestock 
and  kindred  subjects  and  as  I  was  not  well  versed 
in  those  branches  I  decided  the  best  way  to  hide  my 
ignorance  was  to  look  wise  and  keep  still. 


XXVIII 

The  next  day  as  1  sat  in  the  office  of  the  * '  Home ' ', 
cogitating  on  the  past,  present  and  future  and  be- 
wailing thet  fact  1  was  still  a  quack,  1  heard  a  loud 
knock  at  the  door.  Rising  and  opening  it  1  found 
a  mild  mannered,  soft  spoken  Portuguese  (gentle- 
man  awaiting  me. 

"Mr.  Doctor  you  come  right  over  and  see  my 
wife?"  he  asked. 

"I'll  go",  1  replied.  But  1  hesitated  a  minute 
thinking. 

"What  seems  to  hei  the  trouble  with  her?"  1 
queriejd. 

"Stomach",  he  answered. 

"What  do  you  feed  heir  on?" 

"Poor  man's  diet." 

' '  That  seems  rather  indefinite  to  me.  Poor  man 's 
diet  might  mean  many  things  with  high,  cost  of  liv- 
ing. So  I  decided  to  wait  until  I  saw  thei  good 
woman  herself  and  I  would  theto  ask  her  just  what 
she  did  eat. 

It  was  quite  a  walk  over  to  his  house,  but  I  didn  't 
mind  it  in  the  least.  His  homei  was  a  neat  little 
cottage  that  stood  well  back  from  the  streat.  At 
the  gate  an  old  lady  awaited  us.  I  was  told  she 
was  the  next  door  neighbor  and  advised  to  be  care- 
ful what  I  said,  as  she  was  a  regiular  gossip. 

"Come  right  in.  Doctor.  Tony,  get  thej  gentle- 
maji  a  chair,"  she  said  smiling  at  m^e  and  frawning 
on  the  man  whose  wife'  was  ill.  Inunediately  I  saw 
she  was  well  meaning  but  officious.  But  I  would 
cater  to  her  somewhat  to  have  her  igood  will  and 
keep  in  chettk  her  unruly  tongue. 

"Bring  me  thcl  patient, "I  said  authoritatively. 
The  old  lady  went  into  the  kitchen.  Presently  she 
returned  leading  a  very  fat  and   sickly  woman. 

109 


110  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

"This  is  my  wife.  She's  been  sick  a  long  time. 
Can't  eat,  sleep  nor  work." 

He  walked  out. 

"Darling,  get  tihe  Doctoi"  the  medicine^  bottle." 
The  fat  lady  tottea-ed  back  into  thei  kitch/en.  This 
was  the  old  woman 's  chane©  to  indulgci  in  a  little, 
harmless  gossip. 

' '  She 's  a  regular  pig,  doctor.  She  eats  and  eats 
and  is  still  hungry  and  wants  more." 

"It's  plainly  a  'Case  of  indigestion,"  I  said. 

"That's  what  I've  been  telling  her  right  along. 
She 's  a  glutton. ' '  She  put  out  ihier  tongue  and  made 
a  face  at  her. 

The  sick  woman  camel  in  with  a  haJf  empty  bottle 
of  medicine. 

"Did  you  find  the  medicine,  darling) ?"  she  ask- 
ed in  tender  sympathetic  tones. 

I  could  scarcely  control  myself.  Such  a  two  faced 
creature  I  had  not  seen  in  many  a  day.  I  sat  down 
near  my  patient  and  began  to  speak  softly  to  her. 
As  is  costumary  with  quacks  I  did  my  best  to  im- 
press her  with  my  knowledge  and  skill.  I  talked 
fluently  and  (entertainingly  of  many  things.  I 
interprete'd  all  heo*  symptoms  and  made  it  clear  to 
her  that  I  understood  them  and  could  quickly  re^ 
lieve  them.  I  was  careful  too,  after  the  mannetr  of 
quacks,  to  sound  her  financial  condition. 

AVhen  I  had  explained  her  case  satisfactorily  to 
heir  as  I  thought,  I  took  my  hat  and  roee  to  go. 

"You  must  eat  less.  It  is  important  that  you 
remember  this:  Overeating  is  responsible  for  ma- 
ny of  the  ills  the  flesh  is  heir  to.  If  peiople  would 
only  curb  tlheir  appetites  and  gK)  on  hunger  strikes 
foir  a  while,  it  would  'Ciause  /qiuit«  a  fc^v  of  us  to  get 
to  work  and  earn  an  honest  living.  But  they  be- 
lieve, at  least  a  good  share  of  them  do,  that  they 
were  made  to  eat.  Seemingly,  that's  all  they  livle 
for.  It  apfpears  to  be  their  only  enjoyment.  Result : 
thej'  are  siclr  most  of  the  time  and  are  kept  poor 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  111 

paying  doctor's  bills".  She  listemed  attentively  to 
what  I  said. 

"Now,  will  you  do  what  thei  doctor  says?" 

''Sh€'s  awfully  stubom,"  said  her  next  door 
neighbor. 

"I  think  she  will  obey  me.  It  is  not  very  nice 
to  be  sick." 

"Mr.  Doctor,  how  much  do  I  owe  you,"  asked 
the  lady  who  ate  not  wisely  but  too  well, 

"Twenty  dollars,  please." 

"Great  Scott!"   exclaimed  the  old  gossip. 

"It  is  expensive  to  be  sick,  but  it  costs  money  to 
get  well." 

* '  The  services  of  a  competent  doctor  come  a  little 
high  nowadays,"  I  said  pocketing  the  twenty  dollars 
she  had  given  me. 

I  was  still  a  quack.  My  case  was  hopeless.  All 
my  etfforts  to  reform  had  come  to  naught.  I  would 
spend  the  balance  of  my  life  as  a  chai'latan  and  all 
ray  promises  to  the  contrary  would  prove  unstable 
resolutions.  Ralston  had  now  a  perfect  right  to 
scold  me.  Irresolute  and  vacillating,  the  plaything 
of  whim  and  caprice,  thei  idea  of  me  ever  changing 
had  long   ago  faded  from  his  mind. 


XXVIX 

By  this  time  Mrs  Grayson's  ''Cancer  Home" 
had  become  widely  known.  The  wards  and  private 
rooms  welne  iilled.  Money  was  rolling  in  to  us  in 
a  golden  stream.  Under  such  circumstances  it  is 
natural  for  men  to  be  in  high  spirits.  Ralston  and 
I  were  as  happy  as  it  is  possible  for  dishonest  men 
to  be.  Every  crook  has  a  philosophy  to  justify  his 
behaviour  and  we:  had  ours. 

But  we  had  moments — many  of  them — when  re- 
morse and  dispair  weighed  heavily  on  us.  It  was 
during  these  times  that  the  future  seemed  to  reveal 
all  its  secrets  to  us  and  the  past  to  force  on  us  its 
many  lessons  and  warninigis.  I  shudder  when  I 
r€/eall  the  vague  indescribable  mental  suffering  we 
both  experienced.  No  words  can  convey  an  intel- 
ligent compiiehension  of  what  it  was  like.  No  one 
has  the!  slightest  conception  of  what  it  resembles, 
only  those  who  have  done  wrong  when  reason  com- 
manded them  to  do  right  and  who  tried  to  smother 
the  prickings  of  consKnenoe  by  claiminig  that  suc- 
cess sanctioned  and  justified  all  methods  of  obtain- 
ing it. 

As  the  d&ys  went  by  the  intimatei  acquaintance 
Ralston  and  I  had  of  each  other  enabled  us  to  see 
the  kind  of  work  that  was  most  congenial  to  us. 
As  I  was  niervous  and  active,  a  regular  dynamo 
of  restlessnetes,  it  was  agreed  that  I  should  look 
after  all  outside  patients,  while  Ralston  would  take 
care  of  thei  inmates  of  the  "Home".  I  would  in- 
sist on  his  prescenee  only  for  the  purpose  of  impres- 
ing  the  minds  of  the  credulous  and  to  enable  me 
the  more  readily  and  easily  to  extraet  ample  fees. 
He  would  be  of  invaluable  assistance  to  me  in  the 
art  of  extortion.  All  quacks  madel  um  of  such 
tactics  and  we  could  not  afford  to  be  an  exception. 

Arriving  at  the  hospital  I  found  another  case 
112 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  113 

awaiting  me.  A  littlet  girl,  whose  fathet  conducted 
a  road  house  a  mile  out  of  town,  ha3  been  burned 
badly.  She  had  overturned  a  coal  oil  lamp  and  sing- 
ed hVself  frightfully.  Hier  father  had  driven  in 
haste  to  the  ''Home",  where  he  eixpeieted  to  find 
me.  He  was  indignant  because  Ralston  would  not 
go  and  poureid  down  on  him  a  shower  of  stinginig 
oaths.  I  succeedJed  in  pacifying  him  somewhat  and 
promised  him  I'd  accompany  him  to  the  child  at 
onc€(. 

He  was  a  remarkable!  little  man,  a  Swiss  by  birth 
and  had  traveled  extensively.  He  was  ruptured, 
badly  and  had  opened  the  Road  House  as  a  means 
of  making  an  easy  living.  There  crowds  of  Ger- 
manis  used  to  gathetr,  drink  steins  of  beier  and  sing 
songs.  I  found  my  little  patient  lying  quietly  on 
tha  sofa  with  her  anxious  and  frightened  mother 
bending  over  her  and  applying  flour  and  water 
to  her  bums.  I  was  a  quack,  but  it  didn't  occur  to 
me  that  this  was  the  best  treatment.  I  had  brought 
a  pint  bottle  of  linimentum  calcis,  "Lime  water  and 
linsefed  oil",  which  I  poured  over  her  scorched  limbs. 

In  all  my  experience  I  had  never  Reetii  a  chihi 
like  that.  She  did  not  move  nor  whimper.  She 
lay  perfectly  still  and  showed  a  stoicism  truly 
wonderful  foir  one  of  her  age.  She|  made  a  quick 
recovery  and  for  attending  her  I  received,  as  usual, 
a  handsome  fee. 

When  I  recall  how  easy  it  was  for  nue  to  fleece 
people  and  how  readily  I  succed'ed  in  causing  them 
to  pay  me  etsorbitant  fees,  I  think  some  devil  of 
lying  possessed  me.  An  imp  from  hell  had  entered 
my  soul  and  destroyed  the  flower  of  benevolence 
that  eiarly  in  ray  career  ha;d  'exhalecl  a  delicious  fra- 
grance. This  being  who  had  left  the  infernal  re- 
gions and  taken  up  an  abode  in  me  made  me  hard 
as  nails.  Mine  was  plainly  a  case  of  "diabolism". 
If  not  that,  how  explain  my  selfishness,  greed  and 
untruthfulness  ? 


XXX 

The  following  day  at  uoon  I  jumped  into  the 
machine  and  drove  down  to  see  a  lady  who  was 
suffering  with  all  the  morbid  symptoms  associat- 
ed with  the  climacterio  or  change  of  life.  Her  con- 
dition was  as  sad  as  it  was  deplorable..  A  week 
previous  to  calling  me  in  she  had  made  an  attempt 
on  her  own  life.  Shci  had  tried  to  beat  her  brains 
out  with  a  hamm'er.  Repenting  of  what  she  had 
done,  in  her  calmer  and  more  lucid  intervals,  she 
had  sent  for  me. 

She  was  a  lady  of  refinement  and  education  and 
her  daughter  was  a  teacher  in  the  public  school. 
Her  husband  was  a  meek  man  whom  everybody 
liked.  I  sat  down  and  had  a  long  talk  with  heir. 
The  family  pQiysician  had  gonel  Bast  to  visit  his 
pairents.  This  was  the  first  trip  he  had  made  to  see 
the  old  folks  since  locating  in  the  West.  She  told 
me'  how  kind  and  good  he  had  been  to  her  and  I 
fdt  rather  uncomfortable)  when  she  said  his  charges 
had  been  very  reasonable.  I  promised  to  do  all  I 
could  for  her.  whitfh  was,  of  course,  nothing.  But 
I  inteinded  to  make  a  daily  visit  to  her  home  to 
have  a  pleasiant  chat  with  her  (husband  and  daugh- 
ter, and  above  all  not  to  forget  to  jot  down  my  vis- 
its in  my  visiting  book. 

On  this  day  I  found  her  unusually  depressed.  She 
appearcfd  listless  and  apathetic.  Sfhie  showed  no 
disposition  to  talk  and  seemed  to  be  bored  by  my 
[presence.  I,  therefone,  decided  to  make<  my  staj-- 
short.  But  I  had  to  do  something  so  it  would  look 
as  if  I  had  taken  an  inte<rest  in  her  case  and  was 
trying  to  cure'  lier.  I  ordered  an  e^gnog,  which 
she  drank  with  great  reluctance,  bade  her  good-ibye, 
not  forgetting,  however,  to  promise  her  she  would 
soon  be  well  and  that  I  would  reiturn  to  see  her  on 
the  morrow. 

I  had  just  driven  my  machine  into  the  garage 
at  the  "Home"  when  her  husband,  with  a  look  of 
terror  on  his  face,  came  running  in,  his  h-^nds  frieht- 

114 


CONFESSIONS    OF    A    QUACK  115 

fully  burned.  He  was  all  out  of  breath  and  so  ex- 
cited hci  could  scarcely  speak. 

"For  God's  sake,  doctor,  come  over  to  the  house. 
My  wife  has  set  fire  to  herself.  Shortly  after  you 
left,  my  daughter  and  I  sat  down  to  dinner.  While 
we  were  thttre  she  went  quickly  out  into  the  back 
yard,  covered  herself  with  coal  oil  and  put  a  match 
to  her  clothes.  We  heard  the  screaming  and  rush- 
ed to  her  aid.  We  succeeded  in  smothering  the  fla- 
mes, but  shei  is  badly  burned  all  the  same." 

I  took  out  my  R  blank  and  wrote  a  prescription 
which  I  handed  to  him. 

"Geft  that  filled  at  the  drug  store  across  the  way, 
then  hurry  to  your  home.     I'll  be  there." 

I  might  be  a  quack,  but  I  knew  what  was  good 
for  bums. 

At  a  breakneck  speed  I  drove  down  to  the  un- 
fortunate woman's  home.  Therei  all  was  flurry. 
Several  of  t^he  neighbons,  in  well  meaning  efforts 
to  extinguish  the  flames,  were  severely  burned. 

My  patient  was  lying  on  the  bed  unconscious. 
She  wa„s  burned  as  I  had  nevcT  seen  anyone  before 
in  all  my  lifie. 

Directly  opposite  her  sat  two  Spanish  women 
saying  the  rofsary.  True(  to  tlheir  faith  they  had 
not  forgotten  to  pray  for  her  who  was  so  shortly 
theri.r  neighbor  and  friend. 

A  hasty  examination  on  my  part  told  me  she 
could  not  live.  So  I  took  out  my  Ihypodermic  case 
and  gave  her  a  shot  of  morphine.  Next  I  poured 
lime  water  and  linseed  oil  all  over  her.  This  done 
there  remained  one  thing  more  to  be  thougfht  of. 
That  was  to  ask  for  my  pay,  which  I  did  coldly  and 
formally.  When  I  received  it  I  did  something  tlhat 
must  have  branded  me  a  merciless,  heartless  thief, 
for  in  the  nresence  and  hearing  of  those  grief 
stricken  people,  I  grumbled  and  said  it  wasn't  e- 
nough.  What  further  proof  be  needed  that  I  was 
a  confirmed  and  incorrigible  quack? 


XXXI 


My  next  ease  was  a  Spanish  girl  with  ravem  locks 
and  white  skin,  Who  had  been  a  victim  for  "fleec- 
ing",, by  a  company  of  quacks  with  headquarters 
ovier  in  town.  They  had  suoceedeld  in  getting  six 
hundred  dollars  from  her.  She  was  suffering  witih 
ozena  and  aniguna  pectoris.  She  had  been  bedridden 
for  some  timQ. 

Her  father  was  janitor  at  the  High 
School  and  the  family  was  dependent 
on  his  meager  earnings  for  support. 

I  have  the  most  distinct  remebrance 
of  my  visit  to  this  girl.  I  can  see  her 
now  as  thouigh  she  were  right  before 
pie.  Beautiful  and  innocent  of  the 
world  she  reminded  me  of  an  etherial 
'being  that  had  come  by  accident  to 
earth.  Shd  had  spent  a  good  part  of  her 
life  in  bed.  She  had  been  an  invalid 
most  of  her  days.  What  little  she  knew 
of  the  world  of  action  fbieyond  the  eon- 
fines  of  her  father 's  home  was  a  child 's 
knowledge  that  had  come  to  her  from 
listening  to  the  conversation  of  friends 
who  occasionally  dropped  in  to  see  her 
mother  and  to  ask  how  she  was  igietting 
on. 

From  my  first  visit  I  oonsidered  her 
a  saint.  I'm  positive  the  giirl  could  not 
have  spoken  an  untruth,  if  she  tried. 
And  as  for  her  doing  anything  wrong, 
it  was  out  of  the  question.  She  was 
deeply  religioiLs,  but  her  piety  was  of 
the  quiet  variety.  "Wheniever  I  came 
into  her  presence,  hardened  old  sinneir  that  I  was, 
I  felt  ashamed  and  unworthy  to  preiacrijblei  for  her. 

At  fre«i|uent  intervals  she  had  attacks  of  "heart 
pang"  or  agina   pectoris,    as  it  is  technically  call- 

116 


CONFESSIONS  0¥  A  QUACK  117 

ed.  It  was  to  releiive  this  that  she  sent  for  me. 
li'ut  what  are  w^i  to  say  of  a  man  who  would  deli- 
bcrattdy  aoceive  a  noble  creature  like  this?  What 
ai-e  we  to  think  ofjhim?  i  can  offer  no  excuse  or 
apology  lor  what  I  did.  1  lied  to  her  like  I  did  to 
ail  the  others  who  had  sought  my  advice.  I  rob- 
bed her  poor  old  father  and  had  no  more  compunc- 
tion in  doing  so  than  if  he  were)  a  ndliionairej.  I 
did  it  because  I  was  a  quack  and  for  the\  simple 
reason  that  i  had  lost  all  sdnse  of  right  and  wrong. 
When  I  sit  down  quietly  by  myself  and  reflect 
on  what  1  have  done,  1  feel  as  though  it  would  be 
better  if  I  had  nevfr  been  born.  Indeed  I  'm  almost 
convinced  that  my  passing  through  this  sphere  of 
action  has  been  a  curse.  With  this  thought  in  my 
mind  1  have  sat  down  and  written  these  "Confes- 
sions" in  the  hope  that  those  who  read  them  may 
glean  some  truths  to  guide  and  dire&t  them  over 
their  pathway  through  life.  The  experiences  here- 
in rielated  when  'studied  and  analyzed  in  the  pro- 
per spirit  are  pregnant  with  suggestions.  We  all 
know  that  it  pays  to  do  what  is  right.  And  we  are 
aware  that  wrong  doing  brings  us  troubles  and  suf- 
fering. But  the  fault  with  many  of  us  is  this :  We 
won't  let  the  folly  of  another  teach  us  a  leteson.  We 
want  to  find  out  for  ourselves.  So  it  took  years 
for  Ralston  and  I  to  discover  that  the  life  of  a 
poor  and  struggling  practitioner  is  infinitely  pre- 
ferable to  that  of  a  prosperous  and  prominent 
quack.  We  had  money,  but  no  peace  of  mind.  Suc- 
cess, but  no  reputation.  Mrs.  Grayson's  "Cancer 
Home"  had  made  us  rich.  We  had  an  ever  increas- 
ing clientele  and  one  would  naturally  supposei  that 
undetr  such  circumstances  we  would  be  happy.  But 
thei  truth  is  we  knew  less  about  happiness  than  in 
the  days  we  were  poor  and  obscure  and  had  no 
influeneel  and  few    friends. 


XXXII 

As  1  entered  the  "Home"  Ealston  stepped  ior- 
Wiurd  aud  called  me  into  tho  ofiiee.  He  looked  paie 
and  worried.  One  glance'  was  sufficient  to  teli  me 
that  someithing   had  happened. 

"I'm  SO'  glad  you've  got  back!"  he  said,  siukiiug 
into  a  chair. 

"What  has  happened T'  1  asked. 

"Mrs.  Grayson's  been  here/'  he  answered. 

"Is  that  ail?" 

"That's  sufficient.  You'll  think  so  when  you 
hear  what  she  had  to   say." 

"I  hope  she  hasn't  discovered  we  are  quacks." 

"That's  just  what  she  has.  Say,  she's  just  wild. 
She's  so  hopping  mad  she  can  hardly  talk.  1  never 
saw  anyone  so  worked  up  over  anything  in  all  my 
life." 

"Murder  will  -out." 

"It  will  and  has.  As  for  you  and  me  we'd  bet- 
ter pick  up  our  duds  and  clear  out." 

"Nothing  stiiTing  when  it  comes  to  thei  running 
away  stunt.  There's  only  one  thing  for  you  and 
me  to  do  and  that 's  to  live  it  down. ' ' 

"It  can't  be  done.  It  is  all  off  with  us  this  time." 

"Don't  talk  that  way.  Wait  till  I  see  Mrs.  Gray- 
son. I'll  convince  her  that  we  are  the  most  clever 
and  honeist  men  that  ever  lived." 

Ralston  laughed. 

"I'll  give  you  creldit  of  being  able  to  tell  more  lies 
than  any  other  man  I  know.  But  Mrs.  Grayson  has 
so  much  evidence  that  we  are;  frauds  that  I  don't 
think  you  will  be  able  to  change  her  opinion  of  us. ' ' 

"How  did   she  oome  to  find   us  out?" 

"By  watching  us  closely.  It  seems  she  was  a 
bit  suspicious  of  us  from  the  beginning.  But  she 
preferred  to  say  notlhinigi  until  she  had  proof.  Do 
you  remelmber  the  lady  who  called  us  in  to  see  her 
sick  son?" 

118 


COKFTESSIONS    OF   A    QUACK  119 

"I'll  never  forget  her  as  long  as  I  live.  She  was, 
if  I  remember  her  rightly,  the  first  one  w^ho  ever 
called  us  quacks." 

"Shel  is  a  very  close  and  very  dear  friend  of 
Mrs.  Grayson.  At  onoei  sh&  told  her  that  we  were 
charlatans.  But,  as  you  know,  Mrs.  Grayson  is  a 
good  lady  and  loath  to  think  evil  of  any  one." 

' '  Wie  made  a  great  mistake  in  not  reforming  long 
a/go." 

"That's  what  I  have  been  telling  you  right  a- 
long.  But  you  were  so  sure  tihat  we  would  never 
be  found  out  that  it  was  useless  for  me  to  talk  to 
you. ' ' 

"What  are    we  to  do?" 

"Clelar  out." 

"Never.  I'll  stay  and  face  the  music.  I'm  sure 
I  can  explain  everything  in  such  a  way  that  Mrs. 
Grayson  will  believci  we  have  been  misjudged  and 
maligned. ' ' 

' '  If  you  can  it  will  prove  that  you  are  something 
more  than  a  quack." 

"It  will  show  that  the  powers  of  persuasion  that 
enabled  me  to  eonvincel  people  they  had  diseases 
nobody  evetr  heard  of  and  no  one  ever  knew  to 
exist  I  still  possess.  And  it  will  do  mone  than  this. 
It  will  silence  detractors,  jealous  professional  ri- 
vals of  thei  le|gitimate  school  who  are  green  with 
envy.  You  know  the  world  and  what  the  heart 
of  man  is  like." 

Ralston  walked  away.  He  had  fallen  into  one  of 
his  moods — periods  of  compunction  when  it  was 
prudent  and  wise  to  leave)  him  alone.  Up  and 
down  the'  corridor  of  the  "Cancer  Home"  he  walk- 
ed, a  picture  of  despair.  From  the  office  I  watch- 
ed him.  I  noticed  eyveiry  move  he  made.  I  observ- 
ed the  play  oi:^  elmotions  on  his  face  and  studied 
the  conflict  of  opposing  passions  and  the  struggle 
for  freedom  and  deliverance  from  the  bondage  of 
evil.     And  as  I    sat  there   a  silent  and    thoughtful 


120  COMPESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

witness  to  the  resurrection  of  a  soul  that  I  had 
done  my  share  to  kill,  I  was  conscious  as  never  be- 
fore, of  a  sense  of  guilt.  It  was  to  my  door  must 
be  laid  the  blame  of  all  the  evil  that  had  come  into 
Ralston 's  lifei.  I  was  instigator  of  whatever  wrong 
he  had  done.  Only  for  me  he  would  have  been  a 
noble,  uipright  man.  The  more  I  though.t  of  it  the 
stronger  the  conviction  became  that  I  had  commit- 
ted the  unpardonable  sin  the  day  I  had  persuaded 
him  to  become  a  iqfuack. 


XXXIII 

While  these  thoughts  were  flitting  through  my 
brain  the  door  bell  rang.  My  visitor  was  a  iittxt; 
wizened  old  man,  asthmatic  and  wheezy.  He  wish- 
ed me  to  go  at  once  to  see  his  wife.  It  wasn't 
far,  just  a  short  distance  down  the  street. 

I  was  glad  to  get  away  from  the  "Home".  I 
didn't  like  to  be  near  Ralston  when  in  a  depressed 
condition  of  mind,  and  I  was  anxious  to  shake  off 
my  own  fears  and  anxieties.  This  call  would  be  a 
pleasant  antidote  for  the  sudden  aspect  affairs  had 
taken.  My  patient  was  a  women  of  middle  age,  suf- 
fering with  dropsy.  Her  trouble  had  been  aggra- 
vated by  over  exertion  incident  to  hoi^e  cleaning.  I 
ordered  her  to  bed,  prescribed  infusion  of  digitalis 
and  promised  her  a  speedy  recovery.  Then  her 
husband  escorted  ma  into  the  dining  room  where  he 
had  been  counting  his  moneiy.  Twenty,  ten  and 
five!  dollar  igiold  pieces  were  scattered  carelessly 
around.  It  was  a  long  time  sinoe  I  had  seen  so 
much  money  at  once,  and  it  occurred  to  me  that 
here  was  my  chance  to  get  some  of  it.  I  feel  the 
blush  of  shame  spread  over  my  face  as  I  sit  here 
and  write  down  the  record  of  my  misdeeds.  The 
sight  of  that  igiold  fanned  thei  flame  of  avarice  that 
was  burning  up  my  soul  and  creiated  in  me  a  lust 
for  gain.  Before  I  had  time  to  reason  or  reflect  on 
the  right  or  wrong  of  what  I  was  going  to  do  I 
struck  that  poor  old  man  a  vicious  blow,  scooped 
up  the  gold  and  put  it  in  my  pocket.  This  was 
the  worst  act  I  had  ever  done,  one  that  would  have 
branded  me  a  criminal  in  any  part  of  the  world. 
H-eretofore  I  had  been  satisfied  to  charge  an  exor- 
bitant fee.  Now  I  was  not  content  unless  I  grab- 
beld  all  the  money  in  sight.  I  had  deteriorat"ed. 
The  procetes  of  degeneracy  had  gone  on  in   me   at 

121 


122  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

an  alairiniiig  rate.  It  was  no  longer  safe  for  me  to 
be  at  larjgie.  1  was  a  menace  to  society.  Nobody 
knew  it  better  than  myself.  There  was  no  hope  for 
me  now.  I  had  reached  the  acme  of  wrong  doing 
and  if  I  did  not  get  away  swilt  avenging  justice 
would  punish  me  as  I  deserved.  As  1  stood  still 
pondering  as  to  what  was  best  to  do,  there  was  a 
knock  at  the  door.  I  trembled  from  head  to  loot. 
1  must  do  something  or  I  would  be  caught  in  the 
act  of  thievery.  I  quickly  spread  the  money  over 
the  tabla.  Then  1  opened  the  door.  There  stood 
Ralston,  his  clear  blue  eyes  fixed  on  me  in  a  steady 
gaze. 

"Mrs.  Grayson  wants  to  see  you  at  once.  Sent 
me  down   to   get  you." 

He  paused  and  looked  around  the  room.  "What's 
this?"  he  exclaimed  discovering  the  old  man  lying 
on  the  floor. 

"Fainted,  that's  all.  He'll  come  through  in  a 
minute",  I  replied. 

"Let's  put  him  on  thei  sofa,"  Ralston  said. 

"Very   well." 

"He'll  be  more  comfortable  there." 

"Undoubtedly." 

We  lifted  the  old  man  ujp,  placed  him  on  the 
sofa  and  went  out. 

"How  does  Mrs.  Grayson  feel  now  in  the  mat- 
ter?" I   asked  as  we  walked  slowly  along. 

"Very  differently  than  when  I  last  saw  her.  She 
says  she  is  pretty  nearly  convinced  that  the  rumors 
that  have  reached  her  are  the  outgrowtli  {uid  result 
of  professional  jealousy  and    rivalry." 

"What  did  I  tell  you?  I  knew  it  would  be  easy 
to  peirsuade  her.  Shei's  a  good  woman  and  it  isn't 
eiasy  for  her  tO'  think  evil  of  any  one." 

"If  we  square  ourselves  with  her  and  continue 
to  quack,  we  ought  to  have  our  heads  cut  off." 

"Well  said,  Ralston.  But  don't  ycm  see-  thel 
pljght  we  are  in?" 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  123 

"A  very  uncomfortable  predicament  to  be  sure,," 

"Habits  once  acquired  and  allowed  to  take  root 
deeply  are  not  easily  shaken.  That  is  the  reason 
■vvhy  all  the  good  resolutions  we  made  in  the  past 
came  to  nothing.  It  also  explains  satisfactorily  our 
persistence  in  wrong  doin;g.  There  is  a  lesson  for 
others  in  our  career  that  I  hope  they  will  learn  and 
I  trust  have  the  good  sense  to  follow," 

We  wtere  within  a  stone's  throw  of  the  "Home", 
On  the  veranda  Mrs.  Grayson  awaited  us  walking 
nervously  up  and  down, 

"Doctor,  I  want  to  have  a  talk  with  you",  she 
said  in  a  low,  sweet  voice. 

There  was  nothing  in  her  manner  that  indicated 
she  'had  other  than  the  kindest  feelings  for  me:  I 
walked  upon  the  veranda  and  sat  down  beside  her. 

"I  understand  that  you  are  of  the  opinion  that 
I  have  lost  faith  in  you, ' '  she  said. 

"I  have  no  such   notion,"   I   replied, 

"I'm  glad  to  hear  it.  I  was  foolish  enough  to 
put  credence  in  certain  rumors  afloat  about  you, 
which  I  am  happy  to  say  I  discovered  are  false." 

I   breathed  easy.     All  my  fear   fled. 

"Doctors  are  not  as  charitable  as  they  mi;ght  be, 
and  many  of  them  are  jealous." 

"So  I  have  been  told.  And  I've  heard  it  said 
that  they  will  stoop  to  underhanded  methods  to 
injure  a  rival.  I  can  understand  how  many  of  them 
feel  sore  because  I  favored  you  and  Ralston.  I  did 
so  because  I  believed  you  didn't  have  a  fair  chance 
to  get  on  and  make  good,  and  I  rejoice  when  I 
think  ibbth  of  you  proved  worthy  of  the  high  expec- 
tations I  had  of  you.  Reflect  a  moment  on  what 
you  have  done.  Think  how  well  you  have  managed 
the  "Home".  Therei  were  those,  many  of  them 
who  predicted  it  would  be  a  failure.  Thank  good- 
ness, it  has  been  a  great  success." 

"None  of  us  can  escape  being  talked  about." 


324  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

"Quite  so.  That  is  somethiiijgi  we  must  expoct 
whether  we  deserve  it  or  not. ' ' 

"What  have  the  gossips  said  about  us  " 

"1  wouldn't  like  to  hurt  your  feelings." 

"My  sensibilities  won't  be  wounded  in  the  least." 

' '  'iiJiey  say  you  arei  a  pair  of  quacks. ' ' 

1  laughed. 

"People  often  say  things   they   don't  mean." 

"But  those  who  heard  it  say  it  were  very  much 
in  earnest." 

"Nevertheless  misinformed." 

"To  be  sure." 

"And  easily  deceived.' 

"Yes.    There's  no  qiuestion  but  what  they  were." 

"Do  you  suppose  we  would  have  aohieved  any 
success  if  we  had  been  iqiuacks?" 

"It  hardly  seems  probable." 

"Think  of  the  wonderful  cures  we  have  effected 
here  in  this  "Cancer  Home"?  Wlhat  further  proof 
need  you  of  our  knowledge  and  skill  Why  give 
credence  to  a  rumor  that  jealous  rivals  have 
spread?" 

Mrs.  Grayson  was  beaming  and  smiling  on  me. 
My  logic  had  dispersed  any  doubts  she  may  have 
had. 

As  a  legitimate  practitioner  I  had  early  perceiv- 
ed the  power  flattery  has.  None  are  too  wise  or 
old  not  to  be  susceiptible  to  it.  But  it  was  not  un- 
til I  had  become  a  full  fledged  quack  that  I  saw 
its  untold  possibilities. 

"Mrs.  Grayson,  I  don't  think  that  Ralston  and 
myself  deserve  the  credit.  It  is  you  who  should 
have  all  the  praise.  Your  benevolence  made  possi- 
ble the  "Home".  Only  for  your  goodness  of  heart 
I  would  still  be  a  poor  and  obscure  practitioner." 

"You've'  more  tlian  repaid  me  for  what  I  have 
done.  You've  mad©  the)  "Cancer  Home"  a  big  suc- 
cess." 


XXXIV 

I  had  succeeded  in  restoring  Mrs.  Grayson's  faith 
in  us.  I  did  no-t  think  it  would  be  so  easy.  I  had 
counted  on  her  demandinjg;  proof  of  the  claim  we 
had  made  olf  observing  medical  ethics.  But,  instead 
of  seeking  evidence  to  prove  the  truth  of  what 
I  said,  she  took  my  word  for  it.  In  all  my  expe^- 
rience  as  a  quack  I  had  never  met  one  so  adverse 
to  thinking  evil  of  any  one.  She  seemed  a  woman 
w'th  so  much  goodness  of  heart  and  no'bility  of 
soul  that  she  could  not  come  to  the  way  of  belieiv- 
ing  that  two  thirds  of  mankind  were  dishonest  and 
insincere.  And  yet  she'  possessed  unusual  intelli- 
gence and  had  an  accurate  knowledge  of  men. 

When  I  tried  to  analyze  her  character  and  ex- 
plain the  traits  that  endeared  her  to  all  who  knew 
her,  I  must  express  the  opinion  that  her  kind  are 
all  too  rare,  and  if  men  and  women  accepted  her  as 
a  model,  we  would  have  a  beautiful  world  in  which 
to  pass  the  days  that  are  allotted  to  us.  When  I 
reflect  that  I  madei  her  a  duspe  and  a  tool  for  the 
furtherance  of  my  own  selfish  aims,  I  feel  as  though 
I  committed  a  crime  for  which  there  is  no  forgive- 
ness. But,  like  all  other  wrong  doers,  I  will  try  to 
justify  it  on  the  plea  tha,t  I  was  not  given  a  chance. 
I  will  contend  with  a  measure  of  plausibility  that 
an  opportuitty  was  denied  me  and  that  I  only  took 
advantage  of  the  credulity  of  an  unsuspecting  wo- 
man. I  know  there  are  many  who  will  say  my  view 
point  is  the  correct  one.  They  will  arigfiie  with 
sound  logic  that  the  economic  system  under  which 
we  live  is  wrong  and  they  will  present  facts  and 
data  to  show  why  crooks  and  charlatans  abound. 
With  all  due  respect  to  their  sincerity  and  well 
meaning  efforts  to  reconcile  the  contradiction 
between  men's  lives  and  professed  beliefs,  I  am 
confitrained  to  say  the  fault  lies  in  f  nil  en  man 
himself.     To   his  door,  not  to  that   of  the<  existing 

125 


]26  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

industrial  order  otr  to  any  improved  form  of  society 
that  social  evolution  may  unfold,  must  be  traced 
the  sin  and  evil  that  embitters  life  and  makes  the 
world  a  vale  of  tears. 

On  many  occasions  Ralston  and  I  have  gone!  over 
this  ground.  We  have  examined  it  from  every 
conceivable  angle.  In  doinjg)  so  we  have  cast  aside 
all  prejudice.  And  then  wej  have  reached  the  only 
solution  for  the  corruption  of  society.  It  is  a  con- 
clusion that  will  bear  the  test  of  critical  analysis. 
You  must  reform  man  first.  The  initial  step  to  bei 
taken  in  changing  the  complex  system  under  which 
we  live  is  to  cultivate  the  heart  or  moral  side  of 
man.  His  conscience  and  will  are  faculties  deserv- 
ing the  most  attention. 

But  I  am  not  going  to  philosophize  or  moralize 
on  this  question.  It  would  only  weiary  you  in  read- 
ing it.  I  have  touched  upon  it  ligihtly  because  it 
seemed  to  me  to  have  a  bearing  on  my  career  as 
qtuack. 

When  I  began  to  write  these  "Confessions,"  I 
thought  to  confine  them  to  a  narration  of  personal 
experiences.  But,  as  I  went  on  with  the  work,  in- 
cidents were  crowded  out  and  in  their  place  came 
reflections  that  I  am  afraid  makel  dry  and  heavy 
reading.  I  have  not  related  one  third  tiie  cases  I 
treated.  I  have  just  selected  a  few  at  random  that 
came  to  my  memory.  There  has  been  no  attempt 
to  classify  them  or  arrange  them  in  the  order  of 
their  natural  sequence.  And  yet,  in  looking  over 
them,  I  find  I  have  been  fairly  accurate.  I  have 
told  the  story  of  my  lilfe  as  clearly  as  T  know  how. 

You  may  be  inclined  to  accuse  me  of  gross  exaigv- 
geration,  but  I  assure  you  T  give  you  my  word  of 
honor  as  a  successful  and  higly  respected  quack, 
that  I  have  gone  to  the  other  exfreme.  I  have 
purposely  refrained  from  telling  many  of  the  heart- 
less things  I  did,  lest  you  would  condemn  me  as  a 
mon-ster    of  cunning  and  deceit. 


XXXV 

The  fear  and  anxiety  that  had  so  shortly  tortur- 
ed us  fled.  Once  more  we  were  on  friendly  terms 
with  Mrs.  Grayson.  Our  benefactress  has  assured 
us  she  no  longer  believed  the  rumor  that  had  been 
spre^ad  about.  The  load  of  worry  that  had  wheigh- 
ed  so  heavily  and  made  the  future)  one  of  uncer- 
tainty was  removed.  All  our  old  time  bouyancy  re- 
turned. We  were  light  hearted  and  gay.  Life  had 
a  new  meaning  and  we  saw  unprecedented  success 
loom   before!  us. 

One  day  after  dinner  as  I  sat  on  the  veranda  oif 
the  "Home"  thinking  of  the  unfortunate  turn 
affairs  had  taken,  Ralston  came  up  and  sat  down 
near  me.  His  manner  was  serious  and  he  had  a 
thoughtful,  preoccupied  air. 
"How  do  you  feel?"  I  asked. 
"As  usual,"  he  replied. 

"Another  way  of  saying  that  you  are  Avell  and 
happy." 

"Well  without  doubt.  But  far  from  happy.  Say, 
old  pal,  I  want  to   get  away  from  here." 

"Away  from  here?    What's  come  over  you?" 
"Nothing.      Disgruntled,   that's    all." 
"Something's  gone  wrong.    Tell  me  all  about  it." 
"This  place  is  not  big  enough  for  us." 
"Not  bi|g  enough?     What  do  you  mean?" 
"Not    large   enough   for    our   ambition.     We've 
quite  outgrown  its  narrow  limitations." 
"I  don't  understand  you." 
"Allow   me  to  make   myself  clear." 
"Do  so,  by  all  meians," 
"We  have  been   a  success,  haven't  wo?" 
"We  ceirtainly  ha  vie.     In  spite,   too,    of   the  fact 
that  we  are  the  worst  pair  of  quacks  that  ever  liv- 
ed." 

"T  suggest  that  we    take   outside  offices    where 
127 


128  CONT^SSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

the    watchful  eyes  of  Mrs.  Grayson  won't    <be    on 
us." 

"Your  suggestion  is  a  good  one.  Why  didn't  we 
think  of  it  before?" 

"We  thought  of  nothing  beyond  "fleecing"  our 
victims. ' ' 

"It's  tim©  we  had  nobler  and  loftier  thoughts 
in  our  heads." 

"Well  said.     So  you   are  with   me!" 
"We'll    retain  supervision    over  it.      But   Mrs. 
Grayson  will    have  to  get  younger  and  less  com- 
petent men  to  reside  behind  its  walls  " 
"It's  about  time  wc  branched  out  for  ourselves." 
"That's  what  I've  thoucrht  for  a  long  time." 
"Now  and  always.    But  what's  to  become  of  the 
"Home"? 

At  considerable  length  Ralston  and  I  discussed 
the  advisability  of  this  and  that  location.  We 
agreed  it  should  be  central,  within  easy  reach  of 
the  "Cancer  Home".  We  would  show  jealous  pro- 
fessional rivalsy  who  were  trying  to  ruin  us,  what 
we  could  do.  Wouldn't  they  turn  igreen  with  envy 
when  they  saw  us  in  our  new  quarters?  We  might 
expect  more  vicious  attacks.  But  this  time  we 
were  prepared  for  them.  At  the  "Cancer  Home" 
we  had  made  use  of  our  time.  We  had  studied 
and  read  extensively.  On  the  unfortunate  patients 
who  had  been  admitted,  we  had  conducted  all  kinds 
of  elxpieriments  and  we  had  no  thought  of  the  out- 
come. We  eared  little  what  the  consequences 
were  as  long  as  we  weren't  found  out.  Thus  in  a 
little  while  we  had  become  bold  and  daring  opera- 
tors. There  was  no  surgical  case  we  wouldn't  tackle 
with  full  confidence  in  our  ability  to  see  it  through 
successfully.  We  could  hold  our  own  with  any  of 
them.  And  when  it  came  to  gietting  our  money 
we   outclassed  all  of  them. 


XXXVI 

When  we  unfolded  our  plan  to  Mrs.  Grayson  she 
was  indignant.  She  stormed  and  raved  as  though 
she  was  mad.  I  didn't  think  a  women  of  her  re- 
finement could  say  the  thing.s  she  did.  She  accuss- 
ed  us  of  ingratitude.  She  imputed  selfishness  as  the 
motive  of  our  going  away.  She  even  threatened  to 
put  the  police  on  us  and  find  out  just  what  kind  of 
doctors  we  were.  It  looked  as  though  we  stin*- 
ed  a  hornet's  nest  of  trouble  for  ourselves.  And 
it  was  quite)  beyond  our  power  to  pacify  her.  No 
explanation  we  could  offer  would  suffice.  No  excu- 
se or  apology  diminished  her  rage.  Her  indigna- 
tion instead  of  lessening  seemingly  increased  with 
the  passing  of  thej  days.  To  her  way  of  thinking 
we  had  committed  an  unpardonable  offence.  It 
looked  as  if  we  had  lost  the  best  friend  we  ever 
had. 

For  a  while  both  of  us  were  disconsolate,  each  in 
turn  accusing  the  other  of  lack  of  judgment.  "We 
did  not  fully  understand  the  mistake  we  had  made 
until  we  were  scuttled  in  our  new  home.  Here  we 
missed  the  sympathy  and  encouragement  our  bene- 
factress used  to  bestow  so  lavishly  upon  us.  We 
had  no  one  to  tell  our  troubles  to,  nobody  to  look 
to  for  advice  and  guidance. 

For  a  Avhile  it  seemed  though  we  would  never  be- 
come reconciled  to  the  mistake  we  had  made.  But 
little  by  little  we  adjusted  ourselves  to  our  new  en- 
vironemetnt.  Gradually  we  forgot  the  "Cancer 
Home"  in  which  we  had  passed  so  many  pleasant 
days.  We  even  ceased  to  think  of  Mrs.  Grayson.  She 
had  slipped  quietly  out  of  our  lives. 

Whein  I  recollect  how  shabbily  we  treated  that 
good  woman  my  remorse  and  shame  are  so  great 
that  I  cannot  find  words  to  desicribe  it.  She  had 
raised  us  up  from  poverty  and  obscurity  to  riches 

129 


130  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

and  prominence.  She  had  a  mother's  solicitude  for 
us.  And  we  repaid  her  goodness  and  benevolence 
deceiving  and  betraying  her.  When  I  reflect  up- 
on it  I  wondet  why  two  sudh  rascals  were  ever 
born.  And  if  their  coming  here  was  an  accident 
then  may  I  ask  why  a  merciful  Providence  didn't 
take  them  away  before  they  were  peirmitted  to  do 
so  much  mischief? 

As  I  ponder  on  all  the  wrong  Ihave  done  and  see 
so  little  that  is  good  to  balance  it,  I  cannot  bu,t 
conclud'e  that  my  life  has  been  a  miseraible  failure, 

Ralston  and  I  have  thousands  of  dollars  in  bank 
that  accumulated  in  a  way  that  no  man  with  a 
drop  of  manhood's  blood  in  his  veins  would  be 
proud  of.  Infinitely  more  cowardly  than  the  high- 
way man  who  steak  stealthily  upon  you  under  the 
cover  of  night  were  we  who  took  advantage  of 
people's  ignorance  and  fear.  There  is  some  excuse 
for  the  footpad.  There  was  none  for  us.  We  had 
prostituted  a  noble  calling  not  a  money  getting 
igtame,  where  lying  and  stealing  were  necessary  ac- 
complishments. 

Wte,  had  carried  on  a  traffic  in  the  pain  racked, 
disease  tortured  bodies  of  women  and  men.  If  you 
can  tell  me  of  a  lower  or  more  base  business,  do  so 
at  once,  for  I  have  exhausted  my  thinldng  capacity 
in  trying  to  imagine  it.  Before  the  Bar  of  Justice 
I  expect  some  day  to  be  tried  and  an  errorless  equity 
will  impose  upon  me  the  punishment  I  deserve. 
Wlhat  that  will  bei  I  do  not  know.  T  must  confess  it 
is  rather  unpleasant  to  think  upon. 


XXXVII 

Our  new  offices  occupied  the  four  frontrooms  of 
a  fashionable  apartment  house  one  mile  from  the 
"Cancer  Home".  The  location  was  ideal.  It  suit- 
ed us  exactly.  We  werei  both  of  the  opinion  that  it 
was  the  best  that  anywhere  could  be  found.  Here 
we  met  the  finest  people.  Men  and  women  of  in- 
fluence and  wealth  were  in  our  clientele.  We  had 
no  us€  for  the  poor  and  as  far  as  we  could  tried 
to  avoid  them  and  to  forget  that  any  of  them  lived. 
There  was  something  about  a  shabbily  dressed  or 
indigent  person  that  gave  us  the  shivers.  It  broujght 
back  to  our  minds  things  that  W'e  wished  to  forget. 
We  were  living  on  Easy  Street  and  we  didn't  want 
to  know  there  was  such  a  place  as  Poverty  Row. 

We  had  no  regular  hours.  People  wishing  to  see 
us  made  an  appointment,  failing  to  keep  which  we 
charged  them  just  as  thoug'h  they  had  a  consulta- 
tion. 

W/e.  furnished  our  offices  in  an  impressive  style 
and  made  a  great  display  of  books  and  instruments. 
We  didn't  have  to  wait  for  patients.  Our  names 
had  preceded  us,  bringdng  us  hundreds  of  the  sick 
and  ailing.  We  decided  to  be  a  bit  careful  for  we 
were  handlinigi  quite  a  different  class  from  that  we 
had  been  accustomed  to  treat  at  the  "Cancer 
Home".  Tihis  time  we  intended  to  be  on  our  guard. 
A  slip  or  two  might  be  our  undoing.  The  people 
we  were  now  called  upon  to  prescribe  for  were 
intelligent  and  familiar  with  the  methods  of  the 
best  doctors.  We  couldn't  "flim  flam"  them  as 
we  did  the  poor  wretcih>es  over  at  Mrs.  Grayson's. 
The  best  we  could  hope  tio  do  waft  to  set  a  high 
price  on  our  services  and  see  that  we  got  paid. 

I  have  the  most  pleasant  memories  of  this  loca- 
tion. Here  I  met  only  refined,  ^educated  people. 
The  days  passed  'quickly  bringing  me  an  abundan- 

181 


132  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

ee  of  the  ever  needful  and  I  had  no  fear  of  any- 
thing. Ralston  was  also  well  pleased.  He  no  long- 
er had  the  "moods"  which  while  they  lasted  made 
him  a  disagreable  companion.  Our  present  methods 
met  with  his  approval  and  his  mental  condition 
was  the  best.  ,,.,.^ 

It  amuses  me' greatly  and  affords  me  material  for 
reflection  wihen  I  ponder  on  the  absurd  and  ridi- 
culous praise  that  was  heaped  on  us  by  people  one 
would  suppose  should  be  good  judges  of  character. 
It  seems  to  me  from  a  worldy  standpoint  the  best 
thinig  to  have  is  reputation.  Once  let  it  be  said 
that  a  man  is  clever  and  notice  the  "hub  bu(b"  that 
is  made  over  some  insignificant  achievement  that 
in  lesser  celebritiesi  would  excite  no  comment.  I 
have  to  smile  when  I  recall  the  extravagant  praise 
that  was  heajped  on  us.  More  than  once  I  found 
it  difficult  to  refrain  from  laughing  upon  hearing 
people  utter  encomiums  about  us.  Verily  the  world 
rests  on  a  foundation  of  fraud  and  loves  to  be  de- 
ceived by  appearances.  Early  in  our  career  we 
learned  that  fully  ninety  petr  cent  of  mankind  did 
little  or  no  thinMng.  This  knowledge  was  invalua- 
ble to  us  in  applying  our  methods  of  wholesale  rob- 
bery. It  enabled  us  to  make  a  lie  seem  true  and 
caused  men  and  women  to  mistake  bragging  and 
exaggeration  for  a  modest  declaration  of  ability. 

No  amount  of  book  learning^,  travel  or  observa- 
tion could  give  me  the  accurate  and  thorough  know- 
ledge of  human  nature  I  acquired  as  a  quack.  Al- 
low me  five  minutes  conversation  with  a  man  or 
a  woman  and  I  know  all  a'bout  them.  That  may 
seem  a  little)  far  fetched  and  overdrawn.  Yet  I 
can  prove  to  the  most  skeptical  that  it  is  true.  For 
instance,  one  day,  as  I  sat  alone  in  the  office  ru- 
minating on  my  mottled  career,  a  gentlemen  neatly 
attired  and  with  refined,  polished  manners,  came 
in.     He  excused  himself  for  obtruding.     I  assured 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  133 

him  his  visit  was  not  intrusive  and  asked  if  there 
was  some   favor  he   wanted. 

"Are  you  a  mind  reader?"  he  asked. 

"I  make  no  pretensions  in  that  line,  yet  I  can 
prove  it  to  you." 

I  studied  him  closely  a  minute.  He  had  a  good 
face,  frank  and  open  with  traces  of  refinement  and 
gentle  breedinig. 

"You  are  in  trouble,  not  the  domestic  variety, 
but  the  money  kind." 

He  looked  at  me  with  open  mouthed  wonder. 

"You  have  met  with  reverses.  You  have  lost 
all  you  possessed   in  speculation." 

He  was  dumbfounded.  His  lips  moved  but  no 
words  escaped  them. 

"Why  didn't  you  come  to  me  and  ask  me  what 
was  best  to  do?  Don't  you  know  it  is  rash  and 
foolish  to  rely  on  one's  own  judgement  solely?" 

His   eyes  were  staring   wildly. 

"  If  I  knew  you  were  goinigi  to  take  that  step  that 
has  brought  you  financial  ruin  I  could  have  saved 
you." 

"Doctor,  I  have  heard  many  people  speak  of 
you.  They  told  me  the  wonderful  cures  you  effect- 
ed. But  I  never  thought  you  could  do  a  thinjg  like 
that.  I  oannot  pay  you,  but  I  can  do  something 
for  you  that  will  mean  more  to  you  than  the  few 
dollars  I  owe  you.  I  can  tell  what  a  wonderful  man 

He  grabbed  his  hat  and  rushed  out. 
you  are." 

The  day  before,  while  walking  along  the  street, 
Ralston  had  pointed  out  this  man  to  me  and  told 
me  the  story   of  his  recent  losses. 

Whelti  my  colleague  stepped  in  I  promptly  in- 
formed him  of  our  latest  and  most  desirable  patient. 
He  laughed  heartly  and  seemed  to  think  it  a  igiood 
joke. 

"You're  a  natural  bom  quack.  I've  said  that 
right  along." 


134  CONFESSIONS  OP  A  QUACK 

"But  don't  you  see  the  possibilities  that  lie  hid- 
den in  this  case?"  I  asked. 

"A  chance  to  lie,  that's  all." 

"Isn't  that  enough?" 

"Quite   sufficient  for  you  and  me." 

"We  now  have  a  new  graft.  Mind  reading  is 
our  latest  acquisition." 

"There's  a  mint  in  it  for  us  if  we  go  about  it 
ri-ghtly." 

Before  us  was  a  new  and  unexplored  field.  Here 
was  a  venture  fascinating  and  sure  to  give  brilliant 
results.    Strange  we  had  not  thought  of  it  before. 


XXXVIII 

Kalston  aiid  1  now  plunged  with  enthusiasm  into 
the  study  of  occultism.  Our  first  step  was  to  pur- 
chase a  library  of  the  latest  books  dealing  with 
mind  reading.  This  done  we  set  to  work  to  famili- 
arize ourselves  with  their  contents.  Por  once  we 
would  be  serious,  earnest  students.  We  looked 
over  the  new  works  that  had,  as  we  supposed, 
direct  or  indirect  bearingi  on  our  specialty,  and 
s^-lecteld  Tukes  "Influence  of  Mind  on  Body"  as  an 
eye  opener.  This  we  read  most  carefully.  From  it 
we  learned  some  of  the  laws  of  the  mind  that  gov- 
ern the  body,  which  would  enable  us  to  find  our 
way  ot  of  the  labyrinth  of  mystery  into  which  our 
investigation  had  leld  us. 

As  we  received  patients  only  by  appointment  we 
had  abundant  leisure.  And  we  possessed  ample 
time  to  absorb  the  knowledge  we  intended  to  use 
fraudulently.  After  two  weeks  of  careful  digging 
we  concluded  we  had  learned  the  salient  facts  and 
that  we  were  quite  competent  to  add  a  new  line  of 
lying  to  our  lonig  list  of  cheating.  So  above  our  door 
appeared  the    word  "mientalist". 

The  sign  attracted  considerable  attention  and 
created  no  end  of  comment.  No  one  seemed  able 
to  say  just  what  it  did  mean.  Naturally  it  brought 
us  many  new  patients.  The  inquisitive  wi-ihed  to 
find  out.     The  mentally  sick  hoped  to  be   cured. 

I  wish  I  had  the)  time  and  space  to  tell  in  fuU 
the  story  of  our  wonderful  experience.  But  I  will 
have  to  bo  satisfied  and  rest  content  with  giving  a 
few  generalities,  allowing  the  imagination  of  the 
reader  to  supply  the  details. 

I  had  no  idea  there  were  so  many  mentally  sick 
people  in  the  world.  I  hadn't  a  vague  and  remote 
notion  that  men  and  women  in  every  walk  of  life 

135 


136  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

were  so  utterly  miserable.  If  I  could  give  you 
the  history  of  the  eases  that  we  treated  you  would 
scarcely  believa  what  you  read.  You  would  rightly 
concede  that  our  so-called  civilization  is  a  oolossal 
failure  and  that  its  glories  and  greatness  are  built 
upon  a  foundation  of  ruined  lives.  Better  by  far 
the  condition  of  primitive  man,  where  derelicts  were 
unknown  and  delinquents  had  no  place. 

One  day,  just  after  Ralston  and  I  had  a  heated 
angximent  on  this  very  question,  a  middle  aged  man 
stepped  into  the  office.  He<  was  well  dressed  and 
looked  prosperous  and,  one  would  wonder  what  on 
earth  had  brought  him  to  us. 

"Gentlemen,  you  were  highly  recomended  toi  me 
by  a  man  w<ho  swears  you  are  the  most  wonderful 
mind  reader  he  ever  met." 

A  friend  of  the  man  who  had  lost  all  in  specula- 
tion. Not  improbable  another  victim.  Ralston  and 
I  decided  to  take  a  chance.  As  I  had  a  positive 
way  of  saying  things  I  concluded  that  it  was  best 
that  I  should  act  as  spokesman. 

"You,  like  your  friend  who  sent  you  here,  made 
a  grave  mistake.  AH  speculation  is  risky.  Here 
you  go  and  invest  heavily  and  lose  the  greater  por- 
tion of  your  fortune.  But  you  had  considerable 
foresi(g)ht  in  allowing  some  of  your  money  to  re- 
main in  bank  where  a  year  previous  you  had  de- 
posited it." 

"Wondelrful!     How  do  you  do  it?" 

"It  is  largely  a  matter  of  concentration.  Like 
all  difficult  things,,  once  learned  it  is  quite  easy.  * ' 

Hei  opened  his  purse  and  placed  a  twenty  dollar 
bill  on  the  desk. 

' '  Take  my  advi^ie  and  leave  your  money  where  it 
is  safe." 

"Thank  you,"  he    said  and    went  out. 

"What  do  they  want  to  come  herei  for,  anyway?" 
I  asked. 


CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK  137 

"Because  they  are  fools  and  we,  are  quacks,"  re- 
plied Ralston. 

"So  that  is   your  exlplanation,  is  it?"  I  said. 

"Yes." 

"Here  is  mine.  These  unfortunates  are  the  easy 
victims  of  clever  rascals  who  "fleece"  them  un- 
mercifully. When  they  are  trimmed  to  a  finish 
they  feel  sore  and  seek  the  advice  of  some  one  sup- 
posed to  be  able  to  give  them  relief," 

"And  we  put  the  finishing  touches  to  the  job  by 
taking  from  them  the  few  dollars  they  have  left, 
as  we  have  in  this  particular  case." 

I  laughed.  I  saw  the  comeldy  of  the  thing,  where 
in  truth  it  was  most  pathetic.  There  is  no  humor 
in  robbing  men  and  women  of  the  earnings  of  their 
lifetime. 


XXXIX 

In  the  specialty  of  "  mentalist "  we  I'ouiid  mucu 
to  stimulate  thought  and  create  a  desire  for  study. 
We  discovered  that  after  all  is  said,  life  of  the  hu- 
man on  this  planet  is  largely  mental.  I  know  there 
will  be  many  who  will  take  exception  to  this  and 
who  will  say  that  man  is  just  an  animal.  But  those 
who  accept  this  view  have  surely  not  studied,  him 
from  close  range  in  times  of  trouble  and  sorrow, 
or  when  the  meaital  side  of  him  is  most  imperative 
and  dominant. 

Delving  into  psychology  may  bring  no  practi- 
cal results,  but  it  certainly  strengihtens  our  belief 
in  a  continuance  of  life  after  the  curtain  is  runtg 
down  on  the  short  and  miserable  drama  in  which 
some  of  us  play  important  parts.  I  can  speak  au- 
thoritatively on  this  subject,  for  I  was  a  quack; 
and  what  a  charlatan  doesn't  know  isn't  worth 
while  to  learn.  My  experience,  I  include  that  of 
my  colleague,  as  well,  bared  the  heart  and  soul 
of  man  to  mie  far  beyond  my  hopes  and  expecta- 
tions. I  soon  knew  all  the  secrets  that  men  and 
women  keep  from   their  closest  friends. 

I  also  understood  the  influence  far  reaching 
and  often  deplorable  in  consequence  that  pas- 
sions exert.  And  my  opinion  was  'asked  on  deli- 
cate questions,  and  my  advice  sought  in  matters  of 
supreme  moment  to  the  individual.  When  I  think 
of  the  trust  reposed  in  me  and  recall  how  basely 
and  falsefty  I  kept  that  faith  I  feel  as  though  I  am 
some  sort  of  a  monster  moulded  out  of  proportion 
and  beyond  all  human  semblance. 

What  would  the  poor  dupes  say  whom  I  fooled 
and  robbed,  if  they  knew  me  as  I  know  myself?  I 
don't  think  I  would  have  been  given  a  chance  to 
write  "Confessions  of  a  Quack".     Long  ago  they 

138 


CONFESSIONS   OF  A  QUACK  ISO 

would  have  dealt  me  as  I  deserved.  But  may  be  I 
was  sipared  and  allowed  to  compile'  this  strange 
biography  so  fvill  of  inaccuraciejs  and  inconsifiten- 
cies  to  teach  the  lesson  that  it  pays  to  ifollow  the 
straight  and  narrow  path,  and  that  virtue  is  its 
own  reward.  These  are  days  when  men  and  wo- 
men scoff  at  these  truths  and  call  them  old  fashion- 
ed and  out  of  date.  But  they  are  just  as  binding, 
none  the  less  obligatory,  than  they  were  of  old. 
Truth  never  changes.  It  is  the  same  today,  tomor- 
row and  always. 

If  those  who  read  this  book  are  impressed  at  all, 
it  will  not  be  of  its  intrinsic  merit,  for  its  title  to 
that  is  small  indeed.  Btit  it  will  be  for  the  candor 
of  the  author,  who  has  told  frankly  what  he  has 
done,  and  has  sought  no  justification  of  it.  I  have 
been  a  quack  most  of  my  days.  That  is  not  to  my 
credit.  It  is  something  of  which  I  am  deeply 
ashamed.  But  I've  not  stood  alone.  I've  had  Ral- 
ston and  thousands  of  otherst  to  keep  me  company. 
I  could  never  have  acted  without  a  partner  the  part. 
No  crook  does.  All  feel  the  need  of  others  to  lean 
on  for  supiport.  No  man  is  so  strong  willeU  that 
he  can  do  without  another's  guidance.  Bfesides 
there  were  times  when  I  was  puzzled  and  perplexed 
— when  I  felt  the  need  of  someone  close  to  me — 
someone  I  reverenced  and  trusted  to  advise  me. 
Many  knotty  problems  I  have  solved,  questions  of 
ca.3uistry  and  the  ethical  side  of  the  various  re- 
lations of  life.  I  have  done  some  good.  All  the 
wicked  do.  No  man  is  so  bad  and  depraved  that 
a  few  rays  of  goodness  are  not  found  in  his  dark- 
ened career.  Wheighed  in  the  scales  of  the  blind- 
folded goddess,  the  evil  I  have  done  greatly  outbal- 
ances the  good. 


XL 

One  day,  as  we  sai  in  tb^  office  discussing  the 
strange  eases  that  came  our  way,  our  minds  drifted 
to  Mrs.  Grayson's  and  the  "Cancer  Home".  We 
wondered  how  she  was  getting  along,  who  was 
managing  the  place  where  we  passed  our  happiest 
days  and  made  so  much  money.  Were  our  succes- 
sors men   of  honor  or  un/principled  quacks? 

Wei  found  ourselvies  wishing  intensely  to  know  all 
about  the  hospital  we  had  dishonored. 

The  longer  we  talked  about  it  the  stronger  be- 
came our  desire  to  find  out.  So  we  decided  to  pay 
our  old  home  an  informal  visit.  Neither  of  us 
were  timid  men;  we  had  an  abundance  of  nerve. 
We  wouldn't  be  quacks  if  we  didn't.  We  knew  Mrs. 
Grayson  well.  We  believed  she  would  forgive  us 
and  receive  us  with  open  airms.  Such  natures  as 
hers  didn't  hold  grudges  long,  and  as  we  were  ex- 
perienced liars  we  could  invent  a  story  that  would 
explain  satisfactorily  just  why  we  had  gone. 

But  supposing  she  insisted  that  we  stay  and  re- 
sumel  our  old  duties?  That  thought  changed  the 
aspect  of  every  thing.  It  gavie  a  different  coloring 
to  our  proposed  visit.  We  could  never  do  that.  We 
had  no  intiention  of  settlfng  down  to  the  monotony 
of  hoslpital  life.  We  were  done  with  that  forever. 
We  had  progressed  way  beyond  the  necessity  of  it. 
We  were  mentalists  now  and  knew  all  about  the 
mystery  of  the  human  mind.  The  best  we  could  do 
for  Mrs.  Grayson  was  to  act  as  visiting  consultants, 
leaving  the  management  to  wiser,  and  to  be  can- 
did, more  honest  heads. 

We  debated  for  a  considerable  time  what  was 
best  to  do.  We  were  both  anxious  to  see  our  old 
home  and  to  discover  if  any  chanlges  were  made 
during  our   absence. 

140 


CONFESSIONS   OF  A  QUACK  141 

Suddenly  the  door  opened  and,  to  our  great  joy 
and   intense  surprise,  Mrs.    Grayson  came  in. 

"Thought  I  would  drop  in  and  see  how  you  were 
getting    on",  she  said. 

She  looked  remarkably  well,  wa^i  stylishly  dress- 
ed, and,  to  all  outward  appearances,  had  gotten 
along  nicely  without  us. 

"We  were  just  about  to  pay  you  a  visit,"  I  said. 

"Were  you,  indeed?  I  thought  sooner  or  later 
you  would  come.  But  I  got  weary  waiting  for  you 
and  decided  to  go  to  you.,  if  you  wouldn't  come  to 
me." 

"It  is  wonderfully  good  and  kind  of  you  and  we 
deserve  nothing  from  you." 

"I  often  think  I  have  been  a  foolish  woman." 

"Foolish  to  put  faith  in  worthless  curs  like  us." 

"Neither  of  you  showed  much  apreciation  of 
what  I   did." 

"I  am  sorry  to  admit  we  didn't.  I  regret  to  say 
we  were  very  ungrateful." 

"What  excuses    can  you    make?" 

"None." 

"Then  explain  what  you  did." 

"We  did  the  thing  that  might  be  expect-ed,  had 
you  known  the  kind  of  doctors  wc  were.  Mrs.  Cray- 
son,  allow  me  to  inform  you  that  we  are  quacks." 

"Goodness,  I  can't  believe  that!" 

"Belierve  it  or  not,  it  is  true." 

' '  Neither  of  you  looked  it. ' ' 

"That  fact  explains  our  wonderful  success.  Peo- 
ple believed  we  were  souls  of  honor  when,  as  a 
matter  of  fact,  w;e  were  devoid  of  principle.  Our 
one  thought  was  how  we  might  get  the  better  of 
people,    which    we  usually  did." 

' '  Not  for  a  moment  did  I  think  that  of  you. ' ' 

"We  were  aware  of  it.  We  know  you  discredit- 
ed the  rumors  that  were  afloat  about  us.  It  was 
very  evident  that  you  had  unbounded  faith  in  us. 
The  "Cancer  Home"  vouched  for  it." 


142  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

The  moment  I  mentioned  the  * '  Home ' '  Mrs.  Gray- 
son bit  her  lip.  Her  facet  flushed,  her  eyes  blazed. 
She   was  now  a  fighting  tigress   ready   to   spring. 

'  *  It  makes  me  boil  with  indigmation  when  I  think 
of  it.  My  heart  and  soul  were  in  that  institution. 
I  trusted  both  of  you  as  I  did  no  on©  else.  I  believ- 
ed you  incapable  of  wrong  doing.  And  what  do 
I  discover?  That  you  are  quacks,  thoroughly  dis- 
honest, wholly  incompetent.  You  deceived  and 
batrayeld  me,  you  lied  to  me,  you  even  robbed  me. 
You  talked  me  into  submitting  to  an  operation 
when  it  was  unnecessary  and  told  me  I  had  a  dis- 
ease I  didn't.  You,  rascals.,  don't  you  ev-er  dare  to 
come  to  see  me.  Keep  away  from  the  "Cancer 
Home"  which  you  dishonored.  You  are  a  disgrace 
to  your  pro-fession.  Doctors!  Bah!  You're*  a  pair 
of  quacks.  You  know  you  are.  I'm  through  with 
you.     Good   day!" 

She  rose  and  givins:  us  a  look  of  scorn  swept  in- 
dignantly past  us  and  went  out. 

"I  guess  we'll  postpone  that  trip  to  the  "Cancer 
Home",    I  said. 

"Indifinitely,"   replied  Ralston. 

Both  of  us  liegan  to  think  ojf  ,sorae  means  by 
which  we  might  pacify  Mrs.  Grayson.  Something 
must  be  done  to  appease  her  wrath.  It  was  possi- 
ble that  she  might  stir  up  no  end  of  trouble  for  us. 

"We  must  recoveir  the  good  will  of  that  wo- 
man," I  said. 

"Impossible!"   exclaimed    Ralston. 


XLI 


Nothing  is  so  difficult  that  it  is  beyond  the  at- 
tainment of  quacks.  "We  could  lay  this  down  as  a 
law  and  axiomatic  truth.  Confronted  with  dif- 
ficulties that  would  have  harrassed  ordinary  men, 
Ralston  and  I  rose  above  circumstances  and  over- 
came obsta^leis  that  to  less  positive  natures  would 
have  been  insurmontable.  We  were  endowed  with 
aggressiveness  way  beyond  the  average.  "We  were 
hopeful  and  persistent  in  our  efforts.  We  never 
admitted  defeat  or  acknowledged  discouragement. 
When  I  think  of  it,  our  success  is  not  so  wonderful 
after  all.  It  is  the  natural  selqaience  and  result  of 
a  faithful  obedience  and  unerring  subservience  to 
laws  that  are  inexorably  fixed. 

We  achieved  what  we  did  in  a  dishonest  way 
by  the  hardest  kind  of  labor.  If  you  think  it  was 
all  smooth  and  easy  sailing  for  us,  you  are  miis- 
taken.  Our  ship  was  often  in  troublBd  waters.  W;^ 
knew  what  it  meant  to  be  denounced  and  exposed. 
We  took  despeirate  chances,  but  somehow  good  luck 
was  always  on  our  side.  We  managed  to  escape 
the  traps  that  jealous  rivals  laid  for  us.  We  were 
careful  to  keep  within  the  law  and  this  explains 
our  success  and  the  ease  and  adroitness  with  which 
we  accomplished    things. 

But  that  doesn't  paliate  or  ebccuse  what  .we  did. 
Neither  does  it  expiate  our  rascality  or  efface  the 
blot  that  besmears  our  name.  There  is  a  lasting 
stigma  on  us.  Try  as  we  may  in  years  to  come,  we 
cannot  undo  the  eril  we  have  done.  We  were  un- 
true to  ourselves,  false  to  our  patients,  traitors  to 
our  friends.  And  to  Mrs.  Grayson,  one  of  the  no- 
blest womefi  that  ever  lived,  we  were  inerratos. 
There  is  something  about  ineratitude  from  w^i'^h 
we    all   recoil.     And  when  T  think    of  how   basely 

143 


144  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  QUACK 

we  treated  our  benefactress,  I  wonder  at  her  pa- 
tience and  forbearance.  Her  generosity  was  equal- 
led by  her  tolerance,  and  her  charity  was  as  great 
as  her  compassion. 

As  I  never  married  and  it  is  time  I  should,  I'm 
going  to  see  what  kind  of  a  chance  I  have  in  win- 
ning the  hand  of  the  woman  I  fooled  and  robbed 
and  whose  benevolence  I  despised.  I'll  have  to 
admit  the  odds  are  against  me.  I  have  to  fiigoire  on 
Ralston  as  a  possible  rival.  So  you  will  have  to 
be  patient  and  wait  a  while. 

I  think  it  is  about  time  I  brought  these  ' '  Confes- 
sions of  a  Quack"  to  an  end.  The  writing  of  them 
has  been  a  pleasant  passtime.  I  don 't  know  what  their 
reading  will  mean  to  you.  But  to  me,  as  I  wade 
through  the  pagejs  of  the  manuserit,  it  seems  as 
thouig^  I  have  held  up  to  you  in  a  weak  and  puerile 
manner  my  own  folly  and  vices.  In  a  rather  am- 
ateurish way  I  have  chronicled  a  few  of  the  inci- 
dents that  have  been  exciting  escapades  in  my  life. 
The  "Confessions"  were  written  in  haste,  in  the 
midst  of  distraction,  and  that  explains  all  their 
inaccuracies  and  inconsisteu'cies  and  accounts  for 
their  glaring  defects.  Quacks  are  very  imperfect 
and  their  imperfection  is  never  more  apparent  than 
when   they  vn'ite   a  record  of  their  misdeeds. 

THE  END 


•■ykjst^' 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  EACILITY 


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